The Critics Choice Awards were last night. This awards show marks the beginning of awards season. It is usually in January, but for some reason, it was kerplopped in the middle of December. It's nice to have a distraction from Mariah Carey singing "All I Want for Christmas Is You" in a dress that's 3 sizes too small...Thanks, Critics Choice Awards!!
**As a note, some of the pictures of the gowns are in "slideshow" mode, so if you click on them, you will see several shots.
1. Let's start with a D-list actress. Bella Thorne is a former Disney
Star, who now spends most of her time jacking up her face with fillers
and posing half naked on Instagram. I can guarantee you that she is NOT
destined for greatness on her current trajectory. I should be a talent
manager, I'd be awesome. Anyhoo- I'm not sure why she is there, but she
wore a nice sheer dress to attract all the attention that she never
received from her parents, because they were too busy counting the money
that she was making from Walt Disney.
2. Continuing with the D-listers...Kate Beckinsale is dressed like
Glenda The Good Witch Gone Bad. I will say something positive, though.
Kate looks great in the face. It has not aged at all
(cough...botox..cough). And her boobs look great in that dress.
3. Kerry Washington, as your best friend, I need to tell you that your
dress does not fit. It is too short and your boobs do not look great.
The styling, the hair, the shoes are all off. It is fun and playful,
just like our friendship, but it is not for you. You are better than
this dress. I forgive you. Xoxo, Beth
4. Mandy Moore is having a good year. She divorced her
lame husband, Ryan Adams, and her luck turned. Fancy that! I like the
simplicity of this dress and the color. I'm always down for a navy blue
dress. It fits her perfectly and she looks confident wearing it, which
elevates the whole look.
5. I'm going to throw this out to the universe and see if anyone agrees-
Being married to Justin Timberlake has degraded Jessica Biel's looks.
He is sucking the beauty right out of her. Her limp hair, those
bangs...ugh, those bangs!! I've been in a fight with her bangs for
years, but this is the worst I've seen them. The dress may not be the
worst part of this look, it's not my favorite, but I'm too distracted by
her hair and sad face. Jessica should see how happy and light Mandy
Moore looks at take a page from her playbook.
6. I'm a sucker for a dress with pockets and for a dress with an unusual pattern, so Hailee Steinfeld's floral dress is a win-win for me. She looks age appropriate (she's 20), fun, and unique. I like the dress with her bold lip and simple hair. This dress is one of my faves of the night!!
7. Gillian Jacobs made this dress in home ec class.
8. Just because Natalie Portman is 13 months pregnant does not mean she had to dress like a Russian Nesting Doll. There are other dress options out there for pregnant people.
9. Janelle Monae is so lovely. I love the Alice In Wonderland vibe of this dress. She's funky, but not over the top. Her makeup is also really fun. She is such a talent and style icon. Love her!!!
10. Sarah Paulson is edgy and gorgeous. She is the only woman who could wear this pearly dress and pull it off. Do I love the dress? Not really, but I like that it's daring and different. It barely stays on the right side of the garish and tacky line. I wonder, though, how she is supposed to sit in that dress? Do the pearls hurt her bum? How do they not?! My favorite part is that she brought her friend, Amanda Peet, as her plus one. They are super cute together.
11. John Travolta live human or John Travolta's Madame Tussauds wax figure? The world may never know.
12. Nicole Kidman can wear dresses that most women would look ridiculous in. This is one of them. I like how it's like a sexy, dress version of a tuxedo. It fits her body perfectly, it's flirty without being slutty. I love it.
13. While we are on the topic of tuxedos, can we gush for a while over Evan Rachel Wood's tuxedo. Oh lordy, it is PERFECTION. It fits her like a glove, I love the slim tailoring. Her face is exquisite and her soft make-up complements the masculinity of her suit. Can she be my best dressed? Yes!!!
14. Kaley Cuoco earn $1 million per episode on her show, Bing Bang Theory. These photos prove that you can't buy good taste or style. She is consistently the worst dressed of the evening, despite being one of the richest actresses in the room. Let's pick apart this disastrous outfit, shall we? First, she's wearing a lace table cloth as a shirt, which, by the way, doesn't fit her boobs. Second, her pants are horribly tailored. That cuff is unnecessary to the look and the crotch is ill-fitting. Third, her extensions look cheap as hell. Fourth- her pale make-up with the pale colored outfit washes her out. Fifth- she has topped of her ensemble by pairing it with a wooden, bedazzled clutch. Sixth- those shoes. What the hell!?!? Worst dressed, by a mile.
15. Another bestie couple of the evening, Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips. I love these two together. Michelle seems shy and reserved and Busy is much more silly and outgoing (I follow her on instagram and she's goofy). I'm sure Michelle likes having Busy around at awards shows, because she's her comfy security blanket. And besides, who wouldn't want to have their fun friend with them during a long, boring show? I hope Kerry Washington invites me as her guest (and dress picker-outer) next year!! Can we also talk about how beautiful Michelle Williams's face is? She's a vision.
16. Can someone please save Ariel Winter from her bangs? They are attacking her pretty face!!
