Andy, Akiva, and Jorma are actually childhood friends who now have a group called Lonely Island. FYI- Lonely Island songs were featured on SNL because Jorma and Akiva were writers when Andy was in the SNL cast. The three play childhood friends who form a successful boy band, but Samberg's character goes solo and becomes a huge popstar. The movie chronicles the release of his second album and the subsequent tour. There are many inappropriate jokes and many more inappropriate songs. I eat inappropriateness up with a spoon, so of course, I was all in with this movie. I giggled like a school girl for its entirety.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Watch This (NSFW)
Andy, Akiva, and Jorma are actually childhood friends who now have a group called Lonely Island. FYI- Lonely Island songs were featured on SNL because Jorma and Akiva were writers when Andy was in the SNL cast. The three play childhood friends who form a successful boy band, but Samberg's character goes solo and becomes a huge popstar. The movie chronicles the release of his second album and the subsequent tour. There are many inappropriate jokes and many more inappropriate songs. I eat inappropriateness up with a spoon, so of course, I was all in with this movie. I giggled like a school girl for its entirety.
Destiny's Teenager
The internet exploded for a second this week when Destiny's Child started their official Instagram account. Destiny's Child last released a record in 2005- it was their greatest hits album. You know it was Michelle Williams, sitting at home with nothing to do who started this page just so she could have a place to post old pictures of herself. I don't see Queen Bey going back to her girl band of yesteryear.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Stuff that Happened this week
1. Last week Kayne West had the sads because Jay-Z isn't a good friend these days. Well, it turns out that the reason why Jay-Z has been showing him the cold shoulder is because of Beyonce. Looks like Kanye has 99 problems and the Bey is one. Queen Bey has nothing in common with Kim and doesn't want to hang out with her. I mean, Kim has to take her OWN selfies, while Bey has her own film crew documenting every second of her life. Kim has to archive her photos on instagram or snapchat, whereas Beyonce has her own hermetically sealed chamber in her home where she archives all of her photos and film. So basically the only difference these two have is that Beyonce's vanity is waaaay more high class than Kim's
3. The other day I posted that there were rumors about a possible break up between Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Well, my tears whet the palate of the angels of matrimony which made their taste buds sing into the ears of Keith Urban who posted a photo on Instagram to let me know that all was ok at Casa Urbman. That makes zero sense, but it titilates all of the senses.
Magical butterflies do NOT get dumped...
Another day, another post about Mariah Carey. Our favorite, magical butterfly has reportedly been dumped by her billionaire fiance, James Packer. He apparently dropped her to the curb because of her outlandish spending. James is filthy rich, which automatically means that he can get any lady he wants. When your net worth reaches a certain level, women see Brad Pitt's 1990s/early2000's face and Chris Hemsworth's hotty body when they look at you. He'll be ok. But what will happen to Mariah? She needs to maintain a certain lifestyle or she will wilt and die. Her new music certainly isn't enough to keep that lifestyle alive. She has been allowed to keep her $10 million ring, so she can always pawn that to get through a few months until she can find a new, wealthy man to pay her rent on her private plane.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Mariah has a new holiday
You may not know this about Mariah Carey, but she owns Christmas. "No, No, Beth" you say, "Santa own's Christmas. Doi, everyone knows that." Oh you guys are so sweet and naive. Nope, Mariah Carey purchased the rights to Christmas in the 90s with the royalties from "All I Want For Christmas is You". Now she owns it and part of her ownership agreement allows her to perform at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting special each year and to dress like a slutty Mrs. Claus for the entire month of December. But now, it looks like Mariah needs more holidays. One is not enough for our special butterfly, so she's naturally taken over Halloween. Because #sluttycostumes. Of course she skipped right over Thanksgiving. Mimi doesn't ever want to be associated with eating food or fat turkeys. Mariah had a Halloween party this weekend- 2 weeks early so she could be the first. She dressed as her favorite Halloween character: A slutty flying devil. She's throwing some major shade at that skinny girl playing the piano. I'm sure she was thrown out shortly after this photo was taken. Mariah doesn't allow for people to be skinnier than her in her presence. Always the philanthropist, Mariah hired her ex-husband, Nick Cannon, to DJ at the party AND look after her kids. Mariah is a slutty flying devil with a heart of gold.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Girl's Halloween
*To my knowledge I have never sat beside the road with my genitalia flapping in the breeze. I can say this with 75% confidence. Sorry, mom.
