Coming to a local fairground near you...

You may not know this about me, but I've been to a Boyz II Men concert and even had floor seats...like 5th row or something amazing like that. Which means, I am pretty much best friends with B2M (that's what all their besties call them). It was a good show. I may have cried when they sang "I'll make love to you" directly to me.

B2M have announced that they will be touring this year with NKOTB (I bet they are regretting every referring to themselves as kids in the title of their group) and the drugged out ghost of Paula Abdul. This should be good. I can't wait to scream with all my closest mid 30 to early 40 year old friends.

**I've noticed from that pic that Bass isn't in B2M anymore. Maybe he was taking the picture. Or maybe it was Jon from NKOTB that was taking the picture. Who in the hell was taking that picture and what happened to Jon and Bass?? They can't sing Step by Step without Jon- he plays an integral part in singing about Step 5 (don't you know that the time is riiiiiggghht?). And The End of The Road without Bass's rambling diatribe is not worth listening to.

The grossest thing you'll read all day...

Embed from Getty Images

Tony Bennett is 90 years old. His gold-digging third wife, Susan, is 50. They've been married since 2007 and I bet that Mrs. Bennett wakes up every day wondering if today will be the day that she becomes a very wealthy widow. I know what you are all thinking- that I have a dark, dark soul. Yes, that is true. However, a woman in her early 40's does not marry a man in his 80's because she wants to grow old with him. She wants him to grow old, die, and then she can have his money while she is still in the prime of her life.

If that didn't make your insides feel sad, then this definitely will...Susan's parents were big Tony Bennett fans back in the 60s when Tony was 40. They met him after one of his shows once and took a picture with him. At the time, Susan was just a mere fetus in her her mom's womb. Tony now jokes that he met her before she was even born...when he was 40...but it gets better... 19 years later in the mid-80's when Susan should have been listening to The Cure, Tears for Fears, or even Prince, she was instead acting as president of the Bay Area Tony Bennett Fan Club in San Francisco. She met him after one of his shows and he asked her on a date. They dated for 20 years before they finally got married in 2007. God damn, this whole story is 10 shades of wrong.

Barron Trump is not impressed

Barron Trump is a modern day Ritchie Rich. He has a gold living room in which he rides his pet lion. The kid is no joke. So in the wee hours of November 9th when he was told that he had to move to a

new, government subsidized house he was less than enthused. Gone are the days of his fancy, gilded jet. Instead of vacationing in Palm Beach or one of his father's other 3 mansions scattered about the country, he will be forced to retreat to a secluded cabin in Maryland. How quaint. Good luck with your new, simple life, Barron. I'm sure you won't be the only one to pray that it only lasts 4 years.

Michelle's Send-Off

Michelle O and her amazing biceps came out to say hello one last time as the First Lady and First Biceps of the USA. I will miss them both dearly. Michelle is all class and I think she'll do alright after she is no longer living in the White House. I hope she keeps motivating young women with some sort of public platform...say maybe Senator or Congresswoman. Obama/Biceps 2020!!!

I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!!!!!

I agree with you Jessie Spano, I'm not sure if I should be turned on or petrified by this photo of Zack Morris/Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Holy shit, based on the look on his face he may either hit me in the teeth with that baseball or kick that helmet through my chest or both. But putting that aside, his body is ripped and I am easily distracted by shiny things...like his pecs.

Zack-Mark-Paul will be playing a baseball player in a new show called "A man in his 40's has to juice to get muscles that large"...haha, that's true, but it's not the name of the show...it's actually called "The Pitch" which is another name for the steroid cocktail that Zack-Mark-Paul was taking to get a body like that, because we all know that a man's testosterone level drops 1% each year after the age of 30.

Everytime a bell rings a Duggar loses her virginity...

Well folks, there are a lot of Duggars and they seem to be getting married at a frenzied pace, because crazy, sexist, backwoods, religions zealots don't make themselves. Nope, you are either kidnapped or born into the Duggar's religion.

