Post-Partum Emmys

There were some new moms on the red carpet last night. Anna Chlumsky (aka "My Girl) gave birth less than 2 months ago. She chose to distract our eyes from her mom-bod with dress that looks like a tulip bulb with a tail. Anna was really damned if she did or didn't. She could have said "F it, my body just made a human" I just had a baby and worn a normal dress but be a bit lumpy and bumpy, but have the whole world talk endlessly about her lumps and bumps. Or she could have worn 14 pairs of Spanx and not be able to breath or digest food and risk infarcting her major abdominal organs for lack of blood flow. Or she could have picked this dress. I say she picked the lesser of three evils. Nonetheless, she looks happy and glowing and I bet that dress is easy to pump in...she probably has her pump stored in her train. Brilliant.

Then there's Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt who clearly gave birth about 1 month ago and I am pretty sure she gave birth to a penny because man, she is tiny. See, women can't win they are either too fat or too skinny after having a baby. Let's face it, Ellie Kemper is the cutest thing ever. She's also glowing- look at that smile. Her baby penny is fortunate to have such a sweet, funny mother.

Emmy Besties

You may not know this, but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are my best friends. Yup, everyone call us the Three Amigos. We do everything together...except Hollywood stuff. I let them have that. We decided that it would be hard for them to make their way in my shadow...they don't want to be eclipsed by the sun.

Like a true best friend, I'm going to be totally honest here. I don't love Amy's look. She's so vivacious and sexy. Her dress is something Sophia, the OLDEST Golden Girl would wear. Dress like a Blanche, Amy, not a Sophia.

Tina's dress is ok. It catches my eye only because it's green and I love green. I think if this dress were any other color, I wouldn't really give it much thought.


 

Best Emmy Ass

Lindsey Vonn, why are you at the Emmys? I don't know, but thank you for bringing your amazing ass. Look at that thing. It's perfect. I don't like her dress or her styling, but it doesn't really matter, because Lindsey is here for one thing only- to show off her butt.

I follow Lindsey on instagram and holy crap, that girl works hard. She deserves that ass, because she works hard for it.

I'll have what she's having...

Angela Bassett is ageless. Didn't she play an "older" woman in How Stella Got Her Groove Back? That movie came out in 1998 and Angela's face has not changed. She's gorgeous. I love her dress. It's simple, but so bold. And the sleeves. Yes. And her jewlery. Yes. Yes Yes Yes!!

A couple that Wigs together Stays together

These two. Oh to be a fly on the wall at the Travolta house. I picture a lot of tears and accusations and passive aggressiveness and wig throwing. John's wig never ceases to amaze me, but Kelly's wig is new. It's like she went to John's Wig Guy and said "I want to look like Maria Shriver on her wedding day." Pretty close, Wig Guy, pretty close.

Best Red Carpet Couple

Felicity Huffman and William H Macy- how cute are these two?? Answer: wicked cute. The cutest. I mean, they don't share the same Wig Guy like the Travoltas, but two are the cutests. Look at Willy grab Felicity's bum. That's love.

Ummmm...NOPE

Who thought this was a good idea? Sarah Hyland is young and cute and dressed like an old lady who is trying to look young, but still hide her varicose veins. This dress is the perfect solution for that. But Sarah doesn't have varicose veins. This dress/pantsuit is an abomination and should be burned immediately. I can't even give it any more of my energy. It's so sad.

Spray tanner: 1, Claire Danes: 0

The look on her face says it all. Claire Danes knows that she looks like a high rent Tan Mom. She is not impressed. Something tells me that Claire's spray tan girl is a Trump supporter and when she saw Claire's "I'm With Her" bumper sticker, she exacted her revenge and turned Claire into a little She-Trump. Yes, that's totally what happened. There is no other explanation for that orange glow.

Best in Show

That dress. THAT DRESS!!! Again, deep V, not a fan, but I'm so distracted by the GORGEOUS floral material and the flowy, light skirt. I want to live in that dress. I want to wear it to bed, to work, to the gym...everywhere. Kristen looks so confident and comfortable. She knows that she's in an amazing dress. Her styling is also on point- light jewelry, non-fussy hair. This dress could have gone wrong on so many women, but Kristen nailed it. I'm going to go ahead and call her my best dressed right now. Hands down, best dress of the night.

Marcia Clark squared

We may be in a fight after this. I don't care what you think. I love this dress. I must say that I don't usually love a deep V...I think its a bit too played out this past year. However, I like Sarah Paulson's deep V here and I think it's because the long sleeves balance out the exposed skin of her decolletage. I LOVE the color. LOVE it!  Look at the close up detail to that dress. Its exquisite. I want to take that dress out behind the high school bleachers and get it pregnant...that's how much I love it.

Sarah, if you didn't know, plays Marcia Clark in The People Vs OJ Simpson. Well, wouldn't you know, that Sarah BROUGHT Marcia Clark as her plus 1 to the Emmys. Meta.

 

Hold Still, Priyanka!

Priyanka Chopra is so, so pretty. I could stare at her gorgeous face all day. However, it was really hard to find a great photo of that lovely red dress, because Priyanka would not stop spinning. We get it, your dress is flowy and fun, but stand still for just a second so it can be adored in its resting state. Girlfriend must have been dizzy after the red carpet.

Her makeup was spot on and her lipstick matched her dress perfectly. Love it all. 

Best Emmy Kids

Here are some kids at the Emmys. They are part of the cast of a show "Stranger Things" on Netflix. I've never seen the show, but I hear it's really good. Anyway, I'm just a sucker for kids dressed as little adults. Love that girl's hair and bird dress. She's a fashion icon in the making.

It's Emmy Time!!

The Emmy Awards are on tonight. I just happen to be working all night long. Which means when I'm not doing chest compressions or yelling for things to occur STAT, I will be sitting in front of my laptop pouring through the entire internet to bring all the glitz and glamour and my commentary to go along with it.

Stuff That Happened This Week

1. Mel Gibson is expecting his 9th child, proving that he is both virile and daft because at the age of 60, he is still allowing younger women to impregnate themselves with his sperm. Congratulations, Rosalind Ross, you will never have to work again...and your baby-daddy is an antisemite.

2. I spent 39802 hours watching the Real Housewives of New York reunion and I know one thing for sure- Bethenny Frankel is a monster. I hope she stays on the show forever.

3. My husband said he didn't like the Dolly Parton and Pentatonix verson of Jolene (see my post about that HERE), because he could hear her plastic surgery. What in the hell does that even mean??!!! I married a wackadooo.

4. Tim Gunn spoke for all of humanity when he called Kanye West's most recent fashion collection "dumb and basic and quite possibly a hoax." Then he added the cherry on top, "I think the only thing dumber than these clothes would be the people who would buy these clothes." Mic drop.

5. Vicky B wore this pleated green skirt this week from her spring 2017 line that is glorious. It looks so light and breezy and flowy and greeny. I need it in my life, but will have to sell an ovary to afford it. Anyone know any good organ harvesters?

Kate Takes Canada Part Deux

YOU GUYS!!! Guess what's coming up next week??!!! Will and Kate head to Canada, which means I get to spend every day on tour with them as the official PopCrush Royal Canadian Tour Correspondent. I'll be your eyes and ears on the ground, regurgitating photos and stories from all of my favorite websites.

What's also exciting is that Little Prince George and Princess Charlotte will be along for the ride. I can't wait to see little George scowl and scamper and clomp his way around Canada like the little hellacious scamp that he is.

Interestingly, the papers (ok, one paper- the dailymail) is already pitting Kate against the First Lady of Canada, Sophie Gregorie-Trudeau in a style showdown. Because dressing cute must be a battle that only one woman can win. Can't they just both look awesome and stand around talking about their shoes and lipstick and lives? Must we always pit women against each other? How about we talk instead about a competition of hairlines between Will and Justin Trudeau? Or who can wear the most navy blue suits in one week? Or how about a competition to see which husband gets outshined the most by their beautiful, stylish wife?

Sorry Willy Wales, but Justin has you beat on the head of hair. But don't worry, I have a very strong feeling that you are going to bring out your best navy blue suit and wear the hell out of it at least 5-7 times.