Friday, October 21, 2016
A Tom Cruise Filmography
The Next Angelina Jolie
Sweet lord there is so much to say, but much of it has been said already by Michael K at dlisted. CLICK HERE to link over there, you will not be disappointed. Briefly, Lindsay is now living in Turkey...or Greece...It's not clear where she lives. She has a nightclub in Greece, but talks about Turkey like it's her home. She has set out to help the Syrian refugees in Turkey by giving them free samples of her new organic health drinks. They will then be directed to their local Whole Foods to purchase more should they ever become thirsty again. You see guys, Lindsay knows ALL about religious persecution, because this one time she was walking down the street in New York and carrying the Koran and people were really mean and horrible to her. So she moved to Turkey where everyone is nice and women are free. Lindsay's borderline personality is so strong that she can even split countries- I love you Turkey, I hate you US. Trust me...she'll be back.
The above video is a paiiinnnfffulllll interview of a very self-serious Lindsay who looks and sounds like she sleeps in an ashtray. She also seems to be working her "White female playing a Middle Eastern female in a high school play" accent hard. I made it as far as 1:59 before I stopped. A Deepak Chopra name drop does it to me every time.
Stuff that Happened This Week
1. Victoria Beckham has designed a line of clothing for Target. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I hope she sells me this gorgeous orange dress and I only have to pay $34.99 for it.
2. Jennifer Lawrence continued her sexual march through all the directors in Hollywood by sleeping..er, I mean dating Darren Aronfsky. You know what they say about a guy with 4 (5 if you count y) consecutive consonants in his last name? Don't marry him and take his last name because it's impossible to pronounce.
3. Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Judge Judy, and Carrie Fisher were all born today. That is quite the birthday group. 50% of whom have seen Kanye West naked.
4. Speaking of Kanye. He has the sads because his best boyfriend, Jay-Z, hasn't been nice to him lately and doesn't bring Blue Ivy over to play and didn't come visit after Kim was robbed in Paris. Sadye.
5. The World's hottest pregnant woman, Kerry Washington, announced the birth of her baby boy. The birth occurred earlier in the month, but because Kerry is a secret, undercover, ninja the world was unaware. Her son is named, Caleb, which makes her the most boring celebrity in the world in addition to the the hottest non-pregnant pregnant woman.
6. Tobey Maguire and his wife are getting divorced. Knock knock. Who's there? Who. Who Who? Who who cares about Tobey Maguire.
Who's your Daddy?
In other Hot Harry news, he recorded a video for Heads Together, a charity he runs with Will and Kate to bring awareness about mental illness. Watch the whole thing to hear his cute little giggle at the end. Giggle + Posh accent + Ginger = too much for my heart to handle. Call me, Harry.
Battle of the Florals
Queen Letizia of Spain made a big fashion faux pas this week. She wore a dress with red flowers on it the same week that another royal person did. AAAAHHHHHHH!! Shock!! Horror!!! Sacre Bleu!!!! The Daily Mail is accusing her of copying Kate. Uhhh, last time I checked, Queen Letizia is a QUEEN. Kate is just a Duchess. She's not even really a princess officially unless you consider having your husband's name as part of your official princess title... Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. Queen Letizia is too busy being a queen and hanging out with other Queens like Queen Latifa and Queen Liliuokalani to pay attention to what Baroness Carrickfergus across the way in England is wearing. Which is lovely, by the way, though I wish it were mid shin or floor length. The current length looks weird with the shoes. Queen Letizia is always stunning and doesn't get enough credit as being a style icon like Carrickfergus.
