Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I love this.

Duggars Getting Married

L-R Jinger, Jessa, Jill, and Jana. I didn't have to look their names up, sadly, I know which is which.
Can I confess something? I have a Duggar problem. Well, I've always had a Duggar problem, but recently it's gotten worse. How can you not be obsessed with that family? They are so creepy and well behaved and loveable. Now that the Duggar children are getting older, it's becoming much more interesting...especially with the older girls coming of age. This is where my obsession has gotten stronger. I think a lot of it has to do with the long, cascading curls. Those curls are mesmerizing.

So if you aren't familiar with the Duggars then you are either 1. The devil or 2. not insane. Let me catch you up. The Duggars are a super religious family from Arkansas who don't believe in birth control and as a result have 19 kids. All the kids have been home schooled. The older boys who have "graduated" have gone on to have somewhat normal, entrepreneurial jobs. Most of them work with or for their dad, Jim Bob, who has 10349831209 side jobs which keep the family debt free (for example, a cell phone tower which rents property from them). As a general rule, the boys get big round faces and crazy eyes as they age. The girls, on the other hand, seem to get prettier as time passes. As the 4 oldest girls have "come of age" they haven't been presented with as many options. The two oldest, Jana and Jill are both midwives...what better way to learn the ropes of their future of child rearing than to help birth a few babies. Jill, the oldest and still uncourted daughter, is also a volunteer firefighter. I just Googled "what does Jessa Duggar do for a living" and Google came up empty. I think she just practices her smile and curls her hair while dreaming of losing her virginity. Jinger, the youngest of the 4 has the worst name (she's the fourth daughter, there were LOTS of J names still available for her and Michelle and Jim Bob picked, Jinger! Come on!!). I don't know what she does for a living, but I did learn that since Jessa is getting married, Jinger is now in charge of packing up the bus for family trips...ie, getting EVERYONE's clothes together and she also makes bread.

So the new obsession for the Duggars comes from spending an entire afternoon whilst Jeff and E were away watching the courtship of Jill Duggar and Derick Dillard. It was fascinating. The two were talking via interweb because he was on a mission trip in Nepal. They met because Derick randomly asked Jim Bob to be his "prayer partner" and then Jim Bob thought that he'd be a good match for Jill. How fishy is that? I'm not sure I believe that story for a second, but anyway...Jill and Jim Bob flew all the way to Nepal so that she could meet Derick, because, sure, why not? They were only allowed to side hug, but it was pretty obvious that they wanted to dry hump and then some. So Derick asks Jill to 'court', which means NOTHING to me. I think it means 'go steady' but it seems as though it really means that they are pre-engaged. They courted for approximately 12 minutes and then they got engaged. Once they were engaged they were able to hold hands and these two pretty much had hand sex as much as possible. It was some very tactile hand holding. Jill and Derick had to have a chaperone at all times while courting and engaged to keep them honest. Jill has since stated that they purposefully had a short engagement because she didn't think she'd be able to remain pure (ie, not kissing and front hugging) before her wedding if she waited any longer. Now she's knocked up 14 minutes after losing her virginity.

Jessa the third oldest is also engaged. She seems like she cares the less about being a Duggar. She admits to sucking at cooking, she seems more into taking selfies (cause I follow her on Instagram...obsessed much?), and I bet she'd be easy to convince to have "just one shot" at a party. In my opinion, Jessa is the prettiest of them all and looks a lot like my friend, Erin Lester (Erin, you're famous!!).  Jessa is engaged to Ben Seewald, who is a big stick in the mud. He has the personality of a cardboard box. At first, Jessa, doesn't really seem all that into him and rolls her eyes a lot. Ben lives a few hours away and how can your court when you aren't allowed to ever leave your parent's property alone?! You can't...so Jim Bob moves Ben into the guest house (which looks like a loft in a big storage building). Ben and Jessa then court formally with chaperones. They are finally engaged so they can hold hands and have hand sex too. I haven't caught up for a few weeks so maybe they've gotten engaged already on the show...I'm gonna go fold laundry and pretend that I'm a suppressed Duggar daughter while watching 19 Kids and Counting now!!

And just in case you were wondering...here's how the Duggars get their luscious curls....

Bey-by Number Two?

