On first gaze, Julia Roberts looks like the glowing movie star powerhouse that she is with her bright smile, blonde waves, and soft pink, gauzy off the shoulder top. Pan out and she's paired it all with black pants. I think I have Athleta pants that look similar to hers. How amazing would she have looked if that soft pink mullet skirt was a full skirt? She would have looked so ethereal and would have been my top 5 for sure (first place if she put on some brighter lipstick). I know she wasn't there as a nominee and was trying to be low key, but she's Julia Roberts...there is nothing low key about Julia Roberts...please show up as the biggest movie star of my generation, please? Thanks.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Pretty on the top, Lazy on the bottom
On first gaze, Julia Roberts looks like the glowing movie star powerhouse that she is with her bright smile, blonde waves, and soft pink, gauzy off the shoulder top. Pan out and she's paired it all with black pants. I think I have Athleta pants that look similar to hers. How amazing would she have looked if that soft pink mullet skirt was a full skirt? She would have looked so ethereal and would have been my top 5 for sure (first place if she put on some brighter lipstick). I know she wasn't there as a nominee and was trying to be low key, but she's Julia Roberts...there is nothing low key about Julia Roberts...please show up as the biggest movie star of my generation, please? Thanks.
Best Dressed
Patricia Clarkson is radiant. Her joy was seeping out of her and into that beautiful dress last night. I felt "meh" when I saw it in pictures, but on camera it was so much more vibrant and coral and gorgeous!!! I love her bright lip and soft wavy blonde hair. She has so much life in her smile and eyes and she's simply glowing. I also love the sparkly peekaboo on top. It's such a fantastic, unique dress and it's why she deserves the best dressed award.
It's funny, I don't really know anything that she has been in and the number one thing I remember her for is the Adam Samberg/Justin Timberlake song "Mother Lover" on SNL. She played one of the mothers.
Most Frightening Golden Globes Attendee
Rosamund Pike will cut a bitch if you cross her. She didn't play Amazing Amy on Gone Girl...she became her. Gah, she give me chills.
I love her little capelet/coat though, super cute.
Best Stars
How great is this dress? I love the color and the stars and Melissa's fresh face. Her skin is TO DIE FOR. She glows from the inside out. Call me, Melissa let's be best friends...bring Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph too, please!
Worst Dressed
Here are the reasons that Gina Rodriquez is my worst dressed of 2019 Golden Globes
1. That first pose. You are not a bat, please stop acting like one.
2. Ice blue color. Bleh.
3. Deep V with no boob support
4. Horrible makeup.
5. Gina is a young, modern woman, yet dressed like a Palm Beach housewife on her way to bed in the 1950s.
Best Breasts
Halle Berry's breasts defy physics, human physiology, time- Those breasts are 52 years old, but they are so perky and perfect. They may have been kissed by a surgeon's scalpel, but I don't care, because they are so well done it's impossible to tell. Let's all raise a toast to Halle's Boobies!!!! Here Here!!
Best Gold
100% sure I say this every year, but Felicity Huffman is a hot piece of ass. She's 56 and looks hotter and hotter every year. I feel like every year I do a double take when she's presenting and ask myself "Who dat?!" and then I realize it's her and it makes me so happy. She's a golden goddess with her beachy waves and gold beaded dress. She's in my top 5 of the night.
Couple I'm Most Likely to Fantasize Doing It
Call me a creep, but I couldn't help think/fantasize about Idris Elba and Taylor Swift going back to a hotel and ravaging each other after the Golden Globes. Quite frankly, Idris Elba could be presenting with Elmo and I'd still fantasize about the two of them heading back to the hotel after the show...
Try to unsee Idris and Elmo doing sexay times...it's impossible.
Best Frayed Doily
I don't love this dress. If it were a jewel tone like deep aubergine it would be great, but in that taupey gray (that I only associate with dead bodies) it is no bueno. That dress looks like it was a white doily that went into the wash with dark clothes that bled and then the washing machine frayed half the edge. This hits close to home because I'm horrible at doing laundry and turn all of my white clothes the color of her dress. Add to it that her make up makes look anemic and sad. It's a bust.
Girl- you are Mary MF Poppins...jazz it up a bit! No more nudes!!!
Saddest Rosette
I've never considered a velvet rosette as sad, but Catriona Balfe's sure is. It's saggy and lonely and really has no point other than to weigh down Catriona's breasts with its heavy velvetiness. I want to chop that rosette right off that dress and tickle it in hopes to cheer it up. Tickling makes everyone happy.
Anne Is Wearing Animal Print
I can't say if this was a best or worst dress for me. I am the number one proponent for animal prints. Look it up, you will find my face attached to a cheetah's body. At first I hated the dress. Then I stared at it for a while and it started to grow on me- I like the off the shoulder sleeves and the full skirt. Perhaps, it would have been better without the shiny detail on top...or if the entire top was shiny. The weird triangles under her boobs are distracting. And she definitely needs a red lip. You can't wear leopard print with a nude lip...I should know, because I wrote the Handbook on How to Wear Animal Prints.
Best Disco Ball
Best/Worst Hanger Oner
Best Pink
Worst Tailoring
Best Prevention of Malaria
Best Use of White
When pretty girls become drug addicts
Best Cape
Best Fraggle Princess
Best Use of a Land's End Bathing Suit
Worst highlights, Best dress
My Person
Sandra Oh looks like an Old Hollywood goddess. I love her hair, her makeup, and that billowy Greek Goddess dress. Yes to all of it. She is my person 100%
Bottom of the D-List
Whelp, I'm gonna start on a snarky level tonight for good old times. I have all night for positivity.
When you're a D-list celebrity, you get the dregs of the dress pickings. What happens when you are on the bottom of the D-list and married to a retired and already forgotten about NFL quarterback? You get the dregs of the dress and the weave selection...and quite frankly, the dregs of the spray tan girl and make up artist selection too. Woof!! Why do her sleeves cover her hands? Is it sexy to show your side boob, but cover up your knuckles? It's only 7:25 and this dress is already on my least favorite list...congrats, Kristin Cavallari, you finally topped a list!!
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