Justin Bieber is a dink.
Above is a real photo of real human women fawning over a wax sculpture of Justin Bieber at Madame Tussard's in London. They struck this pose just after doing a dance number in front of him.
I'm sure it's pretty identical to an actual Bieber concert. A sweaty, waxy, dead eyed Justin stands there while people dance around him. He's been on his Purpose World Tour now since what seems like 2010. This was supposed to be his salvation tour, his come back. He was naughty, but now he is nice. He wasn't sorry, but now he is. Justin is clearly over it and could give two shitakes if he has any fans by the time this tour is complete (its anticipated culmination is sometime in mid 2019). Earlier this week Justin told fans that they were "obnoxious" because they were screaming throughout the whole concert. Last night he told fans to stay as quiet as possible during a few of his ballads and then got pissed when people were yelling as he was trying to talk. JESUS, does he think he's doing a poetry reading at his local Barnes and Nobel or is he playing pop music to 13 year olds at a sold out stadium? He's really the biggest dink right? I know lots of 20 something former pop stars who would do anything to be on a 17 year world tour. Aaron Carter will happily take your place in a heartbeat, you little, whiny, baby. He needs to just quietly retire. Sorry, Friends to the North, but he's all yours and you can take him back now.
If you want to read a FABULOUS article about Bieber, Caity Weaver (who is hilarious by the way...) wrote an interesting and very observant piece about him for GQ Magazine. CLICK HERE to read.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Michelle O-Yeah-Bama
Oh Michelle O. I will miss you so!!! Can't she just stick around as First Best Girlfriend after Barry leaves the White House? Come on...pleeeeassse? I love her so much. The Prime Minister of Italy, Matteo Renzi, is visiting the United States for the final White House State Dinner of the Obama Presidency. Michelle pulled out all the stops in a sparkly Versace number in rose gold. It is a gorgeous dress and looks gorgeous on her. Love her. Will Bill wear a sexy Versace at his first White House State Dinner? Probably not, but there is a 100% chance that he will hit on a young girl wearing a Versace who is attendance.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Douche-Bag of the Year
Let's be honest. Casper Smart is the Douche Bag of the Year. There is nothing not douchey about him. His face, his hair (or lack there of it- he look douchey bald too), his clothes, his goddamn sunglasses in a press line. DOUCHE BAG!!! Let's add one more qualifier to this list...homeboy gold-digger cheated on his main piece, J.Lo...more than once!!!! Jesus!!!! He apparently cheated on her two years ago, but because she has a soft spot for homely men who treat her poorly (I'm looking at you Mark Anthony), she forgave him. After the second round of infidelities, J.Lo finally wised up and kicked his sorry ass out. God, that's so depressing for her. She is gorgeous, has an amazing body, rich, doesn't seem like a total asshole, but there has to be something wrong with her synapses, because she has the absolute worst taste in men. When Ben Affleck is your BEST ex, you may need to do some serious course correction with your choice of boyfriend.
Now that J.Lo is single again though, let's find her a new guy...
1. Back with Ben. He's a hot mess too, but they were AWESOME together.
2. Brad...I don't think she's kinky enough to follow up crazy Angie.
3. Prince Harry. He needs a cougar, she needs to be in the Royal family. Perfect. Imagine J.Lo and Kate as sisters-in-laws!!??!??
4. A rich, attractive tech guy- do they make those?
5. Jake Gyllenhall
6. Drake. Sexy. Yes.
7. Jamie Foxx, but he's maybe with Kate...
8. OMG...just thought of this...TOM CRUISE!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS. However, it will never happen bc J.Lo is best friends with Leah Rimini who Tom Cruise would rather see murdered than see in real life, so there is zero percent chance they would ever hook up.
