Sunday, January 6, 2019

Pretty on the top, Lazy on the bottom

Embed from Getty Images

On first gaze, Julia Roberts looks like the glowing movie star powerhouse that she is with her bright smile, blonde waves, and soft pink, gauzy off the shoulder top. Pan out and she's paired it all with black pants. I think I have Athleta pants that look similar to hers. How amazing would she have looked if that soft pink mullet skirt was a full skirt? She would have looked so ethereal and would have been my top 5 for sure (first place if she put on some brighter lipstick). I know she wasn't there as a nominee and was trying to be low key, but she's Julia Roberts...there is nothing low key about Julia Roberts...please show up as the biggest movie star of my generation, please? Thanks.

Best Dressed

Embed from Getty Images

Patricia Clarkson is radiant. Her joy was seeping out of her and into that beautiful dress last night. I felt "meh" when I saw it in pictures, but on camera it was so much more vibrant and coral and gorgeous!!! I love her bright lip and soft wavy blonde hair. She has so much life in her smile and eyes and she's simply glowing. I also love the sparkly peekaboo on top. It's such a fantastic, unique dress and it's why she deserves the best dressed award.

It's funny, I don't really know anything that she has been in and the number one thing I remember her for is the Adam Samberg/Justin Timberlake song "Mother Lover" on SNL. She played one of the mothers.

Most Frightening Golden Globes Attendee

Embed from Getty Images

Rosamund Pike will cut a bitch if you cross her. She didn't play Amazing Amy on Gone Girl...she became her. Gah, she give me chills.

I love her little capelet/coat though, super cute. 

Best Stars

Embed from Getty Images

How great is this dress? I love the color and the stars and Melissa's fresh face. Her skin is TO DIE FOR. She glows from the inside out. Call me, Melissa let's be best friends...bring Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph too, please! 

Worst Dressed

Embed from Getty Images

Here are the reasons that Gina Rodriquez is my worst dressed of 2019 Golden Globes

1. That first pose. You are not a bat, please stop acting like one.
2. Ice blue color. Bleh.
3. Deep V with no boob support
4. Horrible makeup.
5. Gina is a young, modern woman, yet dressed like a Palm Beach housewife on her way to bed in the 1950s.

Best Breasts

Embed from Getty Images

Halle Berry's breasts defy physics, human physiology, time- Those breasts are 52 years old, but they are so perky and perfect. They may have been kissed by a surgeon's scalpel, but I don't care, because they are so well done it's impossible to tell. Let's all raise a toast to Halle's Boobies!!!! Here Here!!

Best Gold

Embed from Getty Images
100% sure I say this every year, but Felicity Huffman is a hot piece of ass. She's 56 and looks hotter and hotter every year. I feel like every year I do a double take when she's presenting and ask myself "Who dat?!" and then I realize it's her and it makes me so happy. She's a golden goddess with her beachy waves and gold beaded dress. She's in my top 5 of the night.

Couple I'm Most Likely to Fantasize Doing It

Embed from Getty Images
Call me a creep, but I couldn't help think/fantasize about Idris Elba and Taylor Swift going back to a hotel and ravaging each other after the Golden Globes. Quite frankly, Idris Elba could be presenting with Elmo and I'd still fantasize about the two of them heading back to the hotel after the show...

Try to unsee Idris and Elmo doing sexay's impossible.

Best Frayed Doily

Embed from Getty Images

I don't love this dress. If it were a jewel tone like deep aubergine it would be great, but in that taupey gray (that I only associate with dead bodies) it is no bueno. That dress looks like it was a white doily that went into the wash with dark clothes that bled and then the washing machine frayed half the edge. This hits close to home because I'm horrible at doing laundry and turn all of my white clothes the color of her dress. Add to it that her make up makes look anemic and sad. It's a bust.

Girl- you are Mary MF Poppins...jazz it up a bit! No more nudes!!!

Saddest Rosette

Embed from Getty Images

I've never considered a velvet rosette as sad, but Catriona Balfe's sure is. It's saggy and lonely and really has no point other than to weigh down Catriona's breasts with its heavy velvetiness. I want to chop that rosette right off that dress and tickle it in hopes to cheer it up. Tickling makes everyone happy.

Anne Is Wearing Animal Print

Embed from Getty Images

I can't say if this was a best or worst dress for me. I am the number one proponent for animal prints. Look it up, you will find my face attached to a cheetah's body. At first I hated the dress. Then I stared at it for a while and it started to grow on me- I like the off the shoulder sleeves and the full skirt. Perhaps, it would have been better without the shiny detail on top...or if the entire top was shiny. The weird triangles under her boobs are distracting. And she definitely needs a red lip. You can't wear leopard print with a nude lip...I should know, because I wrote the Handbook on How to Wear Animal Prints.

