Welcome Back, Barry

Embed from Getty Images After weeks and months of hiding (aka vacationing), Barry O has finally come out from under his hole to grace us with his presence, just when we needed it most. It's been a rough few months under the rule of the evil Pumpkin McTweetsalot. It's nice to see Barry's smiling mug to remind us that there was a time when we weren't governed by an incompetent white supremacist. Remember that, guys? Those were the days. He makes it all the sweeter by hanging out with my favorite ginge, Hot Prince Harry. Just throw in Oprah and Beyonce into this picture and my happy little heart would just EXPLODE!!!

Embed from Getty Images In addition to hanging out with Harry, Barry O was also hanging out with some former presidents- Billy Clinton and George Bush II. Remember when we all hated George Bush II and thought he was the WOOOORRRRSSSTTT. Boy were we wrong!! He may have been a puppet controlled by Dick Cheney, but he actually had a soul...and didn't have a Twitter account. Look at these three guys together. Can you just imagine what they talk about! But for real though...can they just have a reality show? Three ex-presidents on a road trip across the country. Bill would pick up the ladies, Barry would hang with all the hip millennials, and George II would be the weird, old uncle saying awkward things while trying to be cool. It would be a ratings hit! Make it happen, tv producers!!!

Newsflash: Hugh Hefner was an old man when he died!!

Poor Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91 on September, 27. Hugh hadn't been seen in public for a long time, because gasp...Hugh was old AF. This is a man who lived in his pajamas. I'm sure he reeked of nystatin and urine since the 1990s and I know this because all old men reek of nystatin and urine, because they are old and their bodies are decaying. The problem is that Hugh wanted everyone to believe that he was vigorous and virile and people did. He must still be youthful, why else would he have a bevy of blondes by his side? Because he enslaved paid them to be with him. It was all a facade. We should not be shocked that he was old and feeble and needing a walker to get around...because 90 year olds who spend their day in bed reading pornographic magazines in their pajamas tend to get pretty deconditioned. Sorry world, it happens to the best of us.

Enough Is Enough

UGH, the Kardashians. They keep reproducing. Last week we discussed that Kylie, the youngest Kardashian, was with child. Next, we hear that Khloe has a baby growing in her womb too...though this hasn't been confirmed, let's just assume it's true because Mama Kris was likely the one who dropped the tidbit to the gossip sites. Thirdly, not to be in anyone's shadow, Kim dropped that she and Kanye are expecting a baby via surrogate. Jesus Khrist, Kardashians, can you just please stop? It's becoming hard for me to keep up with all these Kardashians!! There are too many and they are all horrible. Can't the state of California issue a law that states "If you missuse the letter K or if you name your baby after a sleep state (I'm looking at you Rob Kardashian), you will be forced by the State of Kalifornia to be sterilized." I understand that eugenics is illegal...but this is an emergency!!

Good at lipstick, Bad at birth control

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The youngest and most radically metamorphized of the Kardashian klan, Kylie Jenner is pregnant at the age of 20, thus proving that her uterus was left alone when she injected her entire body with silicone and fillers. May the odds be ever in your favor, baby Jenner...

Carey Mulligan had a secret baby

Embed from Getty Images Carey Mulligan appears to have given Mumford another son. See what I did there? Actually, I have no idea if it was a boy or a girl, but Carey had another baby. Did you even know she was pregnant? Did you know that celebrities can have major life milestones in secret? It's rare, but possible. Carey Mulligan was last seen pregnant this summer, then she went on with her life and had a baby, and showed up to the premiere of her new movie unpregnant. So whenever you hear celebrities complaining about how they can't go anywhere without being photographed, think about Carey Mulligan...or even Taylor Swift or Kim Kardashian who have all gone weeks or months without having their photos taken.

Shut Your Trap, Tom Brady

I'm probably the only human on God's great Earth who is not impressed by Tom Brady. I just can't get over that he hates strawberries. Unforgivable.

Well, Tommy Boy has "written" a "book". I use the term book loosely, because it's really a primer on how to be awesome like Tom Brady...by purchasing supplements from his health care line. In his book he shares lots of really, really bogus and dangerous health tips. For instance: if you drink 2.5 gallons of water a day, like he does, you won't get a sunburn. Because apparently hydrated skin is a barrier against harmful UV rays. I'm no doctor...oh wait, YES I AM..and are you f'ing kidding me, Tom? Why are you telling people this?!?! Are you in cahoots with the drug company that makes the dacarbazine (the only FDA approved chemo to treat melanoma)? This is dangerous information to share, because people trust you. I'm not sure why people would take medical advice from an NFL quarterback, but  they will, all while spending $203948320948 on your sham supplements, which you call "stupid water drop things." YOU ARE SO DUMB!!!!! 

Well sports fans, the person with that smug grin who you call The Greatest of All Time is trying to murder you with water and sunshine. Yeah!!!!

J.Love

Jennifer Lopez is this generation's Jane Fonda- she's beautiful, she's a mediocre actress at best, and she doesn't age. Her face nor her body has really changed since her P.Diddy days. She looks fresh, tight, and vigorous. Her skin is perfection, her ass is high, she is gorgeous.

Jennifer was on this month's cover of Hola! Magazine discussing her relationship with Alex Rodriguez. Of course, she's deeply in love and everything is butterflies and rainbows." Jennifer may be a mediocre actress and singer, but she excels at falling madly and deeply in love. Mark my words, ARod will be Jennifer's 4th husband.


In case you were feeling like your skin was looking glowing and youthful, here's a photo of 48 year old J.Lo sans makeup to put you in your place like the old hag that you are....

Selena's New Kidney

Selena Gomez has been battling Lupus for many years. While she has been very open about her struggle with this diagnosis, she has kept the details of the disease and its effects on her body private. Last week, Selena announced that she had a kidney transplant in the beginning of the summer and apologized to her fans for "lying low" this summer after the surgery. Damn, girl, way to keep that under the radar. It's impressive that someone so high profile can keep that under wraps. Her friend was her kidney donor, which is so sweet and smart, because now Selena is indebted to her forever. If my rich friend needed a kidney I sure as hell would rent them one of my kidneys for a monthly fee #altruism.

Here are my questions about this:
1. Did Selena Gomez ask her boyfriend, The Weekend for a kidney?
2. Did Selena need dialysis
3. What immunosuppresant is Selena on now? Why in the hell do I care?

Harper's Bazaar Hates Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of this month's Harper's Bazaar and I'm not sure what she did to piss off the magazine's editors, but man, she looks hella bad. You have to work hard to make Jennifer Aniston look like possessed dirt witch and Harper's managed to pull it off. First, her pose looks like she's picking her wedgie while holding in a fart. So awkward. Her hair is a wind blown hot mess...but not in a wind-machine-Beyonce way, but in a caught in a sand storm in the middle of the desert way. Her face looks like the makeup artist went to Sephora, bought all the bronzer in the store, and then put it all over her face. To add insult to injury, Harper's then put words like BEAUTY, CHIC, FABULOUS in all caps all over the cover to contrast the way that the cover model actually looks. Bitch move, Harpers,

Emmy Awards 2017

After a months long hiatus, I'M BACK!! I've got lots of Emmy coverage from last night's show..that I didn't watch because I was at work, but I did spend several hours ignoring my patients to scour the internet looking for pictures of Emmy Dresses. Keep scrolling through to the Older Posts to get all of my Emmy commentary.

Best Dressed

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We might be in a fight with this one, but Zoe Kravit wins best dressed hands down. No competition. First and foremost, Zoe's face is perfection. I don't usually oooh and aaaah over bone structure, but Zoe has beautiful bone structure. Her face is one of the few that can rock a hair style as short as hers and she does it with ease. She's like a precious little bird and I want her to live in the front pocket of my overalls in a totally non creepy way. I love all the feathery fringe of her dress, i love that even the top has fringe. Most of all, I love the ROYGBIV theme of her skirt that seems to change color depending on what direction she's facing. OBSESSED! I want one to wear to work, the grocery store, to clean out my basement, to drop my kids off at school. I'll wear the f out of that dress and my 5 year old and all her friends will think I am the BOSS!!!

Worst Dressed

Embed from Getty Images Ugh, Ariel Winter. I know she's only 19, but girlfriend needs to reign it in a bit. We get it Ariel, you have a vagina. I have one too, but I keep mine tucked away where it belongs. No peekaboos. She tries so so hard to be provocative. She's cute and has a cute little body, but this dress and styling is a mess. The slits, the ill fitting top, the over injected lips, the stripper heels, it's all too much. Ariel has had some personal misfortunes and was emancipated from her mother at a young age, so a lot of her behaviors make perfect sense. However, it does not excuse this mess of a dress. I just want to adopt her and take her shopping to pick out some cute clothes that cover up her reproductive organs and then let her pay because she makes way more money that I do!

Best Ability to Age Backwards

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Felicity Huffman is pulling some major Benjamin Button sh*t on us right now. She looks better and better every year. What's her secret? Let's hope its a steady diet of carbs, pizza, and wine. A girl can dream can't she?

Best Homage to the 1980s

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Sarah Paulson is not scared to push the envelope. She was definitely trying to channel an androgynous 80's rockstar astronaut with this look. I'd say she was successful. It's certainly not for everyone. I sorta love the dress though wish is were a different length as it would be super sexy if it were shorter. I'm not even really that mad at those puffy shoulders. What I am a disappointed by his her hair and make up. Her dark roots and sad little pony tail. While I understand she's going for that "space chic" look, her hair and makeup just don't do it for me.

Best Emmy Best Friend

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Vanessa Bayer looks like a person who wants to be my best friend. We could go to the Emmys together in our cute dresses and gossip about all the other celebrities. I'd pitch her ideas for SNL sketches and she'd say, "You are so funny, Beth, I'm going to ask Lorne Michaels to hire you as an SNL cast member." And then we'd go to the afterparties, get drunk, and throw up all over ourselves, because that's what true friends do. PS- I love her floral dress, super cute and fun!!!

Halfway to EGOT

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I feel a little let down by Nicole Kidman's dress. It's pretty MEH, right? The length is weird, the color blends in with the red carpet, the cut is boring. There isn't really anything interesting about it and Nicole usually takes risks that I love on the red carpet. Nicole won Best Actress for her role in Big Little Lies. She was so so good in that role, it was such a nuanced, understated performance and it really showed how talented an actress she is. With the win, she is now halfway to the EGOT. Now she just needs an Tony and Grammy. Maybe she can win a Grammy for a duet with her mulletted husband. He definitely wins the award for worst hair in the world.
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Best Color

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Viola Davis has never met a bright color she didn't love and I don't think I've ever hated anything she has worn on the red carpet. She NEVER misses. I love her purse, red lips, jacked biceps, and hot hubby. Killing it!

Best and Worst Aging Faces

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Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon hit the red carpet together at the Emmys. They star as Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in The Feud. According to IMDB, Jessica is 68 and Susan is 70. These two are a stark contrast to each other. Jessica's face looks like a melting candle with eyebrows. Susan looks like a hot 25 year old. Her face hasn't changed since Thelma and Louise. She looks amazing. Jessica is going to see these pictures and regret that botox smoothie she drank before the ceremony. Embed from Getty Images

Best Sleeves+Feathers+Sequins

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There is a LOT going on with Tracee Ellis Ross's dress. Big sleeves, belt, sequins, feathers, weird length. I should hate it. I really should, but I can't. I can't because I love Tracee Ellis Ross so so much and she always looks like she's having so much fun. So despite the fact that on paper, this dress is a goddamn disaster, I love it and love her and will award her honorable mention for this crazy dress.

Best Old Lady

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I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Jane Fonda is made of plastic...but not low budget plastic, she's made of the same plastic that all those Little Tykes toys are made of that sit outside year after year, but never change or break down and continue to bring children joy. Jane Fonda is almost 80 and she looks so so good. She brought her A game to the Emmys this year with a new long, sleek pony and fierce bangs. And a waist, look at that waist. Should I remind you that she's almost 80?!?! She looks better than some of the girls 40 and 50 years her junior. Jane presented an award last night with Lily Tomlin and the incomparable Dolly Parton. These three old gals seem to have so much fun together. I love Dolly's sweet demeanor, but dirty mind. I want her to be my adopted me-maw.

