Sunday, March 4, 2018
Best Dress
Not Even Trying
Emma Stone's publicist called her this afternoon to see if she was ready for the Oscars yet and Emma was like "Say What?!? I thought they were next weekend!!" So she ran into her closet and grabbed the first thing she could find and rushed out the door to a waiting limo. That's the only explanation for why Emma is wearing this ugly sateen blazer and black pants. The next plausible explanation is that Emma just gives zero shites about the Oscars and didn't want to be there. This outfit speaks loudly to that hypothesis.
Bitch Stole My Look
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Worst Dress
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is not a dress that an Oscar nominee wears. This is a dress that a C list singer wears to the Grammy's. An Oscar nominee has one job on Oscar night. Your only job is to look fabulous...that's it. This dress is heinous. First off the color- my favorite dress was brilliant pink. This dress is depressing pink. Looking at it makes me sad. It's the color of the inside of a colon.
Secondly, the dress doesn't fit her boobs. It's being pulled down by that ginormous, heavy bow in the back. I bet she was tugging on that dress all night. There's no excuse for a dress that doesn't fit when you are an Oscar nominee. Again, you have ONE JOB!
It's obvious that Saoirse was trying to dress outside the box and not play it safe and I will give her credit for that, but this dress was the wrong choice. Her joyless face makes me think that she may agree.
Best Spokesmodel
I know I called Jane Fonda that best Old Lady at the Oscars, but Helen Mirren takes a very close second. I don't even consider her "old" because she is so effervescent and sassy as hell and I love that she swears like a sailor. I don't want Helen to be my memaw, I want her to be my best friend who swears around my kids, sexually harasses my husband, and who I have to kick out of my house for smoking cigarettes even though I told her not to. I didn't even notice that Helen was the jetski spokesmodel until I looked for pictures of her on the interwebs. I can only imagine her as a Barker's Beauty on The Price as Right, she would have definitely told that dirty old Bob to go f*ck himself.
Best Sparkle
I loved, loved, loved Lupita Nyong'o and Gal Gadot's dresses. They were almost tied for first in my book.
I loved the sparkle and construction of Lupita's. She looked like a golden goddess. And I double loved her look with her cute black glasses. Gal looked like a 20's glamour girl. The shine and movement of her dress on tv made me love it more. She also gets bonus points for styling with that sick drop necklace, red lip, and simple pulled back hair style. These two are smart, well spoken, beautiful women who both seem like a ton of fun. Love them!!
Embed from Getty Images
Embed from Getty Images
I loved the sparkle and construction of Lupita's. She looked like a golden goddess. And I double loved her look with her cute black glasses. Gal looked like a 20's glamour girl. The shine and movement of her dress on tv made me love it more. She also gets bonus points for styling with that sick drop necklace, red lip, and simple pulled back hair style. These two are smart, well spoken, beautiful women who both seem like a ton of fun. Love them!!
Embed from Getty Images
Embed from Getty Images
Worst attempt at trying
NOPE
Margot Robbie is nominated for Best Actress. She should be wearing something glamorous and beautiful and memorable. Instead she's wearing a white sheet with some Christmas garland attached. It's a big NOPE. Even her makeup is boring. Enough with the nude lips girls, just stop. I'm not opposed to a white dress...see Laura Dern below for how it's done, girls. But I am against this white dress.
Laura is the QUEEN!!!
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Tiffany Haddish for President
Tiffany Haddish is my favorite. She is honest, funny, and having a great time with her rise to fame. She wore a traditional Eritrean gown as a nod to her late father who is from Eritrea, a country that I had never heard of, despite living in Kenya for a year. Ignorant American party of one!!
Have you seen Girls Trip? It is hilarious and dirty. My favorite combination. When Tiffany was promoting the movie, she had a hilarious story about taking Will and Jada Smith on a Groupon swamp tour. I needs to be seen and I will make it happen for you...
Random Athletes at the Oscars
Look, its Kobe Bryant at the Oscars. Why? Who the hell knows, but his wife looks psyched to be there. I'm guessing that he cheated on her again and part of his penance is checking off his wife's bucket list. Embed from Getty Images
An overly tanned and super blond Lindsay Vonn also showed up on the red carpet because #Olympics. I'm very distracted by her blond hair and I wish I could convince her to darken that hair up a bit and go back to her natural color, but she won't return my calls. I wish Tara Lipinksi and Johnny Weir were invited to the Oscars, they would have looked 200x more fabulous. Embed from Getty Images
While we didn't get Tara and Johnny, we DID get Tara and Johnny 2.0 in the form of figure skaters Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu. I really like Mirai's dress and Adam Rippon is a BOSS in his buckles and straps. He is owning that red carpet. Love him and his very well spoken message. He's a force to be reckoned with!!
