Monday, October 24, 2016

Mariah has a new holiday

You may not know this about Mariah Carey, but she owns Christmas. "No, No, Beth" you say, "Santa own's Christmas. Doi, everyone knows that." Oh you guys are so sweet and naive. Nope, Mariah Carey purchased the rights to Christmas in the 90s with the royalties from "All I Want For Christmas is You". Now she owns it and part of her ownership agreement allows her to perform at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting special each year and to dress like a slutty Mrs. Claus for the entire month of December. But now, it looks like Mariah needs more holidays. One is not enough for our special butterfly, so she's naturally taken over Halloween. Because #sluttycostumes. Of course she skipped right over Thanksgiving. Mimi doesn't ever want to be associated with eating food or fat turkeys. Mariah had a Halloween party this weekend- 2 weeks early so she could be the first. She dressed as her favorite Halloween character: A slutty flying devil. She's throwing some major shade at that skinny girl playing the piano. I'm sure she was thrown out shortly after this photo was taken. Mariah doesn't allow for people to be skinnier than her in her presence. Always the philanthropist, Mariah hired her ex-husband, Nick Cannon, to DJ at the party AND look after her kids. Mariah is a slutty flying devil with a heart of gold.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Girl's Halloween

When you are a mature woman, Halloween can be a bit of a downer...amiright, ladies?! You're too old and have too many stretch marks to go as a slutty girl scout or a slutty astronaut. Your paleo diet totally frowns on eating 16 pounds of sugar in one night. Going to a Halloween party probably means staying up past 9 and I turn into a pumpkin if I'm not in my jammies by 9pm...and it's not even a slutty pumpkin, it's just a big, orange, fat pumpkin with retin-A smeared all over its face to prevent wrinkles. That's why it's fun to have a quiet night with close friends, wearing low-key costumes, and getting dinner and hanging out with other mature, responsible adults. It's super important to proclaim to all of your friends that you aren't even going to drink that night, because you don't need alcohol to have a good time. Announcing it to the Gods will never, ever lead you to sit on the side of the road with your genitalia flapping in the breeze or to puke in your pizza. Take it from me...I know*.

*To my knowledge I have never sat beside the road with my genitalia flapping in the breeze. I can say this with 75% confidence.  Sorry, mom.

Friday, October 21, 2016

A Tom Cruise Filmography

I'm so conflicted about Tom Cruise. First, he's a top tier Scientologist who's ex-wife had to actually hatch an escape plan to save her and her daughter from the wicked religion. So in that regard, he gives me the chills and freaks me the hell out. On the other hand, as a celebrity he is always on top on his game. He seems professional, engaged, and polite. He strikes me as the type of guy who would sit around and chat with the crew rather than hide away in his trailer. He also seems to be a good sport about being goofy. He's done the lip sync battles with Jimmy Fallon and now has acted out his whole film career with James Cordon and he all-in. I watched Matt Damon's and Tom Hanks's Role Calls with James Cordon and while they were good, Tom Cruise's was the best. He looked like he was having fun and he was trying 100% to be good. Say what you will about Old Tommy Cruise, he always gives 100%- whether it be to his creepy cult-religion or his acting career. Also, he looks really good for 54.

The Next Angelina Jolie

Sweet lord there is so much to say, but much of it has been said already by Michael K at dlisted. CLICK HERE to link over there, you will not be disappointed. Briefly, Lindsay is now living in Turkey...or Greece...It's not clear where she lives. She has a nightclub in Greece, but talks about Turkey like it's her home. She has set out to help the Syrian refugees in Turkey by giving them free samples of her new organic health drinks. They will then be directed to their local Whole Foods to purchase more should they ever become thirsty again. You see guys, Lindsay knows ALL about religious persecution, because this one time she was walking down the street in New York and carrying the Koran and people were really mean and horrible to her. So she moved to Turkey where everyone is nice and women are free. Lindsay's borderline personality is so strong that she can even split countries- I love you Turkey, I hate you US. Trust me...she'll be back.

The above video is a paiiinnnfffulllll interview of a very self-serious Lindsay who looks and sounds like she sleeps in an ashtray. She also seems to be working her "White female playing a Middle Eastern female in a high school play" accent hard.  I made it as far as 1:59 before I stopped. A Deepak Chopra name drop does it to me every time.

Stuff that Happened This Week

1. Victoria Beckham has designed a line of clothing for Target. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I hope she sells me this gorgeous orange dress and I only have to pay $34.99 for it.

2. Jennifer Lawrence continued her sexual march through all the directors in Hollywood by, I mean dating Darren Aronfsky. You know what they say about a guy with 4 (5 if you count y) consecutive consonants in his last name? Don't marry him and take his last name because it's impossible to pronounce.

3. Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Judge Judy, and Carrie Fisher were all born today. That is quite the birthday group. 50% of whom have seen Kanye West naked.

4. Speaking of Kanye. He has the sads because his best boyfriend, Jay-Z, hasn't been nice to him lately and doesn't bring Blue Ivy over to play and didn't come visit after Kim was robbed in Paris. Sadye.

5. The World's hottest pregnant woman, Kerry Washington, announced the birth of her baby boy. The birth occurred earlier in the month, but because Kerry is a secret, undercover, ninja the world was unaware. Her son is named, Caleb, which makes her the most boring celebrity in the world in addition to the the hottest non-pregnant pregnant woman.

6. Tobey Maguire and his wife are getting divorced. Knock knock. Who's there? Who. Who Who? Who who cares about Tobey Maguire.

Who's your Daddy?

While Prince Harry was innocently doing his job of laying a wreath and looking somber (number two on the prince job description right after smiling and posing in front of things and right before making awkward small talk with rooms full of people) he was presented with a small red headed child who clearly was his. Harry immediately argued it couldn't possibly be his because no Windsor male ever had that much hair on his head. However, the child refuted this claim by speaking with a posh accent, showing off his mad polo skills, and making an inappropriate joke about Nazis. Checkmate. Harry took him by the hand, stuck him in the back seat of his Land Rover, and brought him home to meet his Granny the Queen. And they lived happily ever after.

In other Hot Harry news, he recorded a video for Heads Together, a charity he runs with Will and Kate to bring awareness about mental illness. Watch the whole thing to hear his cute little giggle at the end. Giggle + Posh accent + Ginger = too much for my heart to handle. Call me, Harry.

Battle of the Florals

Queen Letizia of Spain made a big fashion faux pas this week. She wore a dress with red flowers on it the same week that another royal person did. AAAAHHHHHHH!! Shock!! Horror!!! Sacre Bleu!!!! The Daily Mail is accusing her of copying Kate. Uhhh, last time I checked, Queen Letizia is a QUEEN. Kate is just a Duchess. She's not even really a princess officially unless you consider having your husband's name as part of your official princess title... Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. Queen Letizia is too busy being a queen and hanging out with other Queens like Queen Latifa and Queen Liliuokalani to pay attention to what Baroness Carrickfergus across the way in England is wearing. Which is lovely, by the way, though I wish it were mid shin or floor length. The current length looks weird with the shoes. Queen Letizia is always stunning and doesn't get enough credit as being a style icon like Carrickfergus.

Justin Bieber is a dink.

Above is a real photo of real human women fawning over a wax sculpture of Justin Bieber at Madame Tussard's in London. They struck this pose just after doing a dance number in front of him.
I'm sure it's pretty identical to an actual Bieber concert. A sweaty, waxy, dead eyed Justin stands there while people dance around him. He's been on his Purpose World Tour now since what seems like 2010. This was supposed to be his salvation tour, his come back. He was naughty, but now he is nice. He wasn't sorry, but now he is. Justin is clearly over it and could give two shitakes if he has any fans by the time this tour is complete (its anticipated culmination is sometime in mid 2019).  Earlier this week Justin told fans that they were "obnoxious" because they were screaming throughout the whole concert. Last night he told fans to stay as quiet as possible during a few of his ballads and then got pissed when people were yelling as he was trying to talk. JESUS, does he think he's doing a poetry reading at his local Barnes and Nobel or is he playing pop music to 13 year olds at a sold out stadium? He's really the biggest dink right? I know lots of 20 something former pop stars who would do anything to be on a 17 year world tour. Aaron Carter will happily take your place in a heartbeat, you little, whiny, baby. He needs to just quietly retire. Sorry, Friends to the North, but he's all yours and you can take him back now.

If you want to read a FABULOUS article about Bieber, Caity Weaver (who is hilarious by the way...) wrote an interesting and very observant piece about him for GQ Magazine. CLICK HERE to read.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Michelle O-Yeah-Bama

Oh Michelle O. I will miss you so!!! Can't she just stick around as First Best Girlfriend after Barry leaves the White House? Come on...pleeeeassse? I love her so much. The Prime Minister of Italy, Matteo Renzi, is visiting the United States for the final White House State Dinner of the Obama Presidency. Michelle pulled out all the stops in a sparkly Versace number in rose gold. It is a gorgeous dress and looks gorgeous on her. Love her. Will Bill wear a sexy Versace at his first White House State Dinner? Probably not, but there is a 100% chance that he will hit on a young girl wearing a Versace who is attendance.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Douche-Bag of the Year

Let's be honest. Casper Smart is the Douche Bag of the Year. There is nothing not douchey about him. His face, his hair (or lack there of it- he look douchey bald too), his clothes, his goddamn sunglasses in a press line. DOUCHE BAG!!! Let's add one more qualifier to this list...homeboy gold-digger cheated on his main piece, J.Lo...more than once!!!! Jesus!!!! He apparently cheated on her two years ago, but because she has a soft spot for homely men who treat her poorly (I'm looking at you Mark Anthony), she forgave him. After the second round of infidelities, J.Lo finally wised up and kicked his sorry ass out. God, that's so depressing for her. She is gorgeous, has an amazing body, rich, doesn't seem like a total asshole, but there has to be something wrong with her synapses, because she has the absolute worst taste in men. When Ben Affleck is your BEST ex, you may need to do some serious course correction with your choice of boyfriend.

Now that J.Lo is single again though, let's find her a new guy...
1. Back with Ben. He's a hot mess too, but they were AWESOME together.
2. Brad...I don't think she's kinky enough to follow up crazy Angie.
3. Prince Harry. He needs a cougar, she needs to be in the Royal family. Perfect. Imagine J.Lo and Kate as sisters-in-laws!!??!??
4. A rich, attractive tech guy- do they make those?
5. Jake Gyllenhall
6. Drake. Sexy. Yes.
7. Jamie Foxx, but he's maybe with Kate...
8. OMG...just thought of this...TOM CRUISE!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS. However, it will never happen bc J.Lo is best friends with Leah Rimini who Tom Cruise would rather see murdered than see in real life, so there is zero percent chance they would ever hook up.


Beyonce performed at the Tidal: Give Us Money, We Need It concert this weekend. During the show, her earring caught on her braid and ripped out. Sasha Fierce didn't even pause. She just kept right on signing. Even she seemed surprised that there was real human blood coming out of her body. When you have been practicing choreography in your living room for hours upon hours since the age of fetus while Daddy Knowles yells out 8 counts, you do not feel pain and you definitely don't stop to regroup when part of your earlobe has been traumatically severed. Keep. On. Performing!!!!

She really puts the LIE in Kylie...

Kylie Jenner has had quite a transformation in the past 5 years. She has constantly denied ever having had plastic surgery, instead claiming that her body transformation has been due to gaining weight and make up. Though she did cop to have lip injections once, she has never mentioned it again. Kylie was recently interviewed on her app and was totes honest, guys...

No butt implants: “[I haven’t had] ass implants. You know, I used to be 120 [lbs.]. I was really skinny. Now I’m pushing like 136. But it’s alright, I like the chunkiness. I don’t really think I have the fattest ass, but I know my angles.”
No breast implants: “They’re not big. I’ve thought about [getting breast implants], but I’m like, why ruin it? I have really good boobs naturally and they’re a cute little size. I’m not against it, but right now, it’s a no from me.”
No cheek or jaw reconstructive surgery. “People starting saying that [when] I was like 16. You think Kris Jenner, at 16 years old, would let me get cheek and jaw reconstructive surgery? Nah. I always used to love my jaw – I never was self-conscious about my jaw.”
No nose job. “I didn’t get a nose job. I’ve always had a cute nose. I’ve really always liked my nose.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhttt. Look Kylie, don't piss on my feet and tell me it's raining, you have a NEW FACE!! But let's break this down shall we.
1. No, she doesn't have butt implants. Butt implants are so 2001. She most definitely has fat transfer injections. This much I know is true. All the other Kardashians have had it too.
2. Bitch please, 136 pounds is not chunky. Sit down and stop demeaning every American woman who weighs more than that. Ugh, I can't with this girl.
3. I don't know about her boobs, I'm too distracted by her Bratz doll face to pay attention to her boobs.
4.  I think she's not lying about her jaw reconstruction. It looks about the same. She is lying about Kris Jenner letting her get surgery at age 16. Khloe has said that her mother was trying to get her to have a nose job while in her there's that...
5. Bullshit on the nose job. There is no way she didn't have a nose job. She must think we all walk around with crisco smeared over our eyes. Actually, since people buy her blue lipstick, that may actually be true of her fans. 

Scroll through the pics below to see the total facial I mean subtle changes of Kylie's face between 2011 and 2016.

Lohan Nightclub

Lindsay Lohan has created quite the nice life for herself in Greece. All she has to do is have sex with Greek and Russian men and they give her money. Sometimes they but off her fingers, but it's totally worth it in the end. Did I say that? Yes I did. LL's most recent venture is a part "owner" of a nightclub in Greece creatively called "Lohan Nightclub". PS- that's a horrible name. Lindsay doesn't actually own the nightclub at all. Her Greek restauranteur pal, Dennis Papageorgiou, is the owner. LL just gets part of the back end for making appearances and using her name on the sign to draw people to the club (so they can get a front row seat to view the shitstorm that is LL).  The Lohan Nightclub Facebook page has 5/5 stars by 42 reviewers (who are probably all fake profiles that Lindsay created during a coke binge).  There is no better place for a person with drug and alcohol abuse issues to work than a nightclub- great choice, Lindsay!!

Here is a video of Lindsay using all of her public relations skills to address the crowd of people who actually paid money to be in her club on the opening night. Stay classy, Lindsay.

Nifty Fifty

Girl, it's time to take that Luke Perry poster down, because you officially have the face of a 50 year old on your bedroom wall. I'm talking to you Karyn Agosto (aka my sister).  Yes, Dylan McKay has officially turned fifty and you have officially turned old. I bet he doesn't look so cool driving around in his Porsche wearing his baja shirt on his way to his favorite surf spot. I can see why Brenda loved him so much, he did have a gorgeous face...he's still handsome now. But man, if you watch old 90210 episodes you realize that he was so PUNY. Why did everyone think he was such a scary, tough guy? He barely weight a buck fifteen?!

Sadly, if Dylan is 50, it means that AHHHndrea Zuckerman must be filling out her paperwork for medicare at this very moment. Girlfriend was pushing 30 while she working the beat for the West Beverly Blaze. (Actually per a quick google search, she is pretty close).

Big Little Lies

Have you read "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty? If not, you should. It's one of my favorites of Moriarty's. The book takes place in an upper middle class seaside community in Australia. The story focuses on three friends who all have children in Kindergarten together. The story spans the course of the school year. In the beginning you find out that that someone that they all know has died at a school fundraiser at the end of the year. The killer was at the fundraiser. The characters all know who died and some know who did it, but it isn't revealed to the readers. The story then moves to the beginning of the school year with different narrators each chapter. It's a really easy, fun read. All of her books are great, actually. Moriarty develops her characters well and they are very relatable and realistic. HBO has developed a limited series based on the book that is coming out in 2017. This appears to take place in Southern California with the main characters being played by Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, and Shailene Woodley. It looks like it's going to be goooooood!! I can't wait to binge!
PS- Sadly, I've read rumors on the interweb today that there may be trouble in Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's marriage. NOOO! There are some marriages that I couldn't care less if they dissolved (Johnny Depp/Amber Heard), others that I wasn't suprised about (Angie/Brad), and others that super bum me out. They seem like a lovely, low key couple and I'd be bummed out if they broke up. The rumor seems to be based on the fact that they haven't been seen together since August and the two apparently have a rule that they can only be apart for 5 days at a time. It's pretty week evidence, so we shall see.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Jonas V-Card

This is Joe Jonas. He felt the need to talk about losing his virginity on Reddit. As you know, the Jonas brothers were all about holding onto their V-cards really tight when they were youngsters just starting out in the biz. We all know how declaring abstinence until marriage goes, just ask Britney Spears (cough...not well...cough). Joe told a story that he trashed his roommate's room looking for a condom when he was 20 and ready to finally participate in sexay times. Here's the story...

 I lost my virginity to this girl named Ashley. You can probably just Google it. It's pretty easy to figure out. I dated a girl named Ashley, so just Google it to figure out which Ashley that is. It's quite the great story because I didn't have any condoms, so I went to our drummer, Jack's room, who was my roommate at the time and I demolished his room looking for them. Found them underneath his underwear drawer. When he came home, he thought somebody broke into his room because his whole room was demolished because I was in dire need. Needed to happen then and now. Safety first, kids.

Snore. What a boring story, right?  It's like he took it right out of an episode of 90210 the College Years. Picture David trashing Steve's room to find a condom when it was finally time to de-virginize Donna. Steve calls the cops and hijinks ensue. The most amazing part of this whole story is that a man who has faithfully worn tight jeans for years and years can still get an erection. I'd figure that his ejection mechanism would have been squeezed to death by all that restrictive denim. And if you are wondering who Ashley's Ashley Greene, of Twilight fame, who will now forever be known as the woman who holds Joe Jonas's V-card. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Kate Middleton went to Netherlands today for her first ever solo foreign trip. There have been rumors that Kate is being used as a diplomat by England to broker allegiances in post-Brexit Europe. Sure, ok. And my hair color is real and my license weight is exactly accurate. Anyhoo- Kate must have read the book "Everyone in Amsterdam Dresses Like Flight Attendants from the 1960s" (it's a best seller in Europe) before her trip and wanted to fit in. Well, Kate, I must say you NAILED IT!! This outfit is perfect and I hope you also have a Mad Men party to attend after work, because you will be ready for that too.


Gwynnie is on this month's cover of Harper's Bazaar and inside shows off her AMAZING abs. Holy balls, look at that body. Look at it, damn it!! This is what eating macrobiotic air and exercising with the creepy little fraggle, Tracy Anderson for at a minimum of 2 hours a day will get you. See, it's easy.

Gwynnie was interviewed in her Bazaar profile by Samantha Bee. Yes, the Samantha Bee formally of the Daily Show and now on her own show Full Frontal with Samantha Bee. Have you seen her show yet? You should. It is the feminist's Daily Show and it's fantastic. Her coverage of the presidential campaign has been spot on and her delivery is hilarious. Here's a clip from her most recent show about the 2nd Debate...also known as "watching your parents, who hate each others guts, go though a divorce".

Stuff I'm Liking- October

I like stuff. Each month I will compile a list of the stuff I currently like. Ok...go...

1. My house cleaner!!! Holy crap, it's taken me years to take a sip of this kool-aid. And now that it's touched my lips, I want to drink a whole gallon, take it out to dinner, make sweet love to it, and get it pregnant. As you can see from the photo, my house is a lot of house to upkeep and pretty drafty in the winter. I came home today to a house cleaner than anything I have ever been able to accomplish.  My bedroom floor is singing a joyful tune because it was mopped for the first time ever.

2. Lipstick. I love lipstick. I can't stop buying it. Here are my two favorite shades for October:
Maybelline Unlimited Raisin. Long lasting, sort of drying but not too bad. It is a liquid lipstick so does feel dry, but it didn't get cracked and didn't bleed onto my face. Plus it lasted all day at work- from 6:30 when I put it on to almost 6pm when I got home. There was some fade on the inside of my lips, but not too noticeable. I didn't reapply once. I drank coffee and water and ate breakfast and lunch without any bleed or reapplication. I would have made out with my cleaning lady, but she was long gone when I got home, but I'm assuming that it's also kiss proof!!

Urban Decay Sheer lipsticks were half of a few months ago on Hautelook and I snagged one- Sheer Rapture. Turns out they are discontinuing their former lines of lipstick for an all new line. Bummer, because this stuff is awesome. It's light, creamy, and perfectly pigmented. I think it would look good on anyone and is just the right amount of pink to flatter, but still be neutral. If you can find this on sale anywhere, I'd recommend that you scoop it up, because it's the perfect casual lipstick.

3. Loft. I ignored the Loft for years. I actually forgot about it's existence. But I've been led back and am so happy we are reunited. First of all, if you have a booty or curves, you need to look there first for your pants. Every pair of pants I've purchased has fit my curvy bod perfectly. Secondly, they have the BEST sales. Sometimes you can get 60% off sale prices and they cycle through collections frequently enough that you can get really cute, quality stuff in the sale section.
Thirdly- their prints right now are off the chart. I mean- this bird shirt!?!? I can't wait to get it on sale (I rarely buy things full price).

4. Mums and pumpkins- I want to decorate my whole house with mums and pumpkins. I want to dress my kids in mums and pumpkins. I want to eat mums and pumpkins. I love fall.

5. Speaking of fall and pumpkins and eating, I can guarantee that I have the easiest pumpkin recipe. It has 3 ingredients. Here's the recipe: take pumpkin puree
and add it to spice cake mix. Stir. Add mini chocolate chips.
Stir. Use two spoons to make scoops on a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or so. Eat. So easy and good. They are really cakey and moist. Plus they take about 5 minutes to mix up. I always stock up on both spice cake and pumpkin in the fall so I can whip these up whenever I want. Make them!!!!!!