Ben Affleck was seen out and about last week with a mystery blond and everyone got excited that she was his new lady friend. She wasn't. Nope, she was his detox nurse/sober companion. She owns a concierge at home detox business. I hope she gets paid well, because nothing is worse than people who are going thru detox. They may suck as drunks, but trust me, they suck worse when they are in drug and alcohol withdrawl. Beyond that, now she has to baby sit him and make sure he doesn't put anything toxic in his mouth. Worst.job.ever.
Now that we've talked about Ben's sobriety or non-sobriety, jury is still out, let's talk about his face. It looks bad. He has clearly had some work done on his eyes and has also had way too much botox. His face is way too tight. His eyes are pulled so tight, I wonder if he can even close them. He's gonna start to look like Kenny Rogers soon if he doesn't quit his current plastic surgeon.
Amal Clooney is a super-female. She's beautiful, smart, stylish, svelt, successful and married to a movie star. If that's not enough, now Amal is reportedly growing not one but two babies in her womb. Of course she is. Can't she just be average, just this once? Nope, she has to show us all that her tiny uterus can nourish two fetuses. Of course, this has not been confirmed by the Clooney-Amal camp, but she has reportedly been spotted in fertility clinics in both New York and London and she was noted to be drinking only water at the event at which the above photo was taken...drinking water at parties is the universal sign of being pregnant by the way. Wearing a busy, lose fitting dress is as well. Based on these photos, it looks s though even the notion of having children has instantly aged George 5-10 years, homeboy is looking rough.
I couldn't decide on just one best dressed this year. I either really hated the dresses or liked them equally. Nobody stood out the most as being the top of the heap.
I love Sarah Paulson. This dress didn't really stand out to me when I was looking at red carpet pictures, but when Sarah won and was moving in the dress, I really loved it. My favorite part is the golden zebra pattern. It's really distinct. I love the boatneck cut and then open back. I don't love Sarah's styling and I think it brings down the overall look. I could do without the center part and she needs a brighter lip.
Are we in a fight that I like this curtain dress? I'm sorta in a fight with myself about it. It looks like curtains and it has a bow...two things I am against. Let me clarify, I have nothing against curtains themselves, but I generally dislike dresses that look like curtains. Despite this dressing standing for everything I'm against, I love it. I love how it flows and how it moved on stage. I love the colors. I like the lightness of it. It's just pretty to my eyes. I could love it more if it didn't have the bow and had a sash or something different at the waist, but I can forgive.
I think if someone forced me to pick one person as my best dressed, I'd pick Emma Stone. I just love her so much and her overall look tonight was perfection. She looked like a she had a different light shining on her- like she was kissed by the angels all night long. She looks so ethereal. The dress itself was not a total grand slam, but it was pretty. I loved the stars. Her makeup was beautiful and hair, while it would have driven me nuts and been a mess by the end of the night, fit the look well. Emma always has interesting choices in fashion and I'm excited about future looks from her!
Naomie Harris is so beautiful. I love this dress. I love the metallic color but also love the texture and rigidity of it. Her hair and simple styling is also stunning. A+
What in the ever living hell has happened to Sylvester Stallone's face? He presented the final award tonight and his face was legit orange. The shade of orange does was much brighter on my TV than in the above photo. Everyone looked really orange tonight, so much that I actually adjusted my television picture, because I thought my tv was playing games with me. Sly was the orangest of them all. He looks like an over-botoxed Oompah loompah with hair plugs. I'm going to wager a bet that is not the intended look he is going for.
The last time we saw John Travolta and Kelly Preston at an awards show (see below), he looked like a wax figure of John Travolta and she looked like a wax figure of Marie Osmond. I'm happy to say that they have turned things around at their at home wax studio so they now look like real live human versions of themselves!!!
Being pregnant at an awards show can't be easy. For one, you can't drink, so that blows, because it's a long show and the only think that will make it more interesting is booze (or reading this blog). Secondly, there are not a lot of gowns out there made for girls with any sort of projection from her abdomen. Actresses don't have guts. The only good part about being prego in a gown is that you don't have to wear spanx. That's probably the only perk.
Natalie Portman must love being pregnant at awards shows, because she seems to time her award winning performances with her egg fertilizing. Maybe fetuses just bring her good luck, because she was pregnant when she won her last Oscar. I'm really loving Natalie's whole look tonight. She was nominated for playing Jackie Kennedy and she really nailed the 60's vibe with her yellow dress and half up hair-do. I love the beaded details on the bottom of her dress and sleeves. Overall, she nailed it with this one!
Why, Keith Urban?!?! Why does a man living in 2017 continue to flat iron and highlight his hair? Just because the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls does it, does not mean it's ok. It's not. It's not ok to follow the lead of anyone who names his band "Goo Goo Dolls".
And while we are on the subject of things I don't like, I will mention that I don't like Nicole's dress. It wouldn't be as awful without the puffy, bejeweled sleeves, but there they are and they are really dragging down that dress and distracting away from the cool beading.
What's going on with Chris Pine's beard? Why is it growing up his face? I don't know much about beard management as I have never successfully grown one, but I do know when a beard looks bad and his does. I must say that I'm used to seeing Chris as Prince or leading man, so I wasn't expecting those gray whiskers on top of the extra sideburns or reverse muttons or cheekfur whatevs you call it. It looks bad and needs to be shaved. The end.
Busy Phillips should be my best friend. I think she'd like me. I'm already HER friend because I follow her on Instagram and she talks to me every night on her Insta-stories. And we are friends because I have a whole room with just pictures of her, and newspaper clippings about her, and one black and white tv that just shows clips of her acting over and over again. That's not weird at all, is it? Anyway, for real though, she seems like a fun chick. She's real-life best friends with Michelle Williams who always brings Busy with her to award shows. I'm not a huge fan of Michelle's doily dress this year (she looks like a little lamb with a black bow around it's neck), but I love Busy's dress. I always love a pretty print. The cut of her dress is flattering, love the colors, and the pop with the yellow clutch. It's a big win for me!
I love Janelle Monae's style. She's always 100% unique and interesting. She always makes me want to look closer, to inspect the details and the thought that she's put into what she's wearing. I never glace over anything Janelle wears. Her dress is cute, but what I love is her hair. The rhinestones and the beehive. It could be really tacky, but it's not. It's gorgeous.
Sofia Vergara's dress is a nightmare. It's definitely the worst of the night. It is so busy with the lace and the sheer and the shoulder cut outs and the sternum cutout (is that a fashion term?) and the boobs and the sequins. It gave me a migraine. The dress is anti-pretty.
To add insult to injury, Sofia presented an award and was written to sound like a total idiot. Because Sofia is voluptuous and has a Mexican accent she must be dumb, right? She can't speak English let alone read it. She's too pretty to be smart. Clearly this is her schtick. This is the character she plays on tv. But why does it have to overflow into real life? Why does her wit have to be at the expense of her intelligence? I expressed my disgust at how such a beautiful woman was always written to be so dumb. My husband reminded me that she may be in on the joke and laughing all the way to the bank. I'm not sure if we are laughing at her or with her, but I'm definitely laughing at her joke of a dress.
I love this dress. I love the simplicity of the white with the uniqueness of the bronze sequins. Bronze is the metal color of 2017, just in case you were wondering. It's also why Moscow Mules are the cocktail of 2017. Ask anyone. Ok, back to the dress. The sequins remind me of everyone's favorite Christmas present (no not a hatchimal)...a mermaid pillow.
Heidi Klum's dress is ok. It's geometric and fun. It's not hurting anyone. She gets a special honorary award for being the best Heidi Klum in years. Heidi used to wear show-stoppers. Then something happened. Was it when Project Runway moved from Bravo to Lifetime? Did Tim Gunn stop giving her free fashion advice? Whatever it was, her style took a downward spiral. This dress isn't perfect, but it's much better. I'm just happy to see her in a dress that's not a trainwreck.
We've gone from vibrant Viola Davis in her vivid yellow to dead-eyed Emily Ratajowski (why didn't she change her last name?!?!) in her saggy, sad yellow dress. Emily is in her 20's and has never had a baby. Her boobs should not appear at her waist. Lift those suckers up! It's not clear to me why Emily keeps getting invited to award shows. Is she an actress? I only know her as the girl from the Blurred Lines video. This dress is ugly, it's ill fitting, the color is not pretty or flattering. I have nothing more to say, Emily, please take your things a leave.
There were a ton of yellow dresses on the red carpet tonight. Some were good, some were bad. I'll post my worst later. But let's focus on the best of the yellows- Viola Davis. Oh, what a vision!!! The sparkle, the vibrant yellow, the simplicity of the cut! Her skin is radiant and the bright yellow against her dark skin is so beautiful. Viola is a powerful actress and she's wearing a powerful dress!
Hmmmm, how do I say this nicely? My first impression of the top of Carrie Underwood's dress is "wrinkly asymmetrical labia with venereal disease". Google it, I promise that Carrie's dress will be one of the first images that comes up. On second thought, no, don't Google it. I promise you that you will never unsee what comes up on the search. Carrie hates this dress too, look at her face.
I love Donald Glover. He's smart and funny and well dressed. We don't see Chocolate tuxedos or suits much these days, which is a good thing, because most couldn't pull it off. BUT when it's a chocolate, VELVET, tuxedo worn in a sea of black and white tuxedos the man wearing it will be the best dressed man. Bravo.
I've always thought that Goldie Hawn was ageless. I was wrong. Even if you name your daughter, Goldie, and she keeps the same gold mop of hair well into her 70s, she will still get old. Her husband, named Kurt, will not age at all. The lesson here: People named Kurt do not age. People named Goldie do, but don't accept it. They may even consider trying to eat small children in their never ending quest to appear youthful.
Drew Barrymore looks like she came directly to the Golden Globes after having just crawled out from under a banquette at Studio 54, where she'd been passed out since 1981. Maybe that was the look she was going for. If so...NAILED IT!
Blake Lively had a baby not that long ago. She looks phenomenal. She should stop dieting now, because she's curvy and beautiful. She looks better than any of us who have not had babies in the past 6-12 months. Here is my observation about Blake on the red carpet...Blake's dress tells me that she is not at her goal weight and isn't excited about it. First it's black. Second, it has those gold pockets so she can rest her hands on her hips, which is a very slimming pose. Her hands were stuck in that position on the red carpet. I dare you to find a photo of her posing without her hands on her hips. I think she looks gorgeous, you think she does too. I'm not sure that she does.
Sarah Jessica Parker once played Annie on Broadway and now it looks like she's auditioning to play Heidi in "Heidi of the Alps Get's Married". But the problem is that SJP is 51 years old and I hate to say this, but her face looks 50, her decolletage looks 50, but her hair and her dress are trying hard to be a millenial from Switzerland and it's just really confusing.
OK this is my 3rd post of the night and I've already referred to boobs as Golden Globes twice. Feminism is alive in my living room right now.
But for real though. Priyanka's breasts are perfect, her face is perfect, her dress is perfect. Have you heard her accent? It's perfect too. I can't stop crushing on her.
Brie Larson won everything last year. Then she fell off the face of the Earth. She's back at this year's Golden Globes as a presenter and I didn't recognize her at all. My exact thought when I saw her picture was "Who the F is that?" She got a new face since we last saw her...or just some new eyeliner and lipstick...or a new face. I like her dress, but I'm too distracted by her new face to really pay much attention.
Award season has officially begun...er, well, it officially began at the Critic's Choice awards in December, but nobody was really paying attention back then. So now, we will unofficially officially start award season, which I love. Golden Globes are always my favorite, because there's a lot of booze and there's a nice mix of TV and movies. People are drunk, hungry, and ready to party.
I will be posting all night tonight- reactions about the awards, dresses, speeches, etc. Keep refreshing or coming back, there's going to be a ton of posts tonight.
The Queen of Christmas, Mariah Carey, needs more money. Her holiday
cash cow has come and gone and that yacht isn't going to pay for itself.
So what's a girl to do? Infiltrate the next holiday, of course. But the
Fat Baby of New Years was having none of that shit. Homegirl stole
Christmas from Santa, but she sure as hell wasn't going to steal a night
of overhyped drunken debauchery from him.
So Fat Baby
had no choice but to sabotage Mariah's Times Square performance by
messing with her ear piece so she couldn't hear the lyrics of the songs
to which she planned to lip sync. He'd get her good. She'll look like a
blubbering idiot and she'll never touch New Years Eve again.
The problem is that even though Mariah's performance was a bigger bomb than Hillary in November (too soon?), Mariah herself has prevailed. Everyone is talking about her. She's the most famous person of 2017 so far. She collected her fat check and walked away back to her fabulous yacht. And then she had the insight to post an gif to twitter that trolled us all. She gives zero shits! Bravo, Mariah!!! I hereby declare you the Queen of New Years!! Watch your back Cupid...you are no match for her sexy lingerie and remake of "My Endless Love"
