Girl's Halloween

When you are a mature woman, Halloween can be a bit of a downer...amiright, ladies?! You're too old and have too many stretch marks to go as a slutty girl scout or a slutty astronaut. Your paleo diet totally frowns on eating 16 pounds of sugar in one night. Going to a Halloween party probably means staying up past 9 and I turn into a pumpkin if I'm not in my jammies by 9pm...and it's not even a slutty pumpkin, it's just a big, orange, fat pumpkin with retin-A smeared all over its face to prevent wrinkles. That's why it's fun to have a quiet night with close friends, wearing low-key costumes, and getting dinner and hanging out with other mature, responsible adults. It's super important to proclaim to all of your friends that you aren't even going to drink that night, because you don't need alcohol to have a good time. Announcing it to the Gods will never, ever lead you to sit on the side of the road with your genitalia flapping in the breeze or to puke in your pizza. Take it from me...I know*.

*To my knowledge I have never sat beside the road with my genitalia flapping in the breeze. I can say this with 75% confidence.  Sorry, mom.