Jinger Duggar got married to that dopey looking guy in the photo to the left this past week. She is now in Australia on her honeymoon getting her down under kangaroo'd if you catch my drift. Look at her goddamn hair. That is some serious sex mat going on. She's so high on love that she didn't even bother to brush it. Why bother, her newly de-virginized husband who is at his sexual peak is just going to mess it up again.

Because the Duggars think we care (we do), Jinger and Dopey sent us a video telling us how much fun (read: sex) they are having and to thank fans for their well wishes.

Let's talk a second about the Duggars shall we? First off, Jinger has the worst name. She is the 4th Duggar daughter and I know this without even having to look it up and that makes me feel a lot of self hatred and loathing. What's important about being the 4th daughter is that there were still a TON of J names left from which to choose. Her older sisters are Jana, Jill, and Jessa...again, I didn't have to look that up...sad face. But instead they chose Jinger. Even Ginger is bad (sorry to any Gingers reading this, you are probably lovely on the inside and out), but with a J, that is just unforgivable.

Second, is that for people who don't really work, they sure are going on an expensive honeymoon. Jeremy (Dopey's real name) used to play professional soccer, but was released in 2014. He has been a pastor since. Jinger's main job is organizing the clothes for the rest of her family when they go on vacation, a job she inherited from Jessa when she got married. It pays exactly zero dollars per hour. So maybe JimBob is financing this. Or maybe they are using the monetary gifts from the 1000 people they invited to their wedding to help fund their trip. Poor Jill only got to go to North Carolina for her honeymoon, while Jessa went to Paris. I suspect that they are trying to pay Jinger back for giving her such a shitty name.

PopCrush is Back

Hi Everyone. I took a little break while I was wrapped up like a tater tot in bacon with the final stretch of the campaign. Now that that shitstorm is over and the fact that we will be ruled by an impetuous Cheeto for the next four years has sunk in a bit, I'm seeking refuge in making fun of celebrities again.

Embed from Getty Images

Embed from Getty Images

I have nothing to actually make fun of here. Harry is happily dating Pippa-lite and told the British press to slow their roll and leave her alone or he wasn't going to play nice with them. I love it when Harry dresses in his military costumes, he looks so cute...especially with all those ginger whiskers. HOT. He was at a military ceremony with old Prince Phillip, who in his heydey was a fox.

Oh, hello, Handsome

I talked about watching The Crown a few weeks ago. It was released on Netflix last week and it's sooooo good. If you are an anglophile who loves Royal Family gossip and history, it scratches that itch for sure. It starts in the late 1940's on the eve of Princess Elizabeth Windsor's wedding to Phillip Mountbatten. It focuses on their early marriage and Elizabeth's accession to the throne. The acting is great, but the scenery and the detail of the fashion and palaces and jewels is exquisite. I'm only a few episodes in and can't wait to watch more. I'm savoring it slowly.

Stuff That Happened This Week...

While you were staring at a mostly red electoral college map, other things were happening. Let me catch you up...

1. Nick and Vanessa Lachey share a birthday. November 9th. That seems like a bad omen. I don't want to share my special day with anyone, much less my husband. I already share my wedding anniversary with him, that's about as charitable as I can get. Oh, and that photo of the Lacheys...you will never unsee it. You're welcome. Nick looks terrified.










2. Brad Pitt showed up at the Allied premiere, despite not doing any other press. He also stepped out earlier in the week for a private screening of a movie that his production company, Plan B, produced. He brought Julia Roberts as a security blanket that night. He braved it alone to the Allied premiere, but maybe he's wearing Julia's t-shirt under his tux so her smell will soothe him. She has that affect on A-list actors. Is it too soon to say that being accused by your soon to be ex-wife of being a drunkard who possibly endangers his children's lives has not affected his looks. Yes folks, I'm rotting slowly from the inside out.

Embed from Getty Images

3. Audrina Patridge got married to her BMX riding fiance and the world said, "Who?"

4. Taylor Swift and Drake are rumored to be dating. I don't think they are. I would totally endorse it, but I think she'd be better of just having an incognito sexual relationship with him. T. Swift doesn't do incognito, so that will never happen. There has been much innuendo between to two, but I suspect that he's playing some role in a song on her next album. Tay and Dray are both Apple darlings. They know where the money is and they know how to play the game. Rumors are free publicity and word on the street is Tay Tay will be dropping an album soon.

Embed from Getty Images

SnapChat 4 Eva

Demi Moore wants to stay young forever. So she's done what any reasonable adult woman would do. She dressed in overalls with a bright yellow turtleneck mixed with a jean jacket and flower crown. She looks like a Snapchat filter on top and a Sesame Street extra on bottom.

Demi, just because you go to Michael's craft store and buy fake silk to fashion into a crown, does not mean that you will have the lovely glow of the Flower Crown snap chat filter. It doesn't work that way. And just because you dress like a pre-schooler, does not mean that people will perceive you as a younger age. They WILL perceive you as mentally ill.

Embed from Getty Images

Harry has a new girlfriend and it's not you...

...sadface. Sorry ladies, Hot Harry is spoken for and she's American, which means...it could have been you. You totally had a chance, because it seems as though Harry has a thing for us Yanks.
Here she is at Wimbledon...

Embed from Getty Images

and here she is at some other outing where her picture was taken...

Embed from Getty Images

She's cute, right? And sorta looks like Pippa. Which means, Harry has the hots for Pippa, but since it's weird to date your sister-in-law's sister, he just found a girl who looked like her and presto...everyone wins!! The new girlfriend's name is Meghan Markle, but Harry just calls her Pipps, because that's a cute little term of endearment that the Brits use ALL the time and has nothing to do with his crush on a certain Middleton sister. Anyhoo, Pippa Jr is an actress in a show you've never seen called Suits. She lives in Toronto and the two lovebirds have been secretly visiting each other for months. She was at Wimbledon in July which means they were totally doing sexay times back then, obvi. She apparently spent his birthday weekend with him in Balmoral in September. Her half sister is already giving interviews saying that she is "narcissistic and selfish"...of course she is, she's an actress. I can't wait to see how she fits into the royal family!!!

Gisele Bundchen is a monster

Embed from Getty Images

Gisele Bundchen doesn't just wake up looking like a million bucks. No, it takes years and years of deprivation, lots of exercise, fillers, botox, and a secret Parisian plastic surgeon in addition to being Brazilian and having good genes. Gisele and Tom do not put sugary, flour, dairy, caffeine, alcohol into their bodies. Which basically means there is little joy in their lives. Tom doesn't even eat strawberries. I can't forgive him for that.

Gisele allowed her little precious angel children to go trick or treating this year, because they are red blooded Americans and it's a rule that they shall go house to house and beg for candy once a year. Gisele made sure that the world knew that they were not just any normal family- no, her kids were allowed to eat one piece of candy, but were forced to give the rest away, because kids who eat sugar are demons. Don't worry though, her kids were totes fine with it, because they don't really enjoy sugar anyway, because they are never eat it in their diets. And she's a perfect, non-judgemental mother who would never be grossed out by another mom at the playground plying her kids with fruit snacks so they stop whining. Never.

Gisele, I think you are a monster and we could never be friends.

Beyonce Wins at Country

Earlier in the week, Beyonce dressed up as a Black Barbie. Last night she dressed up like a country music star...and it looked gooooood on her. It was announced yesterday afternoon that she would be singing her song "Daddy Issues" from her album, Lemonade, on the CMAs with none other than the Dixie Chicks. There were a lot of people who were not excited about Bey infiltrating the CMAs. Why? Because people are racist and they cloak their racism in lots of different outfits, but at the end of the day, Beyonce, a girl with deep southern roots who wrote an album with deep southern roots, is too black for the CMAs. My fave website, Lainey Gossip, has an great post about the significance of her performance and her choice of partnering with the Dixie Chicks. CLICK HERE to read.

Beyonce Wins at Halloween (and life)

In a world filled with girls dressing like hos for Halloween, who will save us from looking at celebrities dressed like uninspired skanks??? BEYONCE!!! Of course she will.

Beyonce wins Halloween this year for lots of reasons:
1. She dressed like Black Barbie, complete with a box
2a. She forced Jay-Z to dress like Black Ken and he obliged b. after Lemonade, I think Jay-Z has a lot of making up to do, so this was probably part of that).
3. She also dressed like Salt and Peppa with Blue and her mother. Amazing
4. She dressed Jay-Z up like Dwayne Wayne from A Different World (or maybe he came up with it himself
5. She has clean enough floors that it's not gross that her kid is eating off of hers.
6. Her ass looks good in red spandex

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 31, 2016 at 9:50pm PDT

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 31, 2016 at 9:50pm PDT

A video posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Oct 30, 2016 at 8:30pm PDT

Grandmother- in-law-of-the-sister-of-the-bridezilla

Pippa Middleton is engaged to be married a homely, rich, Brit named James Matthews. The anticipated wedding date is sometimes in the spring or early summer of next year. Since Pippa and her tight buns were such amazing helpers at Kate's wedding, it only seems natural that Kate and her tight buns would get to help out at Pippa's as the matron of honor.

Embed from Getty Images

NOT SO FAST!!! Queen Lizzie don't like that. Not one bit. Lizzie knows that this is going to be a spectacle with lots of hangers on attending. She definitely does not want Kate, the future Queen of England, working as Pippa's maid on her wedding day. I'm sure when it was brought up, Queen Lizzie gave a quick "Aw, HELLS NO" in her poshest British accent. She has also apparently shot down any member of the royal family other than Will and Kate attending the wedding. That includes little George and Charlotte. Future Kings don't bear rings for others. Future Kings have their rings KISSED by others. Sorry, George and Charlotte- you will have to have a dance party to Love Shack all by your selves and pretend you are drunk at a wedding reception like the rest of us.

Watch This (NSFW)

I've never been accused of being cutting edge. Here is an example...I'm telling you to watch a movie that was released in theaters on May 24th. That movie is called Popstar and it is hilarious. I'm just telling you about it now because I finally got around to listen to a Fresh Air podcast of Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, and Jorma Taccone when they were promoting it. The planets aligned perfectly, because Popstar happened to be on on-demand, so I didn't even need to leave my house to find it at a Redbox...or travel back in time to go to a Blockbuster.

Andy, Akiva, and Jorma are actually childhood friends who now have a group called Lonely Island. FYI- Lonely Island songs were featured on SNL because Jorma and Akiva were writers when Andy was in the SNL cast. The three play childhood friends who form a successful boy band, but Samberg's character goes solo and becomes a huge popstar. The movie chronicles the release of his second album and the subsequent tour. There are many inappropriate jokes and many more inappropriate songs. I eat inappropriateness up with a spoon, so of course, I was all in with this movie. I giggled like a school girl for its entirety.

Destiny's Teenager

Embed from Getty Images

The internet exploded for a second this week when Destiny's Child started their official Instagram account. Destiny's Child last released a record in 2005- it was their greatest hits album. You know it was Michelle Williams, sitting at home with nothing to do who started this page just so she could have a place to post old pictures of herself. I don't see Queen Bey going back to her girl band of yesteryear.

Stuff that Happened this week

Embed from Getty Images

1. Last week Kayne West had the sads because Jay-Z isn't a good friend these days. Well, it turns out that the reason why Jay-Z has been showing him the cold shoulder is because of Beyonce. Looks like Kanye has 99 problems and the Bey is one. Queen Bey has nothing in common with Kim and doesn't want to hang out with her. I mean, Kim has to take her OWN selfies, while Bey has her own film crew documenting every second of her life. Kim has to archive her photos on instagram or snapchat, whereas Beyonce has her own hermetically sealed chamber in her home where she archives all of her photos and film. So basically the only difference these two have is that Beyonce's vanity is waaaay more high class than Kim's

 2. Tom Cruise has a new woman. She is British and apparently totally "normal." If by normal you mean, super into a guy who wears lifts in his shoes and totally down with being hooked up to computers for hours in a dark room while being brainwashed into religious submission, then ya...she's is just like me and you.

