Andy, Akiva, and Jorma are actually childhood friends who now have a group called Lonely Island. FYI- Lonely Island songs were featured on SNL because Jorma and Akiva were writers when Andy was in the SNL cast. The three play childhood friends who form a successful boy band, but Samberg's character goes solo and becomes a huge popstar. The movie chronicles the release of his second album and the subsequent tour. There are many inappropriate jokes and many more inappropriate songs. I eat inappropriateness up with a spoon, so of course, I was all in with this movie. I giggled like a school girl for its entirety.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Watch This (NSFW)
Andy, Akiva, and Jorma are actually childhood friends who now have a group called Lonely Island. FYI- Lonely Island songs were featured on SNL because Jorma and Akiva were writers when Andy was in the SNL cast. The three play childhood friends who form a successful boy band, but Samberg's character goes solo and becomes a huge popstar. The movie chronicles the release of his second album and the subsequent tour. There are many inappropriate jokes and many more inappropriate songs. I eat inappropriateness up with a spoon, so of course, I was all in with this movie. I giggled like a school girl for its entirety.
Destiny's Teenager
The internet exploded for a second this week when Destiny's Child started their official Instagram account. Destiny's Child last released a record in 2005- it was their greatest hits album. You know it was Michelle Williams, sitting at home with nothing to do who started this page just so she could have a place to post old pictures of herself. I don't see Queen Bey going back to her girl band of yesteryear.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Stuff that Happened this week
1. Last week Kayne West had the sads because Jay-Z isn't a good friend these days. Well, it turns out that the reason why Jay-Z has been showing him the cold shoulder is because of Beyonce. Looks like Kanye has 99 problems and the Bey is one. Queen Bey has nothing in common with Kim and doesn't want to hang out with her. I mean, Kim has to take her OWN selfies, while Bey has her own film crew documenting every second of her life. Kim has to archive her photos on instagram or snapchat, whereas Beyonce has her own hermetically sealed chamber in her home where she archives all of her photos and film. So basically the only difference these two have is that Beyonce's vanity is waaaay more high class than Kim's
3. The other day I posted that there were rumors about a possible break up between Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Well, my tears whet the palate of the angels of matrimony which made their taste buds sing into the ears of Keith Urban who posted a photo on Instagram to let me know that all was ok at Casa Urbman. That makes zero sense, but it titilates all of the senses.
Magical butterflies do NOT get dumped...
Another day, another post about Mariah Carey. Our favorite, magical butterfly has reportedly been dumped by her billionaire fiance, James Packer. He apparently dropped her to the curb because of her outlandish spending. James is filthy rich, which automatically means that he can get any lady he wants. When your net worth reaches a certain level, women see Brad Pitt's 1990s/early2000's face and Chris Hemsworth's hotty body when they look at you. He'll be ok. But what will happen to Mariah? She needs to maintain a certain lifestyle or she will wilt and die. Her new music certainly isn't enough to keep that lifestyle alive. She has been allowed to keep her $10 million ring, so she can always pawn that to get through a few months until she can find a new, wealthy man to pay her rent on her private plane.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Mariah has a new holiday
You may not know this about Mariah Carey, but she owns Christmas. "No, No, Beth" you say, "Santa own's Christmas. Doi, everyone knows that." Oh you guys are so sweet and naive. Nope, Mariah Carey purchased the rights to Christmas in the 90s with the royalties from "All I Want For Christmas is You". Now she owns it and part of her ownership agreement allows her to perform at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting special each year and to dress like a slutty Mrs. Claus for the entire month of December. But now, it looks like Mariah needs more holidays. One is not enough for our special butterfly, so she's naturally taken over Halloween. Because #sluttycostumes. Of course she skipped right over Thanksgiving. Mimi doesn't ever want to be associated with eating food or fat turkeys. Mariah had a Halloween party this weekend- 2 weeks early so she could be the first. She dressed as her favorite Halloween character: A slutty flying devil. She's throwing some major shade at that skinny girl playing the piano. I'm sure she was thrown out shortly after this photo was taken. Mariah doesn't allow for people to be skinnier than her in her presence. Always the philanthropist, Mariah hired her ex-husband, Nick Cannon, to DJ at the party AND look after her kids. Mariah is a slutty flying devil with a heart of gold.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Girl's Halloween
*To my knowledge I have never sat beside the road with my genitalia flapping in the breeze. I can say this with 75% confidence. Sorry, mom.