Hottest Person I've Never Seen Before
I don't know who this girl is. I learned from the internet that she was in a movie called "Baby Driver". Is that the sequel to "Boss Baby"? I can only assume Baby Driver is a movie about someone driving and it was made only for men and that my husband will inevitably find it on cable one day and force me to watch it. I'm already pissed. Anyway, while I love sparkly dresses, I find myself also loving very plain, well fitting dresses and this dress fits this girl like a glove. Not many people could rock a bright yellow dress, but with that banging little body, this girl can. I hope her next movie has a better name.
Best Soccer Mom
Jennifer Garner looks pretty plain in her normal life- jeans, no makeup, ponytail. But oh girl, does she clean up well. She looks gorgeous tonight!! I love the electric blue color of her dress and her full, wavy hair. I'm not sure exactly what she's representing at the Oscars, the only things she acts in are Capital One commercials. Maybe she's just there as the representative of hot soccer moms. Well done, Jenny.
Fluffy Corpse
Every year one actress dresses as a corpse for the Oscars in head to toe nude. This year was Allison Williams' turn. Allison decided to wear a puffy corpse dress that looks like it was made out of rhinestoned human skin. Despite the fluff, Allison still looks hungry, anemic, and in need of a long nap.
Bejeweled Lampshade
What in the ever living frack is Selma Hayak wearing? While I love purple, sequins, and diamonds, I cannot condone their use in this combination. It's hideous. The whole look is horrid. Selma's husband is the CEO of a fashion empire that owns Gucci, Balenciaga, Alexander McQueen to name a few fashion houses to which she has access...and this is what she picks...and jeweled lampshade. Not cute.
Best Pink
VIOLA!!! This dress is EVERYTHING!! If you are going to wear pink, then wear PINK! This is the shade of pink that Victoria's secret talks about when it splashes PINK! across the ass of sweatpants. This is the pink that the singer Pink was named after. This is the perfect pink and Viola is the perfect person to wear this color. She's sassy, beautiful, her skin is glowing, and she's so confidant. Her awards style never stops being awesome. She's the best!!!
And how cool is that purse?
Best Scarlet O'Hara Impression
Andra Day didn't have anything to wear for the Oscars, but she had some amazing curtains. Things were getting down to the wire and she had no choice, she had to use the curtains. So she used some safety pins, double sided tape, and ingenuity and made herself and goddamn dress. She even made a special vent for kitty cat to breathe in all that taffeta. When she got to the Red Carpet she plopped herself down on the carpet to sulk and wait for Rhett Butler. He never showed up and Andra was last seen being escorted out by security.
Best Oscar Old Lady
There are many old ladies yet to arrive, but I don't care. I'm calling it now. Jane Fonda wins every year as the best old lady. She is EIGHTY years old. EIGHTY!!! She is twice as old as me, but her waist is smaller, her skin is tighter, and her boobs are higher. But I'm not mad. I'm hopeful. Hopeful that someday I will find a plastic surgeon as adept as hers to keep me looking hot forever and that I will have enough money to afford him/her. Never stop being a hot old thing, Jane. I love you and I want you to be my Sexy Hot Meemaw.
Oscar Time
Oh, hello again. Remember me? I'm back for at least one night to provide commentary and lots of snark about Oscar night 2018. The dresses, the winners, the losers (cough, I'm looking at you Ryan Seacrest). I've gotta be 100% honest here- I have not seen one movie nominated tonight. Not one. The most recent movie I saw was Top Gun and I despite seeing it 5679 times, I was still confused by all the plot holes. So despite being a Pop Culture expert (your words, not mine), I have not found time or energy to watch a full movie at a movie theater. How can I when there are 4 episodes of the bachelor on each week plus 2-3 different Real Housewives cites to watch per week. With that schedule, there's little time for anything else!!!
So keep checking in. There will be tons of posts tonight. Oscars 2018- LET's DO THIS!!!
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