Best Disco Ball

Embed from Getty Images Thandie Newton came to PARTY!!! She is hot AF, right?!!? I love this dress and it was my best dressed until I saw another dress on stage. I love her big hair, the structure of the dress, the cut outs, the sequins, her makeup...everything. Thandie knows how to bring it year after year. Love her.

Best/Worst Hanger Oner

Embed from Getty Images Heidi Klum was at the Golden Globes, I guess for project runway, which hasn't been on the air for like 27 months. She also recently got engaged. Her new fiance whom we will call "The Most Annoying Plus One On God's Great Earth" would not get the F out of the shot for her to be photographed alone. Every photo on Getty Images has him in it. Every. Single. One. It's not that she looks that great, and quite frankly, I was going to complain in this post that she looks like a corpse bride, but he totally distracted me from my disdain of her horrible makeup coupled with ugly/giant dress. Burn in hell The Most Annoying Plus One On God's Great Earth" and take that awful dress and Heidi's make up artist with you.

Best Pink

Embed from Getty Images Regina King is a rosy vision. I loved her message in her acceptance speech. I love how excited her son was and that he almost pulled that gorgeous dress right off her with his joy. She looks amazing in that dress.

Worst Tailoring

Embed from Getty Images I love the concept of this dress- the color and the fireworks on the skirt. But that's it. The dress looks like little girl Claire Foy is wearing her mom's fancy nightgown to play dress up. It is so ill-fitting in the chest, particularly under her arms. If it had a structured bust it'd be so much better on her tiny frame. I'm adding some pics of Claire from another red carpet because with that red lip, slicked hair, and black suit she looks like a boss bitch!!!

Best Prevention of Malaria

Embed from Getty Images I love what is happening underneath all of that mosquito netting on Lucy Liu's dress. It may just be my favorite dress it it wasn't preparing itself for a safari.

Best Use of White

Embed from Getty Images Jamie Lee Curtis!!! My god she is smoking hot!! That white dress, white hair, white hot bod. All that Activia Yogurt she's been eating has been paying off!!! I'm blown away at how good she looks.

When pretty girls become drug addicts

Embed from Getty Images I call this look: "That girl who was hot in high school but got into blow and it became a big problem comes back to chaperone the prom" **Ed note: I don't know if Amber Heard is a drug addict, but she sure looks like one.

Best Cape

Embed from Getty Images Glenn Close doesn't need to diet for the Golden Globes, nope...she just pulls on her amazing cape dress, ties the bedazzled bow at her neck, and she's out the door. Brilliant.

Best Fraggle Princess

Embed from Getty Images Oh Lady Gaga- I love you so. I love your blue hair, your ginormous sleeves, your dress that matches your amazing blue hair like the Fraggle Princess that you are, your giant diamonds, and your ON FLEEK brows. You are so very very extra and it's my favorite.

Best Use of a Land's End Bathing Suit

Embed from Getty Images When you have kids you suddenly have breasts that want to kiss your navel and it takes a special kind of NASA engineering to hoist those suckers back where they originated. Land's End has the market cornered in "Middle Class Summertime Breast Hoisting". One of the tricks Land's End employs is a criss-cross rouching across the chest...just like Rachel Brosnanhan's dress...except she has perky nulliparous breasts. So I'm going to assume that she is paying homage to all the middle class breast owners who watch her show and make it successful. We see you, Rachel...we see you!!!

Worst highlights, Best dress

Embed from Getty Images That dress, that body...Nicole never fails me! She was my Oscar Best Dress winner and is tops for me this year too...though not #1. Maybe she'd be number one, if she'd stop hanging out with Captain Highlights. What the ever loving hell?!?! It's 2019, Keith Urban put the MF flat iron down and just get a haircut that's short on the sides and the top. It's not that hard, any barber in the world can do it. Nice person...bad hair.

My Person

Embed from Getty Images
Sandra Oh looks like an Old Hollywood goddess. I love her hair, her makeup, and that billowy Greek Goddess dress. Yes to all of it. She is my person 100%

Bottom of the D-List

Embed from Getty Images

Whelp, I'm gonna start on a snarky level tonight for good old times. I have all night for positivity.