Discarded chainmail does not a dress make

Oh my eyes! Kim Kardashian, what in the helllll are you wearing? This dress is what happens when you accidentally wash chainmail** on hot and throw it in the dryer rather than air drying it. And since I'm being critical, those boots don't even go with the dress. At least match your boots. She's all Medieval Times on the top and Operation Dessert Storm on the bottom.

Kim's style as of late seems to be heavily influenced by Kanye. Lots of nudes and spandex and areolas. All of which were seen in Kanye's NY Fashion Week showing. There's nothing that makes a girl feel pretty like a nude bodysuit. Thank you, Kanye, for delivering it to the masses!!! Meanwhile, poor Kim looks tortured in her nude bodysuit, double wedgie ensemble. It looks sooooo uncomfortable. I'd love for Kanye to don that outfit, even for a few hours. He wouldn't last 15 minutes. 

**FYI: Chainmail should be washed on the gentle cycle with cool water and then left to air dry.

I always love a Jolene

Jolene by Dolly Parton is one of my favorite songs. For some strange reason my favorite songs tend to be women's names: Angie by Rolling Stones, Anna Begins by Counting Crows, Mary had a Little Lamb by Beth Wagner. All fantastic songs, sung by amazing vocalists.


Jolene though. It doesn't really matter who is singing it. I still like it. Even a group called Pentatonix (sounds like an insecticide) could sing it and I'd be down...especially if they invited Dolly to sing it with them. Can we talk about Pentatonix for a second? I have no idea who they are. I've never heard anything they sing, but my mom has their Christmas album and talks about them like they are the Beatles and I should know who they are. Which one of us is the loser here? I think me. I don't usually like acapella groups and I think its because the low bass guy always makes me feel a little uncomfortable and the low bass guy in Pentatonix is no exception. Dolly offsets that here with her amazing wig and leather pants. My favorite Dolly quote: "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." I love her so much.

Another great cover of Jolene is by Miley Cyrus.  Dolly is her Godmother.

Ginger Birthday

Happy Birthday to my favorite Fire Crotch, Prince Harry!!!! Because he's the Royal Spare he is allowed to have a personality and a beard. He does all the work, while his lazy, boring brother tends to his loud kids and pretends to be a helicopter rescue pilot. I hope he finds a nice wife...call me, Prince Ginger...oh wait, I'm already married, but I think my husband would allow me to marry you for the right amount of money as he's easily bribed.

News Flash: Strawberry Shortcake declares war on Tom Brady

Tom Brady was out and about this week wearing his favorite Dirk Diggler wig. He recently had an interview and in it revealed to the world that he has NEVER had a cup of coffee or a strawberry. A flipping strawberry!! What kind of monster is this guy? I just can't accept that he's never had a strawberry. According to him, he never will. Because he's a grown ass man and he's married to Giselle and he'll eat whatever he wants to eat.

I can't get behind a man that won't drink coffee. My man roasts his own coffee beans in our garage (Hi, Jeff), so my coffee requirements are very high.

I'm going to send Mr. Brady an edible arrangement and a pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee stat. I'm going to make a man out of Tom Brady if it's the last thing I do.

J.Lo's new man?

Is J.Lo dating Taylor Swift's ex-boytoy Calvin Harris? I found a story that they are dating on the dailymail. The dailymail is not the best source of information, but I'm just going to go ahead and believe it. Why? Because I want the best for J.Lo. Why? I have no freaking idea. I think it's because she has really good skin and it hypnotizes me. Did you see her Carpool Kareoke with James Corden? She was just so cute. I want to be her friend, because she seems like a good time...and her skin looked flawless. Despite her bubbly personality and glowing skin, J.Lo has the WORST taste in men. I mean, Calvin isn't really the best guy. Based on my observations during his break-up with Taytay, he came off a little bitchy. BUT- he is a total upgrade from J.Lo's last homely boyfriend, Casper Smart. Calvin at least has a job, isn't 4 feet tall, and does not have a face only a mother can love. Plus he has his  own underwear ads. The above photo is from J.Lo's 47th birthday. He has her arm around her and a smug look on his face so they must be dating. The proof is all there for us to see and then make wild assumptions about.

