Oh Burrrrnnnnn

Raise your hand if you've told Leo you're on the pill.

A photo posted by Erin Foster (@erinfoster) on Nov 28, 2016 at 5:04pm PST

Ugh, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show filmed today and all the beautiful, lithe Angel's took one plane to Paris to film the Earth's most unimportant fashion show. Honestly- does anyone buy the underwear that they model? It looks impossible to even put on- so many straps, studs, diamonds, feathers. I'm morally opposed to underwear lines, so none of their looks would work for me anyway.

It would be great to travel on that plane with all of those models- think of all the extra food there'd be. I'm always panicked on planes that there won't be any snacks left for me when the food cart comes through, because I always end up sitting in the back of the plane. Those models would be so preoccupied with taking selfies of themselves and sucking on ice cubes for sustenance, that I'd get ALL the snacks. Everyone wins!!!

Erin Foster, who is a semi-famous daughter of David Foster (ie, Yolanda's ex husband and Gigi and Bella Hadid's former step father) posted the above photo with the hilarious caption of "Raise your hand if you've told Leo you are on the pill" on Instagram. Oh Leo, you are an old man and a whore...and apparently now you are also a punchline to a joke.

Justin Bieber is not cute anymore.

Well, Bieber fans, this is what happens to your favorite pop star's face when you scream and cheer and hound and obsess too much. Poor Bieber is tired. He's stressed. You love him too much. You want too much of him. You screech too loudly during his concerts. You are stressing him out. He now looks like Napoleon Dynamite with an Uncle Rico hair cut and it's all your fault.

Justin has a horrible personality and is a monster douche bag, but he always had his looks. With enough duck tape and whiskey, I could have considered him as a celebrity cheat. But now he has no redeemable qualities and I will officially blame his fans for this. Thanks for nothing, you shrill Beliebers or whatever you call yourselves these days.

You Should Have Called Jared

A photo posted by Tyga / T-Raww (@kinggoldchains) on Nov 19, 2016 at 7:15pm PST

Tyga, also known as Kylie Jenner's charity case, has finally settled his debts with world renowned jeweler, Jason of Beverly Hills. Jason told the world in August that Tyga owed him $200,000 for all the diamond chains, pendents, bracelets, rings, teeth, shoelace aglets, and pencaps he had "purchased". This weekend, it was reported that Tyga paid the jeweler the remaining $100,000 he owed him. TMZ wants us all to know that he used his OWN money in CASH to pay his bill...Nobody gave him the cash, other than the bank teller when he withdrew it from his OWN savings account. Ok, guys? Do you understand? It wasn't anyone else's money...particularly not a person who's name sounds like Jylie Kenner. Yay, so finally Tyga has cleared his debts! It's Thanksgiving and his birthday...so he can now go to da club and relax with a clean slate. Buuutttt not so fast, while Tyga was on his way into a night club, he got served with papers for something. There are not details about his recent lawsuit, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that he owes someone money, because, our friend Tyga lives LARGE and yet I can not tell you ONE song he has rapped or any on which he has collaborated. Something tells me that the income coming in is not greater than the money going out. It's a good thing he has a sugar mama who is a-ok to put up with that shit.

Tony Bennett has LOTS to be thankful for

Tony Bennett's young wife has to wait yet another day to be a rich widow. She came close on Thanksgiving, but it just wasn't her time to cash her check her local Gold Diggers Bank branch. Old Tony was riding along on a float with Miss Piggy in the Macy's Parade, innocently singing a Christmas carol, and pretending that he wasn't having a stroke. The float hit a bump (that wasn't a large rock put there on purpose by Mrs. Bennett) and Tony's poor, stiff body almost flew right off onto the street. He would have been a goner had it not been for the heroic Miss Piggy who caught him with her strong puppet arm. You can't make this shit up...half dead Tony was saved by a puppet pig. This also marks the second time this month that I have written about Tony Bennett on this blog...celebrity gossip must be slow this month...geez!!

The Cool Girls of Hollywood

There's one clique in Hollywood of cool girls that I bet all the other girls want to be a part of. Gwynnie is the alpha of the group, of course. She is because she gives zero fucks and the girl who gives the zeroest of fucks is always the coolest. Her besties are Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Nicole Richie, Jessica Alba, Reese Witherspoon, and Kate Hudson. 

Look at how much more fun they are having than you are. This picture yells- "Look at us, we are not wearing make up and we are so cold, but we still look so pretty!!" Gwynnie would have to add "Look at me, I'm wearing the ugliest hat and coat, but I'm still gorgeous and popular and all my skin is the glowiest!!!" Ugh, they are so annoying...I want to be their best friend too.

Hot Harry in the Caribbean.

Oh boy, I hope Prince Harry bough LOTS of sunscreen with him, because the Caribbean is no place for a pale ginger. Homeboy needs some SPF!!!

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Poor Harry looks like he's wilting. A Englishman is not used to so much heat and sun. Harry is on a Royal Tour in the Caribbean for 2 weeks. While in Antigua, the president hinted that Harry should return for his honeymoon after he marries Pippa Jr. In the same breath he also told Harry he was the coolest member of the royal family and that he should have a good time that night because whatever happens in Antigua, stays in Antigua. Haaaa!! The Antiguan president is apparetly interviewing to become the Mayor of Las Vegas when his term is up. He's the best. I'm sure the cheeky monkey Harry took him up on his offer. From the looks of these pictures, Harry only has a few years left of hottness before he travels down the same hairless path as his brother, father, and uncles. It must be part of the Windsor genetics that the men get increasingly homely and bald as they get older. Get it while the getting's good, Prince Ginger.

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Kanye West is Tired

Kanye West was brought to an LA hospital for for psychiatric evaluation and was eventually admitted last night. He was at his trainer, Harley Pasternak's house acting erratically. Police were called to do a welfare check- not sure who made the call, apparently he was being evaluated by his own physician at Harley's house when someone there called the cops. The police then called the paramedics and he was brought to the hospital for further evaluation.


Of course, Kanye's people (ie, Kris Kardashian) are saying that this is all due to "sleep deprivation". Of course it is. Celebrities work hard guys and get really really tired and it makes them do funny things. We wouldn't understand, because we aren't celebrities, we are just normal humans who have little to no paid help, work 2039483 hours a week, raise our own kids, and have to wipe our own asses. We have no idea what it's like to be tired.

Kanye has been acting a bit "off" for the past few weeks. He's gone on tirades at his concerts even more unusual than his regular tirades. He canceled a concert in L.A. and then spent 4 hours posting over 90 grainy fashion photos to his instagram. The final straw was that he publicly shit on Beyonce at one of his concerts...what???!! No sane person says negative shit about Beyonce out loud. Maybe he's in the hospital for his own protection against the Beygency.

For reals though, Kanye is not in a good place. He is not "tired" I can tell you that...he's manic. I hope he gets the help he needs. He and Kim have had a rough run these past few months. There's really nothing funny about mental illness, so I will only hope for the best for him.

Coming to a local fairground near you...

You may not know this about me, but I've been to a Boyz II Men concert and even had floor seats...like 5th row or something amazing like that. Which means, I am pretty much best friends with B2M (that's what all their besties call them). It was a good show. I may have cried when they sang "I'll make love to you" directly to me.

B2M have announced that they will be touring this year with NKOTB (I bet they are regretting every referring to themselves as kids in the title of their group) and the drugged out ghost of Paula Abdul. This should be good. I can't wait to scream with all my closest mid 30 to early 40 year old friends.

**I've noticed from that pic that Bass isn't in B2M anymore. Maybe he was taking the picture. Or maybe it was Jon from NKOTB that was taking the picture. Who in the hell was taking that picture and what happened to Jon and Bass?? They can't sing Step by Step without Jon- he plays an integral part in singing about Step 5 (don't you know that the time is riiiiiggghht?). And The End of The Road without Bass's rambling diatribe is not worth listening to.

The grossest thing you'll read all day...

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Tony Bennett is 90 years old. His gold-digging third wife, Susan, is 50. They've been married since 2007 and I bet that Mrs. Bennett wakes up every day wondering if today will be the day that she becomes a very wealthy widow. I know what you are all thinking- that I have a dark, dark soul. Yes, that is true. However, a woman in her early 40's does not marry a man in his 80's because she wants to grow old with him. She wants him to grow old, die, and then she can have his money while she is still in the prime of her life.

If that didn't make your insides feel sad, then this definitely will...Susan's parents were big Tony Bennett fans back in the 60s when Tony was 40. They met him after one of his shows once and took a picture with him. At the time, Susan was just a mere fetus in her her mom's womb. Tony now jokes that he met her before she was even born...when he was 40...but it gets better... 19 years later in the mid-80's when Susan should have been listening to The Cure, Tears for Fears, or even Prince, she was instead acting as president of the Bay Area Tony Bennett Fan Club in San Francisco. She met him after one of his shows and he asked her on a date. They dated for 20 years before they finally got married in 2007. God damn, this whole story is 10 shades of wrong.

Barron Trump is not impressed

Barron Trump is a modern day Ritchie Rich. He has a gold living room in which he rides his pet lion. The kid is no joke. So in the wee hours of November 9th when he was told that he had to move to a

new, government subsidized house he was less than enthused. Gone are the days of his fancy, gilded jet. Instead of vacationing in Palm Beach or one of his father's other 3 mansions scattered about the country, he will be forced to retreat to a secluded cabin in Maryland. How quaint. Good luck with your new, simple life, Barron. I'm sure you won't be the only one to pray that it only lasts 4 years.

Michelle's Send-Off

Michelle O and her amazing biceps came out to say hello one last time as the First Lady and First Biceps of the USA. I will miss them both dearly. Michelle is all class and I think she'll do alright after she is no longer living in the White House. I hope she keeps motivating young women with some sort of public platform...say maybe Senator or Congresswoman. Obama/Biceps 2020!!!

I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!!!!!

I agree with you Jessie Spano, I'm not sure if I should be turned on or petrified by this photo of Zack Morris/Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Holy shit, based on the look on his face he may either hit me in the teeth with that baseball or kick that helmet through my chest or both. But putting that aside, his body is ripped and I am easily distracted by shiny things...like his pecs.

Zack-Mark-Paul will be playing a baseball player in a new show called "A man in his 40's has to juice to get muscles that large"...haha, that's true, but it's not the name of the show...it's actually called "The Pitch" which is another name for the steroid cocktail that Zack-Mark-Paul was taking to get a body like that, because we all know that a man's testosterone level drops 1% each year after the age of 30.

Everytime a bell rings a Duggar loses her virginity...

Well folks, there are a lot of Duggars and they seem to be getting married at a frenzied pace, because crazy, sexist, backwoods, religions zealots don't make themselves. Nope, you are either kidnapped or born into the Duggar's religion.

Jinger Duggar got married to that dopey looking guy in the photo to the left this past week. She is now in Australia on her honeymoon getting her down under kangaroo'd if you catch my drift. Look at her goddamn hair. That is some serious sex mat going on. She's so high on love that she didn't even bother to brush it. Why bother, her newly de-virginized husband who is at his sexual peak is just going to mess it up again.

Because the Duggars think we care (we do), Jinger and Dopey sent us a video telling us how much fun (read: sex) they are having and to thank fans for their well wishes.

Let's talk a second about the Duggars shall we? First off, Jinger has the worst name. She is the 4th Duggar daughter and I know this without even having to look it up and that makes me feel a lot of self hatred and loathing. What's important about being the 4th daughter is that there were still a TON of J names left from which to choose. Her older sisters are Jana, Jill, and Jessa...again, I didn't have to look that up...sad face. But instead they chose Jinger. Even Ginger is bad (sorry to any Gingers reading this, you are probably lovely on the inside and out), but with a J, that is just unforgivable.

Second, is that for people who don't really work, they sure are going on an expensive honeymoon. Jeremy (Dopey's real name) used to play professional soccer, but was released in 2014. He has been a pastor since. Jinger's main job is organizing the clothes for the rest of her family when they go on vacation, a job she inherited from Jessa when she got married. It pays exactly zero dollars per hour. So maybe JimBob is financing this. Or maybe they are using the monetary gifts from the 1000 people they invited to their wedding to help fund their trip. Poor Jill only got to go to North Carolina for her honeymoon, while Jessa went to Paris. I suspect that they are trying to pay Jinger back for giving her such a shitty name.

PopCrush is Back

Hi Everyone. I took a little break while I was wrapped up like a tater tot in bacon with the final stretch of the campaign. Now that that shitstorm is over and the fact that we will be ruled by an impetuous Cheeto for the next four years has sunk in a bit, I'm seeking refuge in making fun of celebrities again.

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I have nothing to actually make fun of here. Harry is happily dating Pippa-lite and told the British press to slow their roll and leave her alone or he wasn't going to play nice with them. I love it when Harry dresses in his military costumes, he looks so cute...especially with all those ginger whiskers. HOT. He was at a military ceremony with old Prince Phillip, who in his heydey was a fox.

Oh, hello, Handsome

I talked about watching The Crown a few weeks ago. It was released on Netflix last week and it's sooooo good. If you are an anglophile who loves Royal Family gossip and history, it scratches that itch for sure. It starts in the late 1940's on the eve of Princess Elizabeth Windsor's wedding to Phillip Mountbatten. It focuses on their early marriage and Elizabeth's accession to the throne. The acting is great, but the scenery and the detail of the fashion and palaces and jewels is exquisite. I'm only a few episodes in and can't wait to watch more. I'm savoring it slowly.

Stuff That Happened This Week...

While you were staring at a mostly red electoral college map, other things were happening. Let me catch you up...

1. Nick and Vanessa Lachey share a birthday. November 9th. That seems like a bad omen. I don't want to share my special day with anyone, much less my husband. I already share my wedding anniversary with him, that's about as charitable as I can get. Oh, and that photo of the Lacheys...you will never unsee it. You're welcome. Nick looks terrified.










2. Brad Pitt showed up at the Allied premiere, despite not doing any other press. He also stepped out earlier in the week for a private screening of a movie that his production company, Plan B, produced. He brought Julia Roberts as a security blanket that night. He braved it alone to the Allied premiere, but maybe he's wearing Julia's t-shirt under his tux so her smell will soothe him. She has that affect on A-list actors. Is it too soon to say that being accused by your soon to be ex-wife of being a drunkard who possibly endangers his children's lives has not affected his looks. Yes folks, I'm rotting slowly from the inside out.

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3. Audrina Patridge got married to her BMX riding fiance and the world said, "Who?"

4. Taylor Swift and Drake are rumored to be dating. I don't think they are. I would totally endorse it, but I think she'd be better of just having an incognito sexual relationship with him. T. Swift doesn't do incognito, so that will never happen. There has been much innuendo between to two, but I suspect that he's playing some role in a song on her next album. Tay and Dray are both Apple darlings. They know where the money is and they know how to play the game. Rumors are free publicity and word on the street is Tay Tay will be dropping an album soon.

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SnapChat 4 Eva

Demi Moore wants to stay young forever. So she's done what any reasonable adult woman would do. She dressed in overalls with a bright yellow turtleneck mixed with a jean jacket and flower crown. She looks like a Snapchat filter on top and a Sesame Street extra on bottom.

Demi, just because you go to Michael's craft store and buy fake silk to fashion into a crown, does not mean that you will have the lovely glow of the Flower Crown snap chat filter. It doesn't work that way. And just because you dress like a pre-schooler, does not mean that people will perceive you as a younger age. They WILL perceive you as mentally ill.

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Harry has a new girlfriend and it's not you...

...sadface. Sorry ladies, Hot Harry is spoken for and she's American, which means...it could have been you. You totally had a chance, because it seems as though Harry has a thing for us Yanks.
Here she is at Wimbledon...

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and here she is at some other outing where her picture was taken...

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She's cute, right? And sorta looks like Pippa. Which means, Harry has the hots for Pippa, but since it's weird to date your sister-in-law's sister, he just found a girl who looked like her and presto...everyone wins!! The new girlfriend's name is Meghan Markle, but Harry just calls her Pipps, because that's a cute little term of endearment that the Brits use ALL the time and has nothing to do with his crush on a certain Middleton sister. Anyhoo, Pippa Jr is an actress in a show you've never seen called Suits. She lives in Toronto and the two lovebirds have been secretly visiting each other for months. She was at Wimbledon in July which means they were totally doing sexay times back then, obvi. She apparently spent his birthday weekend with him in Balmoral in September. Her half sister is already giving interviews saying that she is "narcissistic and selfish"...of course she is, she's an actress. I can't wait to see how she fits into the royal family!!!

Gisele Bundchen is a monster

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Gisele Bundchen doesn't just wake up looking like a million bucks. No, it takes years and years of deprivation, lots of exercise, fillers, botox, and a secret Parisian plastic surgeon in addition to being Brazilian and having good genes. Gisele and Tom do not put sugary, flour, dairy, caffeine, alcohol into their bodies. Which basically means there is little joy in their lives. Tom doesn't even eat strawberries. I can't forgive him for that.

Gisele allowed her little precious angel children to go trick or treating this year, because they are red blooded Americans and it's a rule that they shall go house to house and beg for candy once a year. Gisele made sure that the world knew that they were not just any normal family- no, her kids were allowed to eat one piece of candy, but were forced to give the rest away, because kids who eat sugar are demons. Don't worry though, her kids were totes fine with it, because they don't really enjoy sugar anyway, because they are never eat it in their diets. And she's a perfect, non-judgemental mother who would never be grossed out by another mom at the playground plying her kids with fruit snacks so they stop whining. Never.

Gisele, I think you are a monster and we could never be friends.

Beyonce Wins at Country

Earlier in the week, Beyonce dressed up as a Black Barbie. Last night she dressed up like a country music star...and it looked gooooood on her. It was announced yesterday afternoon that she would be singing her song "Daddy Issues" from her album, Lemonade, on the CMAs with none other than the Dixie Chicks. There were a lot of people who were not excited about Bey infiltrating the CMAs. Why? Because people are racist and they cloak their racism in lots of different outfits, but at the end of the day, Beyonce, a girl with deep southern roots who wrote an album with deep southern roots, is too black for the CMAs. My fave website, Lainey Gossip, has an great post about the significance of her performance and her choice of partnering with the Dixie Chicks. CLICK HERE to read.

Beyonce Wins at Halloween (and life)

In a world filled with girls dressing like hos for Halloween, who will save us from looking at celebrities dressed like uninspired skanks??? BEYONCE!!! Of course she will.

Beyonce wins Halloween this year for lots of reasons:
1. She dressed like Black Barbie, complete with a box
2a. She forced Jay-Z to dress like Black Ken and he obliged b. after Lemonade, I think Jay-Z has a lot of making up to do, so this was probably part of that).
3. She also dressed like Salt and Peppa with Blue and her mother. Amazing
4. She dressed Jay-Z up like Dwayne Wayne from A Different World (or maybe he came up with it himself
5. She has clean enough floors that it's not gross that her kid is eating off of hers.
6. Her ass looks good in red spandex

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 31, 2016 at 9:50pm PDT

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 31, 2016 at 9:50pm PDT

A video posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 30, 2016 at 8:30pm PDT

Grandmother- in-law-of-the-sister-of-the-bridezilla

Pippa Middleton is engaged to be married a homely, rich, Brit named James Matthews. The anticipated wedding date is sometimes in the spring or early summer of next year. Since Pippa and her tight buns were such amazing helpers at Kate's wedding, it only seems natural that Kate and her tight buns would get to help out at Pippa's as the matron of honor.

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NOT SO FAST!!! Queen Lizzie don't like that. Not one bit. Lizzie knows that this is going to be a spectacle with lots of hangers on attending. She definitely does not want Kate, the future Queen of England, working as Pippa's maid on her wedding day. I'm sure when it was brought up, Queen Lizzie gave a quick "Aw, HELLS NO" in her poshest British accent. She has also apparently shot down any member of the royal family other than Will and Kate attending the wedding. That includes little George and Charlotte. Future Kings don't bear rings for others. Future Kings have their rings KISSED by others. Sorry, George and Charlotte- you will have to have a dance party to Love Shack all by your selves and pretend you are drunk at a wedding reception like the rest of us.