When you're a D-list celebrity, you get the dregs of the dress pickings. What happens when you are on the bottom of the D-list and married to a retired and already forgotten about NFL quarterback? You get the dregs of the dress and the weave selection...and quite frankly, the dregs of the spray tan girl and make up artist selection too. Woof!! Why do her sleeves cover her hands? Is it sexy to show your side boob, but cover up your knuckles? It's only 7:25 and this dress is already on my least favorite list...congrats, Kristin Cavallari, you finally topped a list!!

PopCrush is Back!!!!

Welcome back!!! It's been almost 1 year since PopCrush went dark, but I can't stay way during awards season. Sorta like how Lindsay Lohan can't stay away from her pimp, Meghan Markle can't stay away from poorly fitted, designer clothes, and Donald Trump can't stay away from Twitter. I'm here all night, dishing about all celebrity fashion and the highs and lows of the Golden Globes. Keep checking back!!

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Best Dress

Embed from Getty Images I love Viola's Pink and that other girl's Yellow, but I really love Nicole's blue. I love how it shined on on stage. I love how stiff the material is and how Nicole had to walk like a lithe little robot in it. I love the lines of the bodice and the big crotch bow. It's a perfect dress for Nicole. This is how you dress out of the box. This is how you do a statement bow. The fit is perfection. The color looks so good in contrast to her white skin and light hair...and look she is wearing a colorful lip!! Nicole always brings it and did it again this year!!!!

Not Even Trying

Embed from Getty Images

Emma Stone's publicist called her this afternoon to see if she was ready for the Oscars yet and Emma was like "Say What?!? I thought they were next weekend!!" So she ran into her closet and grabbed the first thing she could find and rushed out the door to a waiting limo. That's the only explanation for why Emma is wearing this ugly sateen blazer and black pants. The next plausible explanation is that Emma just gives zero shites about the Oscars and didn't want to be there. This outfit speaks loudly to that hypothesis.

Bitch Stole My Look

Awkward!!! Allison Janey and Meryl Streep wore two very similar dresses. I'm sure Meryl doesn't care because this is her 592th nomination so she probably just found that dress in the back of her closet. I love Allison's red dress with the long sleeves that give a cape-like effect. She looks so gorgeous tonight, but how does she pee without getting those draping sleeves in the toilet? I need to know. Embed from Getty Images
Embed from Getty Images

Worst Dress

Embed from Getty Images
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is not a dress that an Oscar nominee wears. This is a dress that a C list singer wears to the Grammy's. An Oscar nominee has one job on Oscar night. Your only job is to look fabulous...that's it. This dress is heinous. First off the color- my favorite dress was brilliant pink. This dress is depressing pink. Looking at it makes me sad. It's the color of the inside of a colon.

Secondly, the dress doesn't fit her boobs. It's being pulled down by that ginormous, heavy bow in the back. I bet she was tugging on that dress all night. There's no excuse for a dress that doesn't fit when you are an Oscar nominee. Again, you have ONE JOB!

It's obvious that Saoirse was trying to dress outside the box and not play it safe and I will give her credit for that, but this dress was the wrong choice. Her joyless face makes me think that she may agree.

Best Spokesmodel

Embed from Getty Images
I know I called Jane Fonda that best Old Lady at the Oscars, but Helen Mirren takes a very close second. I don't even consider her "old" because she is so effervescent and sassy as hell and I love that she swears like a sailor. I don't want Helen to be my memaw, I want her to be my best friend who swears around my kids, sexually harasses my husband, and who I have to kick out of my house for smoking cigarettes even though I told her not to. I didn't even notice that Helen was the jetski spokesmodel until I looked for pictures of her on the interwebs. I can only imagine her as a Barker's Beauty on The Price as Right, she would have definitely told that dirty old Bob to go f*ck himself.

Best Sparkle

I loved, loved, loved Lupita Nyong'o and Gal Gadot's dresses. They were almost tied for first in my book.
I loved the sparkle and construction of Lupita's. She looked like a golden goddess. And I double loved her look with her cute black glasses. Gal looked like a 20's glamour girl. The shine and movement of her dress on tv made me love it more. She also gets bonus points for styling with that sick drop necklace, red lip, and simple pulled back hair style. These two are smart, well spoken, beautiful women who both seem like a ton of fun. Love them!!

 Embed from Getty Images

 Embed from Getty Images

Worst attempt at trying

Embed from Getty Images Remember in the 90s and 00's when Matthew McConaughey was hot. Well, I'm sorry to break it to you ladies but he's not anymore. He's a sketchy spokesperson for Lincolns now. He's gone from getting arrested for playing bongos naked to trying to make Lincolns cool (they're not). Matthew is in such dire straights he couldn't even be bothered to shower or shave for the ceremonies tonight.