Beyonce and Jay-Z are playing us. They keep changing the lyrics to their songs and we believe that these new lyrics are autobiographical and the truth, which then sends the planet into a tizzy, which then ends up turning into free publicity for the Beyonce/Carter concert and HBO special (coming this Saturday). Earlier this summer, Beyonce made us think that Jay was cheating on her and then NY Post had sources who were 100% positive that Bey and Jay were divorcing...but they never did. Instead they went on vacations and gave each other MTV awards and put up a united front. Now, Jay changed his lyrics to make up believe that Bey is with child! What?!? But you two are supposed to be getting a divorce? Beyonce told us this summer...is this a make-up baby? Now Beyonce (with her cute bob) is walking around holding her abdomen, which only means one thing...there's a fetus in there!!! Now we can't do anything BUT watch and pay attention to Beyonce for the next few months to see if her womb grows. Play on players.

Miss America is Dragging the Bottom of the Barrel

Miss New York was crowned the new Miss America over the weekend. Yes, this pageant still exists. Nothing against Miss New York, she's probably a fine girl with a decent personality, but she sat on the floor doing the "cups" performance with a plastic red cup to Pharrel's "Happy" as her talent. Remember when Miss America used to play the cello or sing opera? Not anymore. Now she sits on the floor and keeps the beat with a keg cup. Next year they should just all play flip cup and whichever team wins makes the Top 10 and then the Top 10 has to play Beer Pong to determine the winner. That'd be much more entertaining. We'd probably learn a hell of a lot more about these girls than we currently do by watching them parade in bikinis and listening to them vapidly answer questions about topics they know nothing about. Watch the video below for her rousing performance..and also to see the awkward, Duggar-style courting hug the final 2 are doing when New York is announced the winner. I've never stood like that with another human in my life. Ever.

Stuff That Happened This Week

1. Lindsay Lohan mixed lace and sequins together...and if that jacket belongs to her, she also wore white after labor day. Lindsay also claimed to have "rolled Whitney Houston's body bag" while serving probation at the LA County Morgue. What does that even mean? She's full of shite. The LA Coroner's Office was asked about what the hell LL was talking about and they rebuked that Whitney wasn't even in a body bag, that she was wrapped in plastic and a white sheet. Oh snap, LL, I think you just got served by the LA Coroner's Office...again.

2. Hugh Grant makes up for his limited acting ability with powerful sperm. Hugh hasn't had much going on in terms of an acting career. So in his spare time, Hugh has been have lots of sexual intercourse with women of childbearing age. Said women have produced viable offspring. Hugh Grant, bastard maker.

3. Paris Hilton still has a lot of money. Paris Hilton, remember her from the late 90's/early 00's? Remember all of her dogs. Well, they must keep getting lost or eating each other, because she keeps buying more. She just bought a $13,000 dog. I just grew to hate her a little bit more.

4. Kate of Cambridge is hiring help. When HRH Kate Middleton Windsor Cambridge had her first royal offspring she wanted to be princess of the people and as all laypeople, she held off on having any extra help...other than her mother, husband who doesn't work much, and a part-time nanny/baby nurse. This time around, Kate has decided that being a layperson sucks balls and makes you tired and bitter and haggard. Since she has lots of money Kate has wised up and hired herself some full time, around-the-clock help so that she can be a proper princess and not personally lift a finger to actually raise her children and she can get some much needed rest. Or maybe this will give her more time to do some actual work...haha, let's not hold our breath.

Ryan Gosling is Somebody's Father

Eva Mendes, to be forever known henceforth as Ryan Gosling's Baby Mama, had a baby. She's pictured here last March hiding her gravid uterus from the world with that little purse. I used my fancy doctor app to see when her last menstrual period was based on her due date of approximately this past weekend (the baby may have been born this past Friday). Eva would have been approximately 3 months along in this photo. We haven't seen many or really any photos of her this whole summer. There were reports a few months ago that correctly said that she was 7 months along. One photo surfaced of her walking out of a building, but she had a huge shopping bag or jacket or pillow or giant stuffed animal (I don't remember what it was) in front of her abdomen so nothing could be officially confirmed. What I'm saying is that this girl is STEALTH. There are so many celebrities that claim that they are stalked and hounded by paparazzi, yet the woman walking around with the best piece of evidence you can have that you are having sexy times with Hottie McHotterton Gosling's has essentially zero photos of public documentation. Bravo, Eva Mendes- for having sexay times with Ryan Gosling and for being a covert operative for the entire summer.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Keep it Classy, Wasilla

God, I love the Palins. Just when you think they've gone away forever, they go to a party and get into a drunken brawl with everyone there and remind us that this crazy lady and her brood could have been 2nd in line to run our country. Shivers....

So here's what happened. The Palin Family went to an innocent birthday party in Anchorage for a family friend. Everything was fine and dandy until they rolled in in their stretch Hummer (yes, you read that correctly). Track "Dumbest Name Ever" Palin immediately started a fight with Willow's ex-boyfriend, cause why the hell not? When the ex-boyfriend's father tried to break it up, the non-responsible parent, Todd Palin, choked him. Then Todd got a well deserved bloody nose. Of course, throughout the whole thing, Sarah yelled profanities intermixed with the cliched, "Do you know who we are?!?!" It's not done yet though....after everything calmed down a bit, Bristol and Willow Palin tried to start things up again with the ex-boyfriend's mother. Jeez, girls, let it rest. When the host of the party had decided he'd had enough of the Palins for one night and asked the girls to leave the party (via their stretch Hummer), Bristol did what any nice well-bred girl would do...she punched him in the face...several times. Then Sarah started screeching profanities again and then they all left...not before Track stood shirtless on the front lawn flipping everyone the bird (which I'm sure was an Eagle, cause the Palins love America).

I guess this means that Sarah Palin is likely not running for President.

Braless Wonder

So Britney Spears is selling lingerie now. There she is showing off all her new stuff. But riddle me this- why would you buy underwear from someone who doesn't wear it, herself. Look, she couldn't be bothered to even put on a bra on the day that she presented her new line. Her bras are clearly so uncomfortable and ill-fitting that Britney prefers saggy boobs than wearing them. Good sales pitch. Brit.

Monday, September 8, 2014

The Spare in There

Damn you, Kate Middleton, damn you straight to hell. I was enjoying my extended sabbatical away from blogging and wondering if I had it in me to jump back on the proverbial horse since I am also with child (stop trying to hog the spotlight, Duchess). Then Kate has to come along and have sexay times while ovulating, thus forcing my hand to the computer to obsess for the next 28+ weeks.

Ok, so, yes, I'm back. Guess who else is back? MRS. PUKES!!! That's right, good old Mrs. Pukes, Kate's faithfully tenacious friend during her first trimester is back again and wrecking havoc on Kennsington Palace. Prince William has some toxic semen, for reals. Do you really think that Kate has "hyperemesis gravidum" again or is she just sorta a wuss? I'm favoring that she's a wuss. This is a girl who NEVER works- smiling for pictures and waving once every 2-3 months does not count as work, people, don't try to convince me otherwise. I don't see her with much resolve to suck it up and bitchily deal with her all day hangover like the rest of us do. I mean, come on, do you know how bad hospitalized peoples' breath smells? Try enduring it when you are 8 weeks pregnant. I have and I survived. Just like Beyonce survived rehearsing for her televised London concert during her first trimester. Kate doesn't have it in her and, as a result, had to prematurely announce to the world she was pregnant (again), because she was unable to smile and wave with Prince William at some official function today. Kate is also scheduled to do a short tour of Malta later this month, which she will now undoubtedly cancel. Queen Elizabeth must be so annoyed since she had a baby and was back to work before her kid's umbilical cord even fell off. It's a good thing that she's fertile, cause that's really all that Kate has going for her at this point.

Fantasy Football

Football is kind of a lame sport because all the guys' faces and muscles are covered in masks and pads. Unlike rugby, where those studs parade around in short shorts and tight shirts and no helmets and give us ladies the opportunity to properly gawk at their athleticism (truth be told, most rugby players have messed up faces from not wearing a helmet, so maybe they should invest).

This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm a Fantasy Football fanatic. I play in a league with my siblings and their spouses and it's super fun. Last year I picked all my players based on who was smiling in their pictures. As a result I got that hottie to the left, Jordan Cameron. His team and position are not important here, but let's just say he was a major let down last season. Somehow, I picked him again this year...I guess I'm a sucker for that smile. Speaking of sucking...Jordan sucked balls in his game yesterday AND hurt his shoulder. Thankfully, I have the homely Peyton Manning shouldering my squad again this year (he managed to get through without smiling last year based on his SNL performance from a few years back). I should have chosen based on who has been in jail or beaten their wives, cause that seems to be a pretty popular extracurricular activity of NFL football players these days.

Watch This: Real Housewives of Melbourne

Are the current catfights of all the different Real Housewife Tribes across America getting a bit old to you?  Even when they bring in new ladies into the mix, it's still lacks the freshness of the first few seasons. I'm over Vicki in Orange County and am afraid of Ramona in NYC cause all they do is yell at people. Ok, well, I will never tire of Teresa and Melissa from New Jersey, but Teresa's probably going to jail, so she's not going to be around for much longer to enjoy.

If your answer to my aforementioned question was "yes" than do I have a gift for you? A gift from down under (no not my panties). It's The Real Housewives of Melbourne and they are amazing. They are a caricature of the American Real Housewives- only sparklier, more botoxed, more made-up, and with cute accents and I love them so much. The ladies still backstab and side eye each other, like true ladies do, but it's all just much more fun. They don't really have much going on, but like to have parties so that they can create drama that will make for good television. One girl's a psychic who's married to a world famous rockstar (read: drummer from Silverchair) and has created a catchphrase "shine shine shine" which doesn't make sense for about 75% of the context in which she uses it. Another girl is an uptight business woman married to a plastic surgeon (and befittingly has the worst appearing skin and plastic surgery of the bunch). They are all super-botoxed and all confess a deep love of shopping for expensive things and drinking champagne. What's not to love about these women?

My favorite character is Gina. She's a barrister and she will remind you several times that it's her job to seek the truth so she's telling the truth with her truthiness and can detect non-truths cause she's a barrister. She also thinks that psychics are demonic. And she wears a touch too much make-up. And she will cut you...with the truth.

Read This: Eleanor and Park

Have you read this book yet? It's certainly not a new release, it came out in 2013 and Dreamworks has already bought the rights to make it into a movie with the author, Rainbow Rowell, as the screenwriter. I'm not really into the young adult genre. I didn't looooove the Hunger Games and have never read the Divergent series. But this one is different. It takes place in 1980's Omaha and features two high school students who fall in love on the school bus. Eleanor is a chubby redhead from a very dysfunctional, low income, domestic abuse-riddled family who is the new kid at school. She sits with Park, a half-Korean loner who loves comics and punk music and is at odds with his machismo, tough-guy father, on the bus. Slowly they bond over comic books and music and eventually fall in love. It's the sweetest book. Rowell makes you feel like you are 16 again and you are falling in love again for the first time with her language and descriptions and avoidance of cliches. I devoured this book and mourned its ending. You should too!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Everyone's Happy

Look everyone, we are so happy. Happiness. Happy. Even mom's here being happy with us. We get along so well. We love to stand in front of brick walls and smile at something that's happening off camera slightly to everyone's left. Nothing else to see here...go spend your energy and Kim and Kanye now, cause the Carter-Beyonce family is boring and Happy!!!

Beyonce looks like she might be holding Jay back from clocking Solange in the back of the head with his giant fist, but other than that, everyone looks really comfortable and at ease.

Looks who's come out of his hot-man-cave!

Well, hello there Ryan Gosling. Haven't seen you for a while. Just in case you forgot, I would happily have my marriage annulled if you wanted to be my husband. Don't tell Jeff.

Get a Room!

Here's a photo of Tom Brady making out with his smoking hot, rich, Brazilian supermodel wife, Gisele while his ex-girlfriend, former babymamma, aging G-list actress Bridget Moynahan stands by holding back her tears while thinking about what her life would be like if she were married to one of the NFL's best and most successful quarterbacks. 

Every Day's A Fashion Show

I love Taylor Swift's decision to move to NYC. I love it because she get's photographed every day walking out of her apartment fully made up in a cute spring dress and holding her purse just so with not a hair out of place. Every.Day. I also love that she looks into the camera and pretends to be a Victoria's Secret Angel...I bet she repeats this mantra in the elevator, "Look sexy and a little shy and a little aloof" over and over again.

In case you are wondering where Taylor is going, she's going to the only place she ever seems to go...the gym. Yes, dressed like that and without a gym bag. Maybe all her spandex is shoved in the purse and she keeps her sneakers in her gym locker? Maybe today is an "arm day" and she doesn't plan on getting that sweaty or having to move around too quickly. I don't care, I just hope she doesn't stop, cause I love looking at her "slutty 60's housewife" attire day in and day out.

Taylor took her perky boobies out to the theater the other night to see Zach Braff's show "Bullets Over Broadway". There are rumors circling that they are..ahem...more than friends. Zach seems sorta high maintenance and needy and just got out of a long term relationship, so he's pretty much a perfect match for Taylor.

2 Week Maternity Leave

This post was originally supposed to be about how happy I was to see that Drew Barrymore was a twig immediately after having a baby and that she's embraced her postpartum curves...thinking that she had her baby a few months ago. THEN I looked at the actual date of her daughter's birth and it was April f'ing 22nd (less than 30 days ago). Why in the hell is she not sitting on her couch in sweatpants lactating all over the place? Why is she spending any time away from her new baby to promote an awful movie in which she stars with Adam Sandler? Call her crazy, but she's definitely faithful and professional. Apparently FMLA does not apply to movie stars.

BTW my friend Daron's friend who I've never met before is Drew's nanny and said she's really nice and wonderful to work for. That's all I've got. True story.

Aggressive V

Crikey!! Jude Law clearly wants to prove to us all that he makes up for on his chest what he lacks on his head. That V neck is so aggressive. While he does have some nice looking, albeit hairy, pecs he needs to put them away.

All this talk about V-necks reminds me of one of my 14th favorite SNL Digital Short...

Monday, May 12, 2014

Solange Vs Jay

Holy Balls, if those elevator walls could talk! The above video is of Solange Knowles (Beyonce's little sister) losing her shit on Jay-Z in an elevator with Beyonce standing by stoically. This footage is from a hotel security camera following the Met Gala last week. It pains me that there is no audio. What did Jay-Z do to make Solange go off the deep end? I could watch this 2103948230 times. Beyonce stands by her man and doesn't really engage much at all in the altercation...which would make me believe that this isn't the first time that there have been fights in that family. I love that the bodyguard stops the elevator a few times and then instead of going down, they go up and he has to block more people from getting on). It's crazy how calm Jay and Bey remain- like she's talking to them about the JFK assasination all while trying to punch Jay in the face. At one point he grabs onto Solange's foot, but otherwise, doesn't seem to be saying much to her or getting too excited by her anger. Per TMZ, Solange and Bey got into one car and Jay got into another following their exciting elevator ride. There are photos of the group while they make their way to their cars and you can see how pissed Solange is, though Jay and Bey keep their shit tight and look like nothing even happened. Bey even smiles to the cameras at one point. I would have loved to be in the car with Bey and Solange, I bet Bey gave her a sisterly tongue lashing...or hope she did!

Friday, May 9, 2014

Lindsay Lohan Goes to Things

Lindsay Lohan has no career, yet she keeps showing up at stuff. That's her job now- to go to stuff and do her signature poses (peace sign and blowing a kiss). She then proceeds to pretend to not drink and while "not drunk" she looks for a desperate, older millionaire to bankroll her cigarette and caviar dreams. What they should be bankrolling is a breast lift, cause gravity is no friend to LL's breast tissue. That dress is a poor man's/prostitute's/figure skating version of J.Lo's Grammy Versace dress from 2000.

Short Hair Don't Care

Pippa Middleton may have an amazing ass, but her hair always left a bit to be desired. Not to be subpar, Pippa went and got herself a new haircut. It's nothing major, but it's an improvement. It was a bit too long and flat for her face and now it looks much lighter and much more chic. I also notice that she's maybe, possibly lightened up a touch on the eyeliner. Someone must read this blog.

ZOINKS, that eyeliner!!!!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

In Vino Veritas

Oh, Reese Witherspoon, what will we do with you!!?? Reese wants so badly for us to think that she's America's Sweetheart, but she's not. She drinks and swears and is a bit of a snot. I love it when she's drunk on film...her southern accent really shines through. Remember when she got arrested last year? God, that was awesome. The above videos are from Cara Delevingne's instagram (she's an English model just in case you were wondering). Cara and Reese (along with Rihanna and Kate Bosworth) went to the Met Gala together and were all dressed by Stella McCarthy. My favorite, Lainey Gossip, had extensive coverage of the Met Costume Gala this past week. She pointed out that when Andre Leon Talley (editor-at-large at Vogue) interviewed Stella's pack of women, Kate Bosworth laughed at Reese mean girl style when it was pointed out that it was her first Met. It's hilarious because Kate is D-list at best and Reese is a strong A-lister, but in that moment, Kate, who goes to the Met Gala yearly, was better than Reese and she made sure that Reese knew it.