Friday, December 16, 2016

Mariah Owns Christmas



 If you thought that the baby Jesus or Santa Claus owned Christmas you were wrong. It is 100% governed and reigned over by none other than Mariah Carey. Our beautiful Christmas Queen with the voice of an angel. Mariah has been EVERYWHERE this holiday season. Now that she is no longer engaged to a billionaire, girlfriend needs to bring home the bacon to keep up with the lavish lifestyle of which she has become accustomed. Her new music is definitely not making her any money, but the residuals she makes from her Christmas music definitely is. So for 4-5 weeks from November to December, we are blessed with Mariah's pushed up boobs and tight dresses and bodysuits. Before long we will be reading stories to our children about a beautiful butterfly named Mariah who delivers presents to all the children in a sleigh pulled by 12 back up dancers. Mariah joined James Corden in his car last night to sing the world's most beloved Christmas carol, "All I Want for Christmas Is You." I love how Mariah doesn't ever move her head. She keeps her head tilted in a way to capture her best angle and never diverts from that position. I want to say that it takes great commitment and strength to stay so still, but I'm pretty sure she is stuck in one spot due to the massive amounts of lycra, underwires, spandex, spray tanner, and hairspray that are on her body.

 Along with Mariah, Corden asked his other guests to join in a sing-along. It really shows off which singers can hold a tune (Adele, Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato) and which really can't (I'm looking at you Gwen Stefani and Coldplay guy). The Red Hot Chili Peppers didn't even try to sing along, they just snapped. I, too, had a sing along with Mariah in my car today. Despite me only knowing half the words to the song, I still sounded amazing. If you consider the sound of a broken accordion being played by a seizing wombat amazing.

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