Embed from Getty Images

 Margot Robbie is nominated for Best Actress. She should be wearing something glamorous and beautiful and memorable. Instead she's wearing a white sheet with some Christmas garland attached. It's a big NOPE. Even her makeup is boring. Enough with the nude lips girls, just stop. I'm not opposed to a white dress...see Laura Dern below for how it's done, girls. But I am against this white dress.

 Laura is the QUEEN!!!

Embed from Getty Images

Tiffany Haddish for President

Embed from Getty Images
Tiffany Haddish is my favorite. She is honest, funny, and having a great time with her rise to fame. She wore a traditional Eritrean gown as a nod to her late father who is from Eritrea, a country that I had never heard of, despite living in Kenya for a year. Ignorant American party of one!!

Have you seen Girls Trip? It is hilarious and dirty. My favorite combination. When Tiffany was promoting the movie, she had a hilarious story about taking Will and Jada Smith on a Groupon swamp tour. I needs to be seen and I will make it happen for you...

Random Athletes at the Oscars

Embed from Getty Images
Look, its Kobe Bryant at the Oscars. Why? Who the hell knows, but his wife looks psyched to be there. I'm guessing that he cheated on her again and part of his penance is checking off his wife's bucket list. Embed from Getty Images
An overly tanned and super blond Lindsay Vonn also showed up on the red carpet because #Olympics. I'm very distracted by her blond hair and I wish I could convince her to darken that hair up a bit and go back to her natural color, but she won't return my calls. I wish Tara Lipinksi and Johnny Weir were invited to the Oscars, they would have looked 200x more fabulous. Embed from Getty Images
While we didn't get Tara and Johnny, we DID get Tara and Johnny 2.0 in the form of figure skaters Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu. I really like Mirai's dress and Adam Rippon is a BOSS in his buckles and straps. He is owning that red carpet. Love him and his very well spoken message. He's a force to be reckoned with!!

Hottest Person I've Never Seen Before

Embed from Getty Images
I don't know who this girl is. I learned from the internet that she was in a movie called "Baby Driver". Is that the sequel to "Boss Baby"? I can only assume Baby Driver is a movie about someone driving and it was made only for men and that my husband will inevitably find it on cable one day and force me to watch it. I'm already pissed. Anyway, while I love sparkly dresses, I find myself also loving very plain, well fitting dresses and this dress fits this girl like a glove. Not many people could rock a bright yellow dress, but with that banging little body, this girl can. I hope her next movie has a better name.

Best Soccer Mom

Embed from Getty Images
Jennifer Garner looks pretty plain in her normal life- jeans, no makeup, ponytail. But oh girl, does she clean up well. She looks gorgeous tonight!! I love the electric blue color of her dress and her full, wavy hair. I'm not sure exactly what she's representing at the Oscars, the only things she acts in are Capital One commercials. Maybe she's just there as the representative of hot soccer moms. Well done, Jenny.

Fluffy Corpse

Embed from Getty Images
Every year one actress dresses as a corpse for the Oscars in head to toe nude. This year was Allison Williams' turn. Allison decided to wear a puffy corpse dress that looks like it was made out of rhinestoned human skin. Despite the fluff, Allison still looks hungry, anemic, and in need of a long nap.

Bejeweled Lampshade

Embed from Getty Images
What in the ever living frack is Selma Hayak wearing? While I love purple, sequins, and diamonds, I cannot condone their use in this combination. It's hideous. The whole look is horrid. Selma's husband is the CEO of a fashion empire that owns Gucci, Balenciaga, Alexander McQueen to name a few fashion houses to which she has access...and this is what she picks...and jeweled lampshade. Not cute.

Best Pink

Embed from Getty Images
VIOLA!!! This dress is EVERYTHING!! If you are going to wear pink, then wear PINK! This is the shade of pink that Victoria's secret talks about when it splashes PINK! across the ass of sweatpants. This is the pink that the singer Pink was named after. This is the perfect pink and Viola is the perfect person to wear this color. She's sassy, beautiful, her skin is glowing, and she's so confidant. Her awards style never stops being awesome. She's the best!!! And how cool is that purse?

Best Scarlet O'Hara Impression

Embed from Getty Images

Andra Day didn't have anything to wear for the Oscars, but she had some amazing curtains. Things were getting down to the wire and she had no choice, she had to use the curtains. So she used some safety pins, double sided tape, and ingenuity and made herself and goddamn dress. She even made a special vent for kitty cat to breathe in all that taffeta. When she got to the Red Carpet she plopped herself down on the carpet to sulk and wait for Rhett Butler. He never showed up and Andra was last seen being escorted out by security.

Best Oscar Old Lady

Embed from Getty Images
There are many old ladies yet to arrive, but I don't care. I'm calling it now. Jane Fonda wins every year as the best old lady. She is EIGHTY years old. EIGHTY!!! She is twice as old as me, but her waist is smaller, her skin is tighter, and her boobs are higher. But I'm not mad. I'm hopeful. Hopeful that someday I will find a plastic surgeon as adept as hers to keep me looking hot forever and that I will have enough money to afford him/her. Never stop being a hot old thing, Jane. I love you and I want you to be my Sexy Hot Meemaw.

Oscar Time

Oh, hello again. Remember me? I'm back for at least one night to provide commentary and lots of snark about Oscar night 2018. The dresses, the winners, the losers (cough, I'm looking at you Ryan Seacrest). I've gotta be 100% honest here- I have not seen one movie nominated tonight. Not one. The most recent movie I saw was Top Gun and I despite seeing it 5679 times, I was still confused by all the plot holes. So despite being a Pop Culture expert (your words, not mine), I have not found time or energy to watch a full movie at a movie theater. How can I when there are 4 episodes of the bachelor on each week plus 2-3 different Real Housewives cites to watch per week. With that schedule, there's little time for anything else!!!

So keep checking in. There will be tons of posts tonight. Oscars 2018- LET's DO THIS!!!

Friday, September 29, 2017

Welcome Back, Barry

Embed from Getty Images After weeks and months of hiding (aka vacationing), Barry O has finally come out from under his hole to grace us with his presence, just when we needed it most. It's been a rough few months under the rule of the evil Pumpkin McTweetsalot. It's nice to see Barry's smiling mug to remind us that there was a time when we weren't governed by an incompetent white supremacist. Remember that, guys? Those were the days. He makes it all the sweeter by hanging out with my favorite ginge, Hot Prince Harry. Just throw in Oprah and Beyonce into this picture and my happy little heart would just EXPLODE!!!
Embed from Getty Images In addition to hanging out with Harry, Barry O was also hanging out with some former presidents- Billy Clinton and George Bush II. Remember when we all hated George Bush II and thought he was the WOOOORRRRSSSTTT. Boy were we wrong!! He may have been a puppet controlled by Dick Cheney, but he actually had a soul...and didn't have a Twitter account. Look at these three guys together. Can you just imagine what they talk about! But for real though...can they just have a reality show? Three ex-presidents on a road trip across the country. Bill would pick up the ladies, Barry would hang with all the hip millennials, and George II would be the weird, old uncle saying awkward things while trying to be cool. It would be a ratings hit! Make it happen, tv producers!!!

Newsflash: Hugh Hefner was an old man when he died!!

Poor Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91 on September, 27. Hugh hadn't been seen in public for a long time, because gasp...Hugh was old AF. This is a man who lived in his pajamas. I'm sure he reeked of nystatin and urine since the 1990s and I know this because all old men reek of nystatin and urine, because they are old and their bodies are decaying. The problem is that Hugh wanted everyone to believe that he was vigorous and virile and people did. He must still be youthful, why else would he have a bevy of blondes by his side? Because he enslaved paid them to be with him. It was all a facade. We should not be shocked that he was old and feeble and needing a walker to get around...because 90 year olds who spend their day in bed reading pornographic magazines in their pajamas tend to get pretty deconditioned. Sorry world, it happens to the best of us.

Enough Is Enough

UGH, the Kardashians. They keep reproducing. Last week we discussed that Kylie, the youngest Kardashian, was with child. Next, we hear that Khloe has a baby growing in her womb too...though this hasn't been confirmed, let's just assume it's true because Mama Kris was likely the one who dropped the tidbit to the gossip sites. Thirdly, not to be in anyone's shadow, Kim dropped that she and Kanye are expecting a baby via surrogate. Jesus Khrist, Kardashians, can you just please stop? It's becoming hard for me to keep up with all these Kardashians!! There are too many and they are all horrible. Can't the state of California issue a law that states "If you missuse the letter K or if you name your baby after a sleep state (I'm looking at you Rob Kardashian), you will be forced by the State of Kalifornia to be sterilized." I understand that eugenics is illegal...but this is an emergency!!

Friday, September 22, 2017

Good at lipstick, Bad at birth control


The youngest and most radically metamorphized of the Kardashian klan, Kylie Jenner is pregnant at the age of 20, thus proving that her uterus was left alone when she injected her entire body with silicone and fillers. May the odds be ever in your favor, baby Jenner...

