Sunday, January 8, 2017

Best Pregnant Woman at an Awards Show


Being pregnant at an awards show can't be easy. For one, you can't drink, so that blows, because it's a long show and the only think that will make it more interesting is booze (or reading this blog). Secondly, there are not a lot of gowns out there made for girls with any sort of projection from her abdomen. Actresses don't have guts. The only good part about being prego in a gown is that you don't have to wear spanx. That's probably the only perk. Natalie Portman must love being pregnant at awards shows, because she seems to time her award winning performances with her egg fertilizing. Maybe fetuses just bring her good luck, because she was pregnant when she won her last Oscar. I'm really loving Natalie's whole look tonight. She was nominated for playing Jackie Kennedy and she really nailed the 60's vibe with her yellow dress and half up hair-do. I love the beaded details on the bottom of her dress and sleeves. Overall, she nailed it with this one!

Posted by No comments:

Worst Hightlights


Why, Keith Urban?!?! Why does a man living in 2017 continue to flat iron and highlight his hair? Just because the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls does it, does not mean it's ok. It's not. It's not ok to follow the lead of anyone who names his band "Goo Goo Dolls".

And while we are on the subject of things I don't like, I will mention that I don't like Nicole's dress. It wouldn't be as awful without the puffy, bejeweled sleeves, but there they are and they are really dragging down that dress and distracting away from the cool beading.
Posted by No comments:

Worst Beard

What's going on with Chris Pine's beard? Why is it growing up his face? I don't know much about beard management as I have never successfully grown one, but I do know when a beard looks bad and his does. I must say that I'm used to seeing Chris as Prince or leading man, so I wasn't expecting those gray whiskers on top of the extra sideburns or reverse muttons or cheekfur whatevs you call it. It looks bad and needs to be shaved. The end.
Posted by No comments:

Best Plus One



Busy Phillips should be my best friend. I think she'd like me. I'm already HER friend because I follow her on Instagram and she talks to me every night on her Insta-stories. And we are friends because I have a whole room with just pictures of her, and newspaper clippings about her, and one black and white tv that just shows clips of her acting over and over again. That's not weird at all, is it? Anyway, for real though, she seems like a fun chick. She's real-life best friends with Michelle Williams who always brings Busy with her to award shows. I'm not a huge fan of Michelle's doily dress this year (she looks like a little lamb with a black bow around it's neck), but I love Busy's dress. I always love a pretty print. The cut of her dress is flattering, love the colors, and the pop with the yellow clutch. It's a big win for me!
Posted by No comments:

Best Dressed Mane



I love Janelle Monae's style. She's always 100% unique and interesting. She always makes me want to look closer, to inspect the details and the thought that she's put into what she's wearing. I never glace over anything Janelle wears. Her dress is cute, but what I love is her hair. The rhinestones and the beehive. It could be really tacky, but it's not. It's gorgeous.
Posted by No comments:

Worst Dumbing Down of a Female...and worst dress



Sofia Vergara's dress is a nightmare. It's definitely the worst of the night. It is so busy with the lace and the sheer and the shoulder cut outs and the sternum cutout (is that a fashion term?) and the boobs and the sequins. It gave me a migraine. The dress is anti-pretty. To add insult to injury, Sofia presented an award and was written to sound like a total idiot. Because Sofia is voluptuous and has a Mexican accent she must be dumb, right? She can't speak English let alone read it. She's too pretty to be smart. Clearly this is her schtick. This is the character she plays on tv. But why does it have to overflow into real life? Why does her wit have to be at the expense of her intelligence? I expressed my disgust at how such a beautiful woman was always written to be so dumb. My husband reminded me that she may be in on the joke and laughing all the way to the bank. I'm not sure if we are laughing at her or with her, but I'm definitely laughing at her joke of a dress.

Posted by 2 comments:

Best Mermaid Pillow Dress




I love this dress. I love the simplicity of the white with the uniqueness of the bronze sequins. Bronze is the metal color of 2017, just in case you were wondering. It's also why Moscow Mules are the cocktail of 2017. Ask anyone. Ok, back to the dress. The sequins remind me of everyone's favorite Christmas present (no not a hatchimal)...a mermaid pillow.

Posted by 1 comment:

Best Heidi Klum



Heidi Klum's dress is ok. It's geometric and fun. It's not hurting anyone. She gets a special honorary award for being the best Heidi Klum in years. Heidi used to wear show-stoppers. Then something happened. Was it when Project Runway moved from Bravo to Lifetime? Did Tim Gunn stop giving her free fashion advice? Whatever it was, her style took a downward spiral. This dress isn't perfect, but it's much better. I'm just happy to see her in a dress that's not a trainwreck.
Posted by No comments:

Worst Yellow



We've gone from vibrant Viola Davis in her vivid yellow to dead-eyed Emily Ratajowski (why didn't she change her last name?!?!) in her saggy, sad yellow dress. Emily is in her 20's and has never had a baby. Her boobs should not appear at her waist. Lift those suckers up! It's not clear to me why Emily keeps getting invited to award shows. Is she an actress? I only know her as the girl from the Blurred Lines video. This dress is ugly, it's ill fitting, the color is not pretty or flattering. I have nothing more to say, Emily, please take your things a leave.
Posted by No comments:

Best Yellow



There were a ton of yellow dresses on the red carpet tonight. Some were good, some were bad. I'll post my worst later. But let's focus on the best of the yellows- Viola Davis. Oh, what a vision!!! The sparkle, the vibrant yellow, the simplicity of the cut! Her skin is radiant and the bright yellow against her dark skin is so beautiful. Viola is a powerful actress and she's wearing a powerful dress!
Posted by No comments:

Worst depiction of genitalia on a ball gown



Hmmmm, how do I say this nicely? My first impression of the top of Carrie Underwood's dress is "wrinkly asymmetrical labia with venereal disease". Google it, I promise that Carrie's dress will be one of the first images that comes up. On second thought, no, don't Google it. I promise you that you will never unsee what comes up on the search. Carrie hates this dress too, look at her face.
Posted by 1 comment:

Best Dressed Man



I love Donald Glover. He's smart and funny and well dressed. We don't see Chocolate tuxedos or suits much these days, which is a good thing, because most couldn't pull it off. BUT when it's a chocolate, VELVET, tuxedo worn in a sea of black and white tuxedos the man wearing it will be the best dressed man. Bravo.
Posted by No comments:

Oldie Hawn



I've always thought that Goldie Hawn was ageless. I was wrong. Even if you name your daughter, Goldie, and she keeps the same gold mop of hair well into her 70s, she will still get old. Her husband, named Kurt, will not age at all. The lesson here: People named Kurt do not age. People named Goldie do, but don't accept it. They may even consider trying to eat small children in their never ending quest to appear youthful.

Posted by 1 comment:

Disco Queen



Drew Barrymore looks like she came directly to the Golden Globes after having just crawled out from under a banquette at Studio 54, where she'd been passed out since 1981. Maybe that was the look she was going for. If so...NAILED IT!

Posted by 1 comment:

Curvy Blake



Blake Lively had a baby not that long ago. She looks phenomenal. She should stop dieting now, because she's curvy and beautiful. She looks better than any of us who have not had babies in the past 6-12 months. Here is my observation about Blake on the red carpet...Blake's dress tells me that she is not at her goal weight and isn't excited about it. First it's black. Second, it has those gold pockets so she can rest her hands on her hips, which is a very slimming pose. Her hands were stuck in that position on the red carpet. I dare you to find a photo of her posing without her hands on her hips. I think she looks gorgeous, you think she does too. I'm not sure that she does.
Posted by 1 comment:

Um...No...



Sarah Jessica Parker once played Annie on Broadway and now it looks like she's auditioning to play Heidi in "Heidi of the Alps Get's Married". But the problem is that SJP is 51 years old and I hate to say this, but her face looks 50, her decolletage looks 50, but her hair and her dress are trying hard to be a millenial from Switzerland and it's just really confusing.

Posted by 1 comment:

Priyanka's Golden Globes



OK this is my 3rd post of the night and I've already referred to boobs as Golden Globes twice. Feminism is alive in my living room right now. But for real though. Priyanka's breasts are perfect, her face is perfect, her dress is perfect. Have you heard her accent? It's perfect too. I can't stop crushing on her.
Posted by 2 comments:

Who is that?!



Brie Larson won everything last year. Then she fell off the face of the Earth. She's back at this year's Golden Globes as a presenter and I didn't recognize her at all. My exact thought when I saw her picture was "Who the F is that?" She got a new face since we last saw her...or just some new eyeliner and lipstick...or a new face. I like her dress, but I'm too distracted by her new face to really pay much attention.
Posted by No comments:

My Globes are Golden


Award season has officially begun...er, well, it officially began at the Critic's Choice awards in December, but nobody was really paying attention back then. So now, we will unofficially officially start award season, which I love. Golden Globes are always my favorite, because there's a lot of booze and there's a nice mix of TV and movies. People are drunk, hungry, and ready to party.

I will be posting all night tonight- reactions about the awards, dresses, speeches, etc. Keep refreshing or coming back, there's going to be a ton of posts tonight.
Posted by No comments:

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Shit Happens

OH HELL TO THE NO, MARIAH!!!
The Queen of Christmas, Mariah Carey, needs more money. Her holiday cash cow has come and gone and that yacht isn't going to pay for itself. So what's a girl to do? Infiltrate the next holiday, of course. But the Fat Baby of New Years was having none of that shit. Homegirl stole Christmas from Santa, but she sure as hell wasn't going to steal a night of overhyped drunken debauchery from him.

So Fat Baby had no choice but to sabotage Mariah's Times Square performance by messing with her ear piece so she couldn't hear the lyrics of the songs to which she planned to lip sync. He'd get her good. She'll look like a blubbering idiot and she'll never touch New Years Eve again.


The problem is that even though Mariah's performance was a bigger bomb than Hillary in November (too soon?), Mariah herself has prevailed. Everyone is talking about her. She's the most famous person of 2017 so far. She collected her fat check and walked away back to her fabulous yacht. And then she had the insight to post an gif to twitter that trolled us all. She gives zero shits! Bravo, Mariah!!! I hereby declare you the Queen of New Years!! Watch your back Cupid...you are no match for her sexy lingerie and remake of "My Endless Love"
Posted by No comments:
Subscribe to: Comments (Atom)