Modeling is hard

I couldn't be a model. I mean, I have model looks and a fantastic resting bitch face, but I lack the ability to be hungry for long periods of time (ie- always) which excludes me from the job. Models always act like their job is really, really hard. And while it may not be mentally demanding, I would imagine that standing in front of people while they pick you apart and treat you like a plastic mannequin with no brain or point of view or opinion. I'd either be fired on the first day, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut for an entire fashion shoot or I'd just pass out from hunger. Modeling can be physically demanding too. Sometimes models eat shit on the runway and remind us that falling is always funny. Case in point- Gigi Hadid's sister, Bella, ate it on the runway today at New York Fashion week. How embarrassing! Love that dress, though, Michael Kors should give her a bonus, because that fall just gave his collection some free press. Somewhere in Malibu, Yolanda Foster is blaming this fall on Lyme disease.

Oh crap, I'm falling

Nothing to see here, this yoga move is just part of the show

Don't worry, I'm fine, you just sit right there rich, blonde, people and keep filming me while I get up on my own...

Dumb Face

I know three things about Scott Eastwood. 1) He's Clint Eastwood's son. 2) He was in a Taylor Swift video. 3) He makes really stupid faces all.the.time. It's like he's trying to differentiate himself from all the other handsome actors between the ages of 25-35. Great idea, Scott. I have an idea- close your goddamn mouth.

20 years and 7 albums later...

Tupac died 20 years ago?!?! TWENTY. How old does that make me feel? I remember winning a Tupac poster at the Fair in high school. Because why wouldn't you want that gorgeous face on your wall. I forget how good looking he was. Yup, I'm a superficial trollop for talking about his looks on the anniversary of his death, but someone's gotta go there. Despite dying, Tupac has released 7 platinum albums, three more than he released while alive. His estate still makes millions of dollars from his music and likeness. Remember when he preformed as a hologram?

In my eyes, Tupac's best performance was in Poetic Justice. God, I was so ALL ABOUT Poetic Justice. It dealt with all the things I was passionate about when I was 14: Race relations (this is not a lie), young love, Janet Jackson, awesome hats. Allow me to take you back to 1993 for just a few moments...you may never want to come back.

Corpse Candidate

While the executives here at PopCrush have decided to take a neutral stance (cough...I'm with Her...cough) on the upcoming presidential elections, we will occasionally dip our toes in the proverbial cesspool that is the American political system to make fun of Donald Trump's general appearance and asshattery and to ridicule all of the people who cannot deal with a woman running for President.

The first target of ridicule is the National Enquirer. First off, have you ever tried to spell Enquirer without looking at the actual word? I have...and it's impossible. I think that the founder of the magazine chose a really hard word to spell as the title of his publication so that it would be impossible to get sued because the lawyers wouldn't be able to spell the name correctly and it would get thrown out of court. Smart move.

At the grocery store today, I saw human corpse Hillary Clinton looking back at me. Turns out the poor lady has had 3 strokes, liver damage from drinking, and Alzheimer's...plus she has violent rages. Of course she does, she has to look at a photoshopped image of herself dying every time she goes to the grocery store. I'd be pissed too. Look, assholes, Hilary is a healthy 70 year old woman who has normal 70 year old problems- hypothyroidism, hypertension, wrinkles, cellulite, and gray pubes. She is running against an overweight man with orange skin who uses enough bleach in his hair to disinfect at least 5 frat houses. His doctor is a man so behind the times that he still uses Windows XP. Which definitely proves that his board certification and medical license is not up to date.

Let's stop focusing on made up health concerns of poor Hillary and focus on her most important qualities- her haircut and her outfits.

What the F is this?

I was just innocently scrolling through the internet when my poor eyes fell upon this photo. What in the name of baby Jesus is going on here? The lady in the photo who is trying to drive her car with her perineum is Hilaria Baldwin...wife of Alec Baldwin. Hilaria just had her third kid because not only is she flexible, but she's fertile. Hilaria is HUNGRY for fame. I mean...she took a picture of herself in this position for the internet to see. And I saw it and now I'm sharing it with you. Mission accompished, Hilaria.