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Carey Mulligan had a secret baby

Embed from Getty Images Carey Mulligan appears to have given Mumford another son. See what I did there? Actually, I have no idea if it was a boy or a girl, but Carey had another baby. Did you even know she was pregnant? Did you know that celebrities can have major life milestones in secret? It's rare, but possible. Carey Mulligan was last seen pregnant this summer, then she went on with her life and had a baby, and showed up to the premiere of her new movie unpregnant. So whenever you hear celebrities complaining about how they can't go anywhere without being photographed, think about Carey Mulligan...or even Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian who have all gone weeks or months without having their photos taken.

Shut Your Trap, Tom Brady

I'm probably the only human on God's great Earth who is not impressed by Tom Brady. I just can't get over that he hates strawberries. Unforgivable.

Well, Tommy Boy has "written" a "book". I use the term book loosely, because it's really a primer on how to be awesome like Tom purchasing supplements from his health care line. In his book he shares lots of really, really bogus and dangerous health tips. For instance: if you drink 2.5 gallons of water a day, like he does, you won't get a sunburn. Because apparently hydrated skin is a barrier against harmful UV rays. I'm no doctor...oh wait, YES I AM..and are you f'ing kidding me, Tom? Why are you telling people this?!?! Are you in cahoots with the drug company that makes the dacarbazine (the only FDA approved chemo to treat melanoma)? This is dangerous information to share, because people trust you. I'm not sure why people would take medical advice from an NFL quarterback, but  they will, all while spending $203948320948 on your sham supplements, which you call "stupid water drop things." YOU ARE SO DUMB!!!!! 

Well sports fans, the person with that smug grin who you call The Greatest of All Time is trying to murder you with water and sunshine. Yeah!!!!

Monday, September 18, 2017


Jennifer Lopez is this generation's Jane Fonda- she's beautiful, she's a mediocre actress at best, and she doesn't age. Her face nor her body has really changed since her P.Diddy days. She looks fresh, tight, and vigorous. Her skin is perfection, her ass is high, she is gorgeous.

Jennifer was on this month's cover of Hola! Magazine discussing her relationship with Alex Rodriguez. Of course, she's deeply in love and everything is butterflies and rainbows." Jennifer may be a mediocre actress and singer, but she excels at falling madly and deeply in love. Mark my words, ARod will be Jennifer's 4th husband.

In case you were feeling like your skin was looking glowing and youthful, here's a photo of 48 year old J.Lo sans makeup to put you in your place like the old hag that you are....

Selena's New Kidney

Selena Gomez has been battling Lupus for many years. While she has been very open about her struggle with this diagnosis, she has kept the details of the disease and its effects on her body private. Last week, Selena announced that she had a kidney transplant in the beginning of the summer and apologized to her fans for "lying low" this summer after the surgery. Damn, girl, way to keep that under the radar. It's impressive that someone so high profile can keep that under wraps. Her friend was her kidney donor, which is so sweet and smart, because now Selena is indebted to her forever. If my rich friend needed a kidney I sure as hell would rent them one of my kidneys for a monthly fee #altruism.

Here are my questions about this:
1. Did Selena Gomez ask her boyfriend, The Weekend for a kidney?
2. Did Selena need dialysis
3. What immunosuppresant is Selena on now? Why in the hell do I care?

Harper's Bazaar Hates Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of this month's Harper's Bazaar and I'm not sure what she did to piss off the magazine's editors, but man, she looks hella bad. You have to work hard to make Jennifer Aniston look like possessed dirt witch and Harper's managed to pull it off. First, her pose looks like she's picking her wedgie while holding in a fart. So awkward. Her hair is a wind blown hot mess...but not in a wind-machine-Beyonce way, but in a caught in a sand storm in the middle of the desert way. Her face looks like the makeup artist went to Sephora, bought all the bronzer in the store, and then put it all over her face. To add insult to injury, Harper's then put words like BEAUTY, CHIC, FABULOUS in all caps all over the cover to contrast the way that the cover model actually looks. Bitch move, Harpers,

Emmy Awards 2017

After a months long hiatus, I'M BACK!! I've got lots of Emmy coverage from last night's show..that I didn't watch because I was at work, but I did spend several hours ignoring my patients to scour the internet looking for pictures of Emmy Dresses. Keep scrolling through to the Older Posts to get all of my Emmy commentary.

Best Dressed

Embed from Getty Images
We might be in a fight with this one, but Zoe Kravit wins best dressed hands down. No competition. First and foremost, Zoe's face is perfection. I don't usually oooh and aaaah over bone structure, but Zoe has beautiful bone structure. Her face is one of the few that can rock a hair style as short as hers and she does it with ease. She's like a precious little bird and I want her to live in the front pocket of my overalls in a totally non creepy way. I love all the feathery fringe of her dress, i love that even the top has fringe. Most of all, I love the ROYGBIV theme of her skirt that seems to change color depending on what direction she's facing. OBSESSED! I want one to wear to work, the grocery store, to clean out my basement, to drop my kids off at school. I'll wear the f out of that dress and my 5 year old and all her friends will think I am the BOSS!!!

Worst Dressed

Embed from Getty Images Ugh, Ariel Winter. I know she's only 19, but girlfriend needs to reign it in a bit. We get it Ariel, you have a vagina. I have one too, but I keep mine tucked away where it belongs. No peekaboos. She tries so so hard to be provocative. She's cute and has a cute little body, but this dress and styling is a mess. The slits, the ill fitting top, the over injected lips, the stripper heels, it's all too much. Ariel has had some personal misfortunes and was emancipated from her mother at a young age, so a lot of her behaviors make perfect sense. However, it does not excuse this mess of a dress. I just want to adopt her and take her shopping to pick out some cute clothes that cover up her reproductive organs and then let her pay because she makes way more money that I do!

Best Ability to Age Backwards

Embed from Getty Images
Felicity Huffman is pulling some major Benjamin Button sh*t on us right now. She looks better and better every year. What's her secret? Let's hope its a steady diet of carbs, pizza, and wine. A girl can dream can't she?

Best Homage to the 1980s

Embed from Getty Images
Sarah Paulson is not scared to push the envelope. She was definitely trying to channel an androgynous 80's rockstar astronaut with this look. I'd say she was successful. It's certainly not for everyone. I sorta love the dress though wish is were a different length as it would be super sexy if it were shorter. I'm not even really that mad at those puffy shoulders. What I am a disappointed by his her hair and make up. Her dark roots and sad little pony tail. While I understand she's going for that "space chic" look, her hair and makeup just don't do it for me.

Best Emmy Best Friend

Embed from Getty Images
Vanessa Bayer looks like a person who wants to be my best friend. We could go to the Emmys together in our cute dresses and gossip about all the other celebrities. I'd pitch her ideas for SNL sketches and she'd say, "You are so funny, Beth, I'm going to ask Lorne Michaels to hire you as an SNL cast member." And then we'd go to the afterparties, get drunk, and throw up all over ourselves, because that's what true friends do. PS- I love her floral dress, super cute and fun!!!

Halfway to EGOT

Embed from Getty Images
I feel a little let down by Nicole Kidman's dress. It's pretty MEH, right? The length is weird, the color blends in with the red carpet, the cut is boring. There isn't really anything interesting about it and Nicole usually takes risks that I love on the red carpet. Nicole won Best Actress for her role in Big Little Lies. She was so so good in that role, it was such a nuanced, understated performance and it really showed how talented an actress she is. With the win, she is now halfway to the EGOT. Now she just needs an Tony and Grammy. Maybe she can win a Grammy for a duet with her mulletted husband. He definitely wins the award for worst hair in the world.
Embed from Getty Images

Best Color

Embed from Getty Images
Viola Davis has never met a bright color she didn't love and I don't think I've ever hated anything she has worn on the red carpet. She NEVER misses. I love her purse, red lips, jacked biceps, and hot hubby. Killing it!

Best and Worst Aging Faces

Embed from Getty Images
Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon hit the red carpet together at the Emmys. They star as Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in The Feud. According to IMDB, Jessica is 68 and Susan is 70. These two are a stark contrast to each other. Jessica's face looks like a melting candle with eyebrows. Susan looks like a hot 25 year old. Her face hasn't changed since Thelma and Louise. She looks amazing. Jessica is going to see these pictures and regret that botox smoothie she drank before the ceremony. Embed from Getty Images

Best Sleeves+Feathers+Sequins

Embed from Getty Images
There is a LOT going on with Tracee Ellis Ross's dress. Big sleeves, belt, sequins, feathers, weird length. I should hate it. I really should, but I can't. I can't because I love Tracee Ellis Ross so so much and she always looks like she's having so much fun. So despite the fact that on paper, this dress is a goddamn disaster, I love it and love her and will award her honorable mention for this crazy dress.

Best Old Lady

Embed from Getty Images
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Jane Fonda is made of plastic...but not low budget plastic, she's made of the same plastic that all those Little Tykes toys are made of that sit outside year after year, but never change or break down and continue to bring children joy. Jane Fonda is almost 80 and she looks so so good. She brought her A game to the Emmys this year with a new long, sleek pony and fierce bangs. And a waist, look at that waist. Should I remind you that she's almost 80?!?! She looks better than some of the girls 40 and 50 years her junior. Jane presented an award last night with Lily Tomlin and the incomparable Dolly Parton. These three old gals seem to have so much fun together. I love Dolly's sweet demeanor, but dirty mind. I want her to be my adopted me-maw.

Creepiest Plastic Surgery

Embed from Getty Images
I don't know who this guy is, but he apparently goes by the name of "Cameron Silver". I also have no idea who his date is. What I do know is that those two people have the same face and I don't think they are twins. I think they are friends who went to the plastic surgeon together and when the surgeon said "who do you want me to make you look like?" (Because, that's the first question all plastic surgeons ask at their first consultation, right?)they just pointed to each other. So the plastic surgeon was like "Hold my beer" and used an iphone app to morph their faces together and got to work. I have a feeling he was pleased with the outcome. Yup, that's totes what happened. The end.

Good Lipstick, Bad Dress

Embed from Getty Images
I'm not in love with Mandy Moore's dress. The tiered black and white make her look like a fancy skunk. She definitely makes up for the dress with her bright pop of pink lippie. Love it.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Worst Curtains

Embed from Getty Images Allison Janney's dress is the same exact pattern as my cheap-ass Ikea curtains in my dining room. Exactly. Maybe she loves Ikea. Maybe she's Swedish. Maybe this is a sign that she wants to come over for dinner. I hear you loud and clear, Allison, and I'm free on Wednesday.

Palest Emmy Winner

Embed from Getty Images
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Elisabeth Moss's favorite color is "pale skin". She matched her dress to her skin, then took it one level further and matched her shoes to her skin too. Then when it was time to do her hair and makeup she was all "nope, I'm good" and got into her limo. And that is how Elisabeth Moss got ready for the Emmys.

Best Dressed Male

Embed from Getty Images Donald Glover rocked a purple tux like it was his job. Like he is the president of the tux models at Men's Warehouse. Hail to the Chief!!!

Best California Raisin

Embed from Getty Images
Debra Messing's dress looks like a California Raisin and that's all I have to say.

Best Jewelry

Embed from Getty Images
I don't really have much to say about Emmy Rossum or her dress. I don't really think much about Emmy Rosum. In fact, I know so little about her, that I spelled her name wrong in the first sentence (keeping it to prove to you how little I care about Emmy Rosum). Her dress is ok. If someone was like "here Beth, wear this black dress" I wouldn't be mad at them, but I'd wish for something a little more fun. I love her jewelry though. The earrings are gooooorrrrggggeous. It helps that the rest of her presentation is so vanilla, because those earrings are outrageous. Did I mention that I love her earrings??

Best Green

Embed from Getty Images
I love a green dress. I don't love a low V, but I'm going to forgive for two reasons- because I love a green dress and because I appreciate Shailene's perky little 20-something boobs. I had those once, too, Shailene...them were the days. Back to the's super cute. But my real question...are tendril's coming back? Is that becoming a thing? If so, how can it be stopped. Just stay no to tendrils.


Fiercest Girl Boss

Embed from Getty Images
There are some things I love about Reese's outfit. She usually wears precious, boring ball gowns that aren't really that remarkable. I love that she broke out of her usual mold. Is that oversized, satin tuxedo jacket with matching velvet heels cute? Not really. Would it look better styled with a tight, high pony and harder makeup? Yup. Does she look like a little kid playing dress up when she is standing next to Nicole Kidman? You bet. Despite that, I appreciate the look she was going. I think she was trying to be edgy without being cutesy. She is a total girl boss and is becoming a major producer of quality tv and movies with strong female roles. The real Reese (not that we've ever met, but I did watch her arrest videos 14 or so times) is a bit more rough around the edges. I'm giving her points for trying and for thinking outside the fashion box.

Roughest face

Embed from Getty Images Heidi Klum is a beautiful lady. It needs to be said. She has a smoking hot bod, she dates a guy half her age, she's rich, she's sassy. With that said, she looked horrible tonight. Her boobs look saggy, her makeup is dull, her hair is drab and drags her face down. She looks like a sad, anemic bird. Heidi is starting to suffer from the "face vs body" syndrome. As celebrities age, their calorie deficits start to catch up to them. In order to stay thin and keep their tiny bodies, they sacrifice the fat in their face, which then ages them. I think this is starting to happen to Heidi. The only treatment is lots and lots of alcohol so that her face gets bloated. Trust me, I'm a doctor.