Creepiest Plastic Surgery

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I don't know who this guy is, but he apparently goes by the name of "Cameron Silver". I also have no idea who his date is. What I do know is that those two people have the same face and I don't think they are twins. I think they are friends who went to the plastic surgeon together and when the surgeon said "who do you want me to make you look like?" (Because, that's the first question all plastic surgeons ask at their first consultation, right?)they just pointed to each other. So the plastic surgeon was like "Hold my beer" and used an iphone app to morph their faces together and got to work. I have a feeling he was pleased with the outcome. Yup, that's totes what happened. The end.

Good Lipstick, Bad Dress

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I'm not in love with Mandy Moore's dress. The tiered black and white make her look like a fancy skunk. She definitely makes up for the dress with her bright pop of pink lippie. Love it.

Worst Curtains

Embed from Getty Images Allison Janney's dress is the same exact pattern as my cheap-ass Ikea curtains in my dining room. Exactly. Maybe she loves Ikea. Maybe she's Swedish. Maybe this is a sign that she wants to come over for dinner. I hear you loud and clear, Allison, and I'm free on Wednesday.

Palest Emmy Winner

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I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Elisabeth Moss's favorite color is "pale skin". She matched her dress to her skin, then took it one level further and matched her shoes to her skin too. Then when it was time to do her hair and makeup she was all "nope, I'm good" and got into her limo. And that is how Elisabeth Moss got ready for the Emmys.

Best Dressed Male

Embed from Getty Images Donald Glover rocked a purple tux like it was his job. Like he is the president of the tux models at Men's Warehouse. Hail to the Chief!!!

Best California Raisin

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Debra Messing's dress looks like a California Raisin and that's all I have to say.

Best Jewelry

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I don't really have much to say about Emmy Rossum or her dress. I don't really think much about Emmy Rosum. In fact, I know so little about her, that I spelled her name wrong in the first sentence (keeping it to prove to you how little I care about Emmy Rosum). Her dress is ok. If someone was like "here Beth, wear this black dress" I wouldn't be mad at them, but I'd wish for something a little more fun. I love her jewelry though. The earrings are gooooorrrrggggeous. It helps that the rest of her presentation is so vanilla, because those earrings are outrageous. Did I mention that I love her earrings??

Best Green

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I love a green dress. I don't love a low V, but I'm going to forgive for two reasons- because I love a green dress and because I appreciate Shailene's perky little 20-something boobs. I had those once, too, Shailene...them were the days. Back to the dress...it's super cute. But my real question...are tendril's coming back? Is that becoming a thing? If so, how can it be stopped. Just stay no to tendrils.

NOOOOO TENDRILS....GO BACK TO THE 90's!!!!

Fiercest Girl Boss

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There are some things I love about Reese's outfit. She usually wears precious, boring ball gowns that aren't really that remarkable. I love that she broke out of her usual mold. Is that oversized, satin tuxedo jacket with matching velvet heels cute? Not really. Would it look better styled with a tight, high pony and harder makeup? Yup. Does she look like a little kid playing dress up when she is standing next to Nicole Kidman? You bet. Despite that, I appreciate the look she was going. I think she was trying to be edgy without being cutesy. She is a total girl boss and is becoming a major producer of quality tv and movies with strong female roles. The real Reese (not that we've ever met, but I did watch her arrest videos 14 or so times) is a bit more rough around the edges. I'm giving her points for trying and for thinking outside the fashion box.

Roughest face

Embed from Getty Images Heidi Klum is a beautiful lady. It needs to be said. She has a smoking hot bod, she dates a guy half her age, she's rich, she's sassy. With that said, she looked horrible tonight. Her boobs look saggy, her makeup is dull, her hair is drab and drags her face down. She looks like a sad, anemic bird. Heidi is starting to suffer from the "face vs body" syndrome. As celebrities age, their calorie deficits start to catch up to them. In order to stay thin and keep their tiny bodies, they sacrifice the fat in their face, which then ages them. I think this is starting to happen to Heidi. The only treatment is lots and lots of alcohol so that her face gets bloated. Trust me, I'm a doctor.