Friday, October 21, 2016
A Tom Cruise Filmography
The Next Angelina Jolie
Sweet lord there is so much to say, but much of it has been said already by Michael K at dlisted. CLICK HERE to link over there, you will not be disappointed. Briefly, Lindsay is now living in Turkey...or Greece...It's not clear where she lives. She has a nightclub in Greece, but talks about Turkey like it's her home. She has set out to help the Syrian refugees in Turkey by giving them free samples of her new organic health drinks. They will then be directed to their local Whole Foods to purchase more should they ever become thirsty again. You see guys, Lindsay knows ALL about religious persecution, because this one time she was walking down the street in New York and carrying the Koran and people were really mean and horrible to her. So she moved to Turkey where everyone is nice and women are free. Lindsay's borderline personality is so strong that she can even split countries- I love you Turkey, I hate you US. Trust me...she'll be back.
The above video is a paiiinnnfffulllll interview of a very self-serious Lindsay who looks and sounds like she sleeps in an ashtray. She also seems to be working her "White female playing a Middle Eastern female in a high school play" accent hard. I made it as far as 1:59 before I stopped. A Deepak Chopra name drop does it to me every time.
Stuff that Happened This Week
1. Victoria Beckham has designed a line of clothing for Target. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I hope she sells me this gorgeous orange dress and I only have to pay $34.99 for it.
2. Jennifer Lawrence continued her sexual march through all the directors in Hollywood by sleeping..er, I mean dating Darren Aronfsky. You know what they say about a guy with 4 (5 if you count y) consecutive consonants in his last name? Don't marry him and take his last name because it's impossible to pronounce.
3. Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Judge Judy, and Carrie Fisher were all born today. That is quite the birthday group. 50% of whom have seen Kanye West naked.
4. Speaking of Kanye. He has the sads because his best boyfriend, Jay-Z, hasn't been nice to him lately and doesn't bring Blue Ivy over to play and didn't come visit after Kim was robbed in Paris. Sadye.
5. The World's hottest pregnant woman, Kerry Washington, announced the birth of her baby boy. The birth occurred earlier in the month, but because Kerry is a secret, undercover, ninja the world was unaware. Her son is named, Caleb, which makes her the most boring celebrity in the world in addition to the the hottest non-pregnant pregnant woman.
6. Tobey Maguire and his wife are getting divorced. Knock knock. Who's there? Who. Who Who? Who who cares about Tobey Maguire.
Who's your Daddy?
In other Hot Harry news, he recorded a video for Heads Together, a charity he runs with Will and Kate to bring awareness about mental illness. Watch the whole thing to hear his cute little giggle at the end. Giggle + Posh accent + Ginger = too much for my heart to handle. Call me, Harry.
Battle of the Florals
Queen Letizia of Spain made a big fashion faux pas this week. She wore a dress with red flowers on it the same week that another royal person did. AAAAHHHHHHH!! Shock!! Horror!!! Sacre Bleu!!!! The Daily Mail is accusing her of copying Kate. Uhhh, last time I checked, Queen Letizia is a QUEEN. Kate is just a Duchess. She's not even really a princess officially unless you consider having your husband's name as part of your official princess title... Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. Queen Letizia is too busy being a queen and hanging out with other Queens like Queen Latifa and Queen Liliuokalani to pay attention to what Baroness Carrickfergus across the way in England is wearing. Which is lovely, by the way, though I wish it were mid shin or floor length. The current length looks weird with the shoes. Queen Letizia is always stunning and doesn't get enough credit as being a style icon like Carrickfergus.
Justin Bieber is a dink.
Above is a real photo of real human women fawning over a wax sculpture of Justin Bieber at Madame Tussard's in London. They struck this pose just after doing a dance number in front of him.
I'm sure it's pretty identical to an actual Bieber concert. A sweaty, waxy, dead eyed Justin stands there while people dance around him. He's been on his Purpose World Tour now since what seems like 2010. This was supposed to be his salvation tour, his come back. He was naughty, but now he is nice. He wasn't sorry, but now he is. Justin is clearly over it and could give two shitakes if he has any fans by the time this tour is complete (its anticipated culmination is sometime in mid 2019). Earlier this week Justin told fans that they were "obnoxious" because they were screaming throughout the whole concert. Last night he told fans to stay as quiet as possible during a few of his ballads and then got pissed when people were yelling as he was trying to talk. JESUS, does he think he's doing a poetry reading at his local Barnes and Nobel or is he playing pop music to 13 year olds at a sold out stadium? He's really the biggest dink right? I know lots of 20 something former pop stars who would do anything to be on a 17 year world tour. Aaron Carter will happily take your place in a heartbeat, you little, whiny, baby. He needs to just quietly retire. Sorry, Friends to the North, but he's all yours and you can take him back now.
If you want to read a FABULOUS article about Bieber, Caity Weaver (who is hilarious by the way...) wrote an interesting and very observant piece about him for GQ Magazine. CLICK HERE to read.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Michelle O-Yeah-Bama
Oh Michelle O. I will miss you so!!! Can't she just stick around as First Best Girlