Friday, September 29, 2017
Friday, September 22, 2017
The youngest and most radically metamorphized of the Kardashian klan, Kylie Jenner is pregnant at the age of 20, thus proving that her uterus was left alone when she injected her entire body with silicone and fillers. May the odds be ever in your favor, baby Jenner...
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Well, Tommy Boy has "written" a "book". I use the term book loosely, because it's really a primer on how to be awesome like Tom Brady...by purchasing supplements from his health care line. In his book he shares lots of really, really bogus and dangerous health tips. For instance: if you drink 2.5 gallons of water a day, like he does, you won't get a sunburn. Because apparently hydrated skin is a barrier against harmful UV rays. I'm no doctor...oh wait, YES I AM..and are you f'ing kidding me, Tom? Why are you telling people this?!?! Are you in cahoots with the drug company that makes the dacarbazine (the only FDA approved chemo to treat melanoma)? This is dangerous information to share, because people trust you. I'm not sure why people would take medical advice from an NFL quarterback, but they will, all while spending $203948320948 on your sham supplements, which you call "stupid water drop things." YOU ARE SO DUMB!!!!!
Well sports fans, the person with that smug grin who you call The Greatest of All Time is trying to murder you with water and sunshine. Yeah!!!!
Monday, September 18, 2017
Jennifer was on this month's cover of Hola! Magazine discussing her relationship with Alex Rodriguez. Of course, she's deeply in love and everything is butterflies and rainbows." Jennifer may be a mediocre actress and singer, but she excels at falling madly and deeply in love. Mark my words, ARod will be Jennifer's 4th husband.
In case you were feeling like your skin was looking glowing and youthful, here's a photo of 48 year old J.Lo sans makeup to put you in your place like the old hag that you are....
Selena Gomez has been battling Lupus for many years. While she has been very open about her struggle with this diagnosis, she has kept the details of the disease and its effects on her body private. Last week, Selena announced that she had a kidney transplant in the beginning of the summer and apologized to her fans for "lying low" this summer after the surgery. Damn, girl, way to keep that under the radar. It's impressive that someone so high profile can keep that under wraps. Her friend was her kidney donor, which is so sweet and smart, because now Selena is indebted to her forever. If my rich friend needed a kidney I sure as hell would rent them one of my kidneys for a monthly fee #altruism.
Here are my questions about this:
1. Did Selena Gomez ask her boyfriend, The Weekend for a kidney?
2. Did Selena need dialysis
3. What immunosuppresant is Selena on now? Why in the hell do I care?
Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of this month's Harper's Bazaar and I'm not sure what she did to piss off the magazine's editors, but man, she looks hella bad. You have to work hard to make Jennifer Aniston look like possessed dirt witch and Harper's managed to pull it off. First, her pose looks like she's picking her wedgie while holding in a fart. So awkward. Her hair is a wind blown hot mess...but not in a wind-machine-Beyonce way, but in a caught in a sand storm in the middle of the desert way. Her face looks like the makeup artist went to Sephora, bought all the bronzer in the store, and then put it all over her face. To add insult to injury, Harper's then put words like BEAUTY, CHIC, FABULOUS in all caps all over the cover to contrast the way that the cover model actually looks. Bitch move, Harpers,
After a months long hiatus, I'M BACK!! I've got lots of Emmy coverage from last night's show..that I didn't watch because I was at work, but I did spend several hours ignoring my patients to scour the internet looking for pictures of Emmy Dresses. Keep scrolling through to the Older Posts to get all of my Emmy commentary.
We might be in a fight with this one, but Zoe Kravit wins best dressed hands down. No competition. First and foremost, Zoe's face is perfection. I don't usually oooh and aaaah over bone structure, but Zoe has beautiful bone structure. Her face is one of the few that can rock a hair style as short as hers and she does it with ease. She's like a precious little bird and I want her to live in the front pocket of my overalls in a totally non creepy way. I love all the feathery fringe of her dress, i love that even the top has fringe. Most of all, I love the ROYGBIV theme of her skirt that seems to change color depending on what direction she's facing. OBSESSED! I want one to wear to work, the grocery store, to clean out my basement, to drop my kids off at school. I'll wear the f out of that dress and my 5 year old and all her friends will think I am the BOSS!!!
Sarah Paulson is not scared to push the envelope. She was definitely trying to channel an androgynous 80's rockstar astronaut with this look. I'd say she was successful. It's certainly not for everyone. I sorta love the dress though wish is were a different length as it would be super sexy if it were shorter. I'm not even really that mad at those puffy shoulders. What I am a disappointed by his her hair and make up. Her dark roots and sad little pony tail. While I understand she's going for that "space chic" look, her hair and makeup just don't do it for me.
Vanessa Bayer looks like a person who wants to be my best friend. We could go to the Emmys together in our cute dresses and gossip about all the other celebrities. I'd pitch her ideas for SNL sketches and she'd say, "You are so funny, Beth, I'm going to ask Lorne Michaels to hire you as an SNL cast member." And then we'd go to the afterparties, get drunk, and throw up all over ourselves, because that's what true friends do. PS- I love her floral dress, super cute and fun!!!
I feel a little let down by Nicole Kidman's dress. It's pretty MEH, right? The length is weird, the color blends in with the red carpet, the cut is boring. There isn't really anything interesting about it and Nicole usually takes risks that I love on the red carpet. Nicole won Best Actress for her role in Big Little Lies. She was so so good in that role, it was such a nuanced, understated performance and it really showed how talented an actress she is. With the win, she is now halfway to the EGOT. Now she just needs an Tony and Grammy. Maybe she can win a Grammy for a duet with her mulletted husband. He definitely wins the award for worst hair in the world.
Embed from Getty Images
Embed from Getty Images
There is a LOT going on with Tracee Ellis Ross's dress. Big sleeves, belt, sequins, feathers, weird length. I should hate it. I really should, but I can't. I can't because I love Tracee Ellis Ross so so much and she always looks like she's having so much fun. So despite the fact that on paper, this dress is a goddamn disaster, I love it and love her and will award her honorable mention for this crazy dress.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Jane Fonda is made of plastic...but not low budget plastic, she's made of the same plastic that all those Little Tykes toys are made of that sit outside year after year, but never change or break down and continue to bring children joy. Jane Fonda is almost 80 and she looks so so good. She brought her A game to the Emmys this year with a new long, sleek pony and fierce bangs. And a waist, look at that waist. Should I remind you that she's almost 80?!?! She looks better than some of the girls 40 and 50 years her junior. Jane presented an award last night with Lily Tomlin and the incomparable Dolly Parton. These three old gals seem to have so much fun together. I love Dolly's sweet demeanor, but dirty mind. I want her to be my adopted me-maw.
I don't know who this guy is, but he apparently goes by the name of "Cameron Silver". I also have no idea who his date is. What I do know is that those two people have the same face and I don't think they are twins. I think they are friends who went to the plastic surgeon together and when the surgeon said "who do you want me to make you look like?" (Because, that's the first question all plastic surgeons ask at their first consultation, right?)they just pointed to each other. So the plastic surgeon was like "Hold my beer" and used an iphone app to morph their faces together and got to work. I have a feeling he was pleased with the outcome. Yup, that's totes what happened. The end.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Elisabeth Moss's favorite color is "pale skin". She matched her dress to her skin, then took it one level further and matched her shoes to her skin too. Then when it was time to do her hair and makeup she was all "nope, I'm good" and got into her limo. And that is how Elisabeth Moss got ready for the Emmys.
I don't really have much to say about Emmy Rossum or her dress. I don't really think much about Emmy Rosum. In fact, I know so little about her, that I spelled her name wrong in the first sentence (keeping it to prove to you how little I care about Emmy Rosum). Her dress is ok. If someone was like "here Beth, wear this black dress" I wouldn't be mad at them, but I'd wish for something a little more fun. I love her jewelry though. The earrings are gooooorrrrggggeous. It helps that the rest of her presentation is so vanilla, because those earrings are outrageous. Did I mention that I love her earrings??
I love a green dress. I don't love a low V, but I'm going to forgive for two reasons- because I love a green dress and because I appreciate Shailene's perky little 20-something boobs. I had those once, too, Shailene...them were the days. Back to the dress...it's super cute. But my real question...are tendril's coming back? Is that becoming a thing? If so, how can it be stopped. Just stay no to tendrils.
|NOOOOO TENDRILS....GO BACK TO THE 90's!!!!|
There are some things I love about Reese's outfit. She usually wears precious, boring ball gowns that aren't really that remarkable. I love that she broke out of her usual mold. Is that oversized, satin tuxedo jacket with matching velvet heels cute? Not really. Would it look better styled with a tight, high pony and harder makeup? Yup. Does she look like a little kid playing dress up when she is standing next to Nicole Kidman? You bet. Despite that, I appreciate the look she was going. I think she was trying to be edgy without being cutesy. She is a total girl boss and is becoming a major producer of quality tv and movies with strong female roles. The real Reese (not that we've ever met, but I did watch her arrest videos 14 or so times) is a bit more rough around the edges. I'm giving her points for trying and for thinking outside the fashion box.
Embed from Getty Images Heidi Klum is a beautiful lady. It needs to be said. She has a smoking hot bod, she dates a guy half her age, she's rich, she's sassy. With that said, she looked horrible tonight. Her boobs look saggy, her makeup is dull, her hair is drab and drags her face down. She looks like a sad, anemic bird. Heidi is starting to suffer from the "face vs body" syndrome. As celebrities age, their calorie deficits start to catch up to them. In order to stay thin and keep their tiny bodies, they sacrifice the fat in their face, which then ages them. I think this is starting to happen to Heidi. The only treatment is lots and lots of alcohol so that her face gets bloated. Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Prince William took his large, balding dad bod and his best dad sweater out to the club in Verbier, Switzerland and he showed us all his moves. And by "all" I mean his two moves of putting his arms up in the air like just don't care and then pointing to all of his subjects. Big Willie was in Switzerland skiing and having a grand old time while the rest of his family worked and his wife took care of his kids. Wow, you guys, being a prince who doesn't really work yet is still filthy rich and privileged is sooooo hard.
Monday, February 27, 2017
I love best girl friends. Busy Phillips and Michelle Williams epitomize besties. They've been friends since they met on the set of Dawson's Creek and Busy is always Michelle's plus-one to awards ceremonies. Michelle seems very shy and pensive. I'm sure she's been accused of being a bitch more than once only because of her quiet, introverted nature. Busy on the other hand is bubbly and outgoing. I follow her on Instagram and she is hilarious and very down to Earth. Based on Busy's Insta-stories, she seems to bring out the silly in Michelle. They are really cute together and I bet having your bestie with you at a long, boring awards ceremony makes it much more tolerable! I love, love, love Busy's dress. Until I found pictures for this post, I thought it was black and wasn't that excited about it, but holy crap, it's green. I love a green dress. LOVE. I love this one and would put it right up there in my top 3 dresses of the night. I'm not that in love with Michelle's- it's pretty boring and safe. I'd love to see her in more color. Imagine her in a deep purple and berry lip. Yes!
If you follow any one celebrity on Instagram, it should be her. Her instastories are phenomenal.
Giuliana Ranic looked awful last night. She's hit or miss on the red capet, but lately she's been more miss than hit. Her dress last night was the worst I've seen in a long time. There is so much wrong with it. The color is horrible with her hair and skin tone. The dress has cut outs, but they are lined with that horrible, nude pantyhose material that ice skaters use. It's bunching and looks awful. Finally, the dress does not fit her properly, it's too big. There appears to be extra material around her waist. Just not good all around. Her makeup and hair looked really bad. The nude lip with that dress is not good- too pale and anemic. I like Giuliana, she seems like a lovely, fun person, but this look is not lovely or fun, it's just sad.
Taraji P Henson, that girl can POSE! Look at her working the red carpet, she's fierce. She's my favorite at awards shows because she is a shameless super poser and it's fabulous. I love the pic with hand on her shoulder. She is giving all of her accessories their moment in the spotlight. Love her. I love this classic, dark blue velvet dress on her. I bet it was really pretty in person, because the blue only shows in certain lights in photos. In my opinion, there wasn't enough colorful on the red carpet. I'm glad she brought some sass to the party! Hidden Figures was the only non-animated movie I saw that was nominated. It was brilliant and she was so great in it...all the actresses were, hell even Kevin Costner was great! I can't recommend it enough.
Mel Gibson brought his baby mama out on the town last night. I'm wondering how many times she was mistaken for his daughter? I bet every time she was he said "Does a father do this?!?!?!" And then deep throat kissed her, because he's an old, disgusting dirt bag and that's what ODDB's do.
Have you ever heard of the charity "Hobos for Humanity"? Every year they go down to the train tracks and find a Hobo. They then take this hobo to a hotel, clean him up a bit, put him in a tux and bring him to the Oscars. This year they even let the hobo hold an Oscar. This is a great organazization, doing great work.
Emma Stone was a shoe-in to win the Oscar. Prego Natalie Portman just gave up and didn't even bother attending the ceremony (or she had a baby and couldn't come, but that's a lame excuse because everyone LOVES a newborn at an awards ceremony). She dressed the part in a gold gown. She looks gorgeous. Her makeup and hair are so glamorous and very old Hollywood. Her lip color is perfection. I like the movement of the dress and the fit makes her look curvy. While this dress didn't blow my mind and it's a little safe, I do still think she looks so, so beautiful!! I love Emma Stone!
We are going to be in a fight, because I'm sure Janelle Monae is on a lot of worst dress lists, but I'm gonna go ahead and make her my best dressed. Why? Because Janelle shows up. She always goes all out on her red carpet looks- head to toe. This dress is exquisite. It's so unique. The beading is amazing- look there are birds all over. I love a bird on a dress. I'm all in on this dress 100% and the more I look at it, the more I love it. She looks like a modern day Marie Antoinette and she knows it. She's wearing a little crown just to let us know that she's royalty. All Hail Queen Janelle!!!!
What in the living hell is this? I don't understand Dakota Johnson. I don't understand how she is a famous actress or how she is in a sexy movie having all the crazy sexy times. She seems like she barely has a pulse. She looks like she chronically needs a blood transfusion. She is so bland and monotone. This whole ensemble just pushes me over the edge in my WTF with Dakota Johnson. That dress is hideous. Her hair looks like she used mayonnaise as a hair treatment and didn't wash it out entirely and then just pulled it out of her face with a clip. Her face looks like she was just bitten by a vampire and then immediately given a tranquilizer. Who did this to her? I want names!!
I love Viola Davis in everything. She loves color and I love her in all the colors. She can really wear anything and never seems to play it too safe. Red can be tricky with the red carpet and this dress did blend a bit with the carpet and background. Off the carpet, though, it's spectacularly simple. I love the shoulders and neckline and it fits her perfectly. Her hair and makeup are gorgeous. She's also one of my best dressed of the night!!
Love her after party look with the gold kicks and white suit. She's perfection!!!
Really Kelly Ripa? Really? You are a famous person with access to any designer, you are a perfect sample size, you can wear anything and this is what you choose? This? A goddamn dress adorned with butterflies? Well, it's awful and you should be ashamed of yourself. At least you were smart enough to remove that monstrosity for the after parties so that you could maintain some level of credibility amongst your peers. Those pants fit like a glove.
You guys, I'm going to make a lot of enemies here. I need to tell the universe that I don't like Justin Timberlake. He's a good performer, but beyond that, he's just so painful. He's all about Justin Timberlake. Remember that time he was on the cover of people for his wedding pictures and it was him jumping in the air seeming to Karate kick his new bride who was hovering in the corner? Well I do. He's smug and annoying. Ok, I've gotten that off my chest.
On to Biel. Jessica is gorgeous. Her face is exquisite. Her body is banging. Her Bangs are not banging. They hid her beauty and make her look tired and worn. When her hair is off her face she looks so much better. She needs a shoulder length, choppy/wavy lob without bangs. That's my wish for Jessica Biel. Fortunately, her hairdresser was able to slick her bangs out of her face and glue them down on the side of her head. For anyone who has ever had bangs, this is no easy feat, so I commend the hair wizard for making this work. I'm 100% in love with her dress and I'd say it is one of my favorite of the night. It's unique, fits her perfectly, and I love the neckline.
And look at the fun, capey number she wore to the after parties. LOVE IT!!!! I want just one of her abs. Just one. Is that too much to ask?