Bey-Robot
Beyonce performed at the Tidal: Give Us Money, We Need It concert this weekend. During the show, her earring caught on her braid and ripped out. Sasha Fierce didn't even pause. She just kept right on signing. Even she seemed surprised that there was real human blood coming out of her body. When you have been practicing choreography in your living room for hours upon hours since the age of fetus while Daddy Knowles yells out 8 counts, you do not feel pain and you definitely don't stop to regroup when part of your earlobe has been traumatically severed. Keep. On. Performing!!!!
She really puts the LIE in Kylie...
Kylie Jenner has had quite a transformation in the past 5 years. She has constantly denied ever having had plastic surgery, instead claiming that her body transformation has been due to gaining weight and make up. Though she did cop to have lip injections once, she has never mentioned it again. Kylie was recently interviewed on her app and was totes honest, guys...
No butt implants: “[I haven’t had] ass implants. You know, I used to be 120 [lbs.]. I was really skinny. Now I’m pushing like 136. But it’s alright, I like the chunkiness. I don’t really think I have the fattest ass, but I know my angles.”
No breast implants: “They’re not big. I’ve thought about [getting breast implants], but I’m like, why ruin it? I have really good boobs naturally and they’re a cute little size. I’m not against it, but right now, it’s a no from me.”
No cheek or jaw reconstructive surgery. “People starting saying that [when] I was like 16. You think Kris Jenner, at 16 years old, would let me get cheek and jaw reconstructive surgery? Nah. I always used to love my jaw – I never was self-conscious about my jaw.”
No nose job. “I didn’t get a nose job. I’ve always had a cute nose. I’ve really always liked my nose.”
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhttt. Look Kylie, don't piss on my feet and tell me it's raining, you have a NEW FACE!! But let's break this down shall we.
1. No, she doesn't have butt implants. Butt implants are so 2001. She most definitely has fat transfer injections. This much I know is true. All the other Kardashians have had it too.
2. Bitch please, 136 pounds is not chunky. Sit down and stop demeaning every American woman who weighs more than that. Ugh, I can't with this girl.
3. I don't know about her boobs, I'm too distracted by her Bratz doll face to pay attention to her boobs.
4. I think she's not lying about her jaw reconstruction. It looks about the same. She is lying about Kris Jenner letting her get surgery at age 16. Khloe has said that her mother was trying to get her to have a nose job while in her teens...so there's that...
5. Bullshit on the nose job. There is no way she didn't have a nose job. She must think we all walk around with crisco smeared over our eyes. Actually, since people buy her blue lipstick, that may actually be true of her fans.
Scroll through the pics below to see the total facial transplant...er I mean subtle changes of Kylie's face between 2011 and 2016.
No butt implants: “[I haven’t had] ass implants. You know, I used to be 120 [lbs.]. I was really skinny. Now I’m pushing like 136. But it’s alright, I like the chunkiness. I don’t really think I have the fattest ass, but I know my angles.”
No breast implants: “They’re not big. I’ve thought about [getting breast implants], but I’m like, why ruin it? I have really good boobs naturally and they’re a cute little size. I’m not against it, but right now, it’s a no from me.”
No cheek or jaw reconstructive surgery. “People starting saying that [when] I was like 16. You think Kris Jenner, at 16 years old, would let me get cheek and jaw reconstructive surgery? Nah. I always used to love my jaw – I never was self-conscious about my jaw.”
No nose job. “I didn’t get a nose job. I’ve always had a cute nose. I’ve really always liked my nose.”
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhttt. Look Kylie, don't piss on my feet and tell me it's raining, you have a NEW FACE!! But let's break this down shall we.
1. No, she doesn't have butt implants. Butt implants are so 2001. She most definitely has fat transfer injections. This much I know is true. All the other Kardashians have had it too.
2. Bitch please, 136 pounds is not chunky. Sit down and stop demeaning every American woman who weighs more than that. Ugh, I can't with this girl.