A photo posted by Keith Urban (@keithurban) on Oct 26, 2016 at 2:26pm PDT

3. The other day I posted that there were rumors about a possible break up between Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Well, my tears whet the palate of the angels of matrimony which made their taste buds sing into the ears of Keith Urban who posted a photo on Instagram to let me know that all was ok at Casa Urbman. That makes zero sense, but it titilates all of the senses.

Embed from Getty Images

4. Here is Tara Reid's Halloween costume. You will never be able to unsee this. Sorry.

Magical butterflies do NOT get dumped...

Embed from Getty Images

Another day, another post about Mariah Carey. Our favorite, magical butterfly has reportedly been dumped by her billionaire fiance, James Packer. He apparently dropped her to the curb because of her outlandish spending. James is filthy rich, which automatically means that he can get any lady he wants. When your net worth reaches a certain level, women see Brad Pitt's 1990s/early2000's face and Chris Hemsworth's hotty body when they look at you. He'll be ok. But what will happen to Mariah? She needs to maintain a certain lifestyle or she will wilt and die. Her new music certainly isn't enough to keep that lifestyle alive. She has been allowed to keep her $10 million ring, so she can always pawn that to get through a few months until she can find a new, wealthy man to pay her rent on her private plane.

Mariah has a new holiday

Embed from Getty Images

You may not know this about Mariah Carey, but she owns Christmas. "No, No, Beth" you say, "Santa own's Christmas. Doi, everyone knows that." Oh you guys are so sweet and naive. Nope, Mariah Carey purchased the rights to Christmas in the 90s with the royalties from "All I Want For Christmas is You". Now she owns it and part of her ownership agreement allows her to perform at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting special each year and to dress like a slutty Mrs. Claus for the entire month of December. But now, it looks like Mariah needs more holidays. One is not enough for our special butterfly, so she's naturally taken over Halloween. Because #sluttycostumes. Of course she skipped right over Thanksgiving. Mimi doesn't ever want to be associated with eating food or fat turkeys. Mariah had a Halloween party this weekend- 2 weeks early so she could be the first. She dressed as her favorite Halloween character: A slutty flying devil. She's throwing some major shade at that skinny girl playing the piano. I'm sure she was thrown out shortly after this photo was taken. Mariah doesn't allow for people to be skinnier than her in her presence. Always the philanthropist, Mariah hired her ex-husband, Nick Cannon, to DJ at the party AND look after her kids. Mariah is a slutty flying devil with a heart of gold.

Embed from Getty Images

Girl's Halloween

When you are a mature woman, Halloween can be a bit of a downer...amiright, ladies?! You're too old and have too many stretch marks to go as a slutty girl scout or a slutty astronaut. Your paleo diet totally frowns on eating 16 pounds of sugar in one night. Going to a Halloween party probably means staying up past 9 and I turn into a pumpkin if I'm not in my jammies by 9pm...and it's not even a slutty pumpkin, it's just a big, orange, fat pumpkin with retin-A smeared all over its face to prevent wrinkles. That's why it's fun to have a quiet night with close friends, wearing low-key costumes, and getting dinner and hanging out with other mature, responsible adults. It's super important to proclaim to all of your friends that you aren't even going to drink that night, because you don't need alcohol to have a good time. Announcing it to the Gods will never, ever lead you to sit on the side of the road with your genitalia flapping in the breeze or to puke in your pizza. Take it from me...I know*.

*To my knowledge I have never sat beside the road with my genitalia flapping in the breeze. I can say this with 75% confidence.  Sorry, mom.