Those dogs are so disgusted by her, they won't even make eye contact. They look like they are trying to go to a happy place in their minds, don't they?!

Taylor is a good friend

Its NY Fashion week and Gigi Hadid got to stretch her fashion designer wings by creating a collection for Ralph Lauren. Taylor is adorned in one of her pieces. It appears that Gigi got her motivation for her collection from a polygamous cult. Floor length, shapeless, held together by a rope. Check, check, and check.

Taylor is a good friend because she humored her friend and wore this sad, sad dress...in public. She's a questionable friend because she allowed her friend to wear capri trash-bag pants...in public. Sometimes I think celebrities put on the ugliest clothes just to be funny...this is all a joke on us because someone is going to look at that outfit and yell, "FASHION!!" and buy it and Gigi will be laughing all the way to the bank.

And while we are on the topic of Taylor. I can't even begin to peel back the layers of amazingness that she presented us with this summer. See, Taylor is a good friend...TO US! I mean, come on, her relationship with Tom Britishman, her fight with Kanye AND Kim, her 4th of July party. She won the summer for me. I can't wait to see what's next. I hope it is her burning that ugly dress.

Just stop

Kim Zolciak and her daughter Lil Kim should have worried less about being Tardy to the Party and more about being Tardy to the Lip Injector. Seriously girls...slow down! Kim and Kim Jr used to look like mother and daughter, now they share the same face. When and how did giant, injected lips become the standard of beauty? I'm going to go ahead and blame the Kardashians for this. I'm looking at you Kylie.

Kim and Kim Jr, if you are reading this and I know you are, please stop. You don't need those lips. Put down the needle. People love you for the sharpness of your tongue, not the plumpness of your lips.

And if you are wondering- yes I have spent more time than is acceptable googling "Kim Zolciak before plastic surgery" and "How in the hell is Kim Zolciak so rich" and also "Will my love ever be as strong as Kim and Kroy's"

results:
1. looked different
2. Unclear
3. No

Remember me??

Oh, hello there. I'm back. It's been 2 years almost to the day since my last post. It was about the Duggars...of course it was. Since I've been gone 2 Duggars have lost their virginity, one more is on the Victoria's Secret website buying cute undies for her impending virginity losing venture (Hi, Jinger), one is a creepy creepo who went to sex rehab and then disappeared from the face of the Earth. Am I really still talking about the Duggars? It appears that I am.

But for reals, I've missed Popcrush and thinking critically about Kate Middleton's clothes. Since I've hung up my fingertips and paused my blog I've had another kid. He's almost 20 months now and can take care of himself. My daughter is 4 and has a full time job, so I have some extra time in my day to ignore them entirely and focus on the Daily Mail website and Lainey gossip.

Blogging will commence officially tomorrow. I still have to finish my actual job tonight and complete my daily notes on my patients, but tomorrow, Popcrush has my undivided attention. I've missed you all!!!!

Watch This: Real Housewives of Melbourne

Are the current catfights of all the different Real Housewife Tribes across America getting a bit old to you?  Even when they bring in new ladies into the mix, it's still lacks the freshness of the first few seasons. I'm over Vicki in Orange County and am afraid of Ramona in NYC cause all they do is yell at people. Ok, well, I will never tire of Teresa and Melissa from New Jersey, but Teresa's probably going to jail, so she's not going to be around for much longer to enjoy.

If your answer to my aforementioned question was "yes" than do I have a gift for you? A gift from down under (no not my panties). It's The Real Housewives of Melbourne and they are amazing. They are a caricature of the American Real Housewives- only sparklier, more botoxed, more made-up, and with cute accents and I love them so much. The ladies still backstab and side eye each other, like true ladies do, but it's all just much more fun. They don't really have much going on, but like to have parties so that they can create drama that will make for good television. One girl's a psychic who's married to a world famous rockstar (read: drummer from Silverchair) and has created a catchphrase "shine shine shine" which doesn't make sense for about 75% of the context in which she uses it. Another girl is an uptight business woman married to a plastic surgeon (and befittingly has the worst appearing skin and plastic surgery of the bunch). They are all super-botoxed and all confess a deep love of shopping for expensive things and drinking champagne. What's not to love about these women?

My favorite character is Gina. She's a barrister and she will remind you several times that it's her job to seek the truth so she's telling the truth with her truthiness and can detect non-truths cause she's a barrister. She also thinks that psychics are demonic. And she wears a touch too much make-up. And she will cut you...with the truth.
 

Read This: Eleanor and Park

Have you read this book yet? It's certainly not a new release, it came out in 2013 and Dreamworks has already bought the rights to make it into a movie with the author, Rainbow Rowell, as the screenwriter. I'm not really into the young adult genre. I didn't looooove the Hunger Games and have never read the Divergent series. But this one is different. It takes place in 1980's Omaha and features two high school students who fall in love on the school bus. Eleanor is a chubby redhead from a very dysfunctional, low income, domestic abuse-riddled family who is the new kid at school. She sits with Park, a half-Korean loner who loves comics and punk music and is at odds with his machismo, tough-guy father, on the bus. Slowly they bond over comic books and music and eventually fall in love. It's the sweetest book. Rowell makes you feel like you are 16 again and you are falling in love again for the first time with her language and descriptions and avoidance of cliches. I devoured this book and mourned its ending. You should too!

Watch This....Southern Charm

Are ya'll as obsessed with Southern Charm on Bravo as I am? God, I LOOOOVE it- just like I love cobblestone streets, polo, gas lamps, and old money...you know, stuff you can only get in Charleston!!!

So for those unfortunate souls who have yet to tune in...let me catch you up. The show takes place in Charleston, SC. It follows around a bunch of single people, but focuses more on the men, cause let's be honest- they are more dysfunctional and therefore, more entertaining. The men range in age from their late 20's to 50. The dirtiest bird of them all is Thomas Ravenel who is the former Treasurer of South Carolina before he went to jail for selling coke. Thomas comes from and old, rich, political family. He thinks he's a southern gentlemen, but he's really just a super sketch ball. There are other guys who are also rich, don't really work much (except for Craig, who's a lawyer and seems rather put together). The main women of the show- Jenna (who plays the "against type" southern woman and has a modified mohawk) and Cameran (who was on the Real World San Diego and is a total peach) are refreshingly normal and don't back stab each other or air their dirty skanky laundry on air...they leave that to the men.

The star of the show is not even a main cast member. Her name is Kathryn and we are told over and over that she comes from two powerful South Carolina political families (which should mean something, but this isn't 1854 so...not really). Kathryn, aged 21, is slutty, immature, most-likely illiterate, and sounds like she is on qualudes when she speaks. She becomes a major player in the story line thanks to her sluttiness, her relationship with the 50 year old Thomas, and her pregnancy scare secondary to his sperm. The best part about Kathryn is that she is really immature, but thinks she is super mature and put together. She pretends that she's the "lady of the house" at Thomas's home and clearly wants to marry for money...despite an almost 30 year age gap. She's pretty much an asshole with zero insight....who also wears the most ridiculous fake eyelashes. Kathryn is everything you would ever want from a Bravo reality star.

Here's a clip. Kathryn lacks the understanding of what "chivalry" means.

Site News

It's been pretty obvious to everyone that my blogging has been pretty lame lately...and by lame, I mean, absent. Sorry. With a new house, new obsession with decorating said house and reading boring DIY blogs, and a busy toddler who doesn't just sit on the ground like a cute, cuddly purse while I ignore her for a few hours while updating my blog I just don't have as much time or energy as I once had.  Waaaaa, poor me!!!!

So, I've decided that I will make a concerted effort to do a once a week-ish bloggarrhea to re-cap the week and whatever else I want to blog about. I'm very doubtful that I will be updating the same day per week based on my inability to do anything on any sort of schedule.

Thanks for sticking around. I'll post on Facebook via the PopCrush page when I do my weekly-ish blogging to make things a bit easier.

Happy Snarking!!