3. I don't know about her boobs, I'm too distracted by her Bratz doll face to pay attention to her boobs.
4. I think she's not lying about her jaw reconstruction. It looks about the same. She is lying about Kris Jenner letting her get surgery at age 16. Khloe has said that her mother was trying to get her to have a nose job while in her teens...so there's that...
5. Bullshit on the nose job. There is no way she didn't have a nose job. She must think we all walk around with crisco smeared over our eyes. Actually, since people buy her blue lipstick, that may actually be true of her fans.
Scroll through the pics below to see the total facial transplant...er I mean subtle changes of Kylie's face between 2011 and 2016.
Lohan Nightclub
Lindsay Lohan has created quite the nice life for herself in Greece. All she has to do is have sex with Greek and Russian men and they give her money. Sometimes they but off her fingers, but it's totally worth it in the end. Did I say that? Yes I did. LL's most recent venture is a part "owner" of a nightclub in Greece creatively called "Lohan Nightclub". PS- that's a horrible name. Lindsay doesn't actually own the nightclub at all. Her Greek restauranteur pal, Dennis Papageorgiou, is the owner. LL just gets part of the back end for making appearances and using her name on the sign to draw people to the club (so they can get a front row seat to view the shitstorm that is LL). The Lohan Nightclub Facebook page has 5/5 stars by 42 reviewers (who are probably all fake profiles that Lindsay created during a coke binge). There is no better place for a person with drug and alcohol abuse issues to work than a nightclub- great choice, Lindsay!!
Here is a video of Lindsay using all of her public relations skills to address the crowd of people who actually paid money to be in her club on the opening night. Stay classy, Lindsay.
Here is a video of Lindsay using all of her public relations skills to address the crowd of people who actually paid money to be in her club on the opening night. Stay classy, Lindsay.
Nifty Fifty
Sadly, if Dylan is 50, it means that AHHHndrea Zuckerman must be filling out her paperwork for medicare at this very moment. Girlfriend was pushing 30 while she working the beat for the West Beverly Blaze. (Actually per a quick google search, she is 55..so pretty close).
Big Little Lies
Have you read "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty? If not, you should. It's one of my favorites of Moriarty's. The book takes place in an upper middle class seaside community in Australia. The story focuses on three friends who all have children in Kindergarten together. The story spans the course of the school year. In the beginning you find out that that someone that they all know has died at a school fundraiser at the end of the year. The killer was at the fundraiser. The characters all know who died and some know who did it, but it isn't revealed to the readers. The story then moves to the beginning of the school year with different narrators each chapter. It's a really easy, fun read. All of her books are great, actually. Moriarty develops her characters well and they are very relatable and realistic. HBO has developed a limited series based on the book that is coming out in 2017. This appears to take place in Southern California with the main characters being played by Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, and Shailene Woodley. It looks like it's going to be goooooood!! I can't wait to binge!
Friday, October 14, 2016
Jonas V-Card
I lost my virginity to this girl named Ashley. You can probably just Google it. It's pretty easy to figure out. I dated a girl named Ashley, so just Google it to figure out which Ashley that is. It's quite the great story because I didn't have any condoms, so I went to our drummer, Jack's room, who was my roommate at the time and I demolished his room looking for them. Found them underneath his underwear drawer. When he came home, he thought somebody broke into his room because his whole room was demolished because I was in dire need. Needed to happen then and now. Safety first, kids.
Snore. What a boring story, right? It's like he took it right out of an episode of 90210 the College Years. Picture David trashing Steve's room to find a condom when it was finally time to de-virginize Donna. Steve calls the cops and hijinks ensue. The most amazing part of this whole story is that a man who has faithfully worn tight jeans for years and years can still get an erection. I'd figure that his ejection mechanism would have been squeezed to death by all that restrictive denim. And if you are wondering who Ashley is...it's Ashley Greene, of Twilight fame, who will now forever be known as the woman who holds Joe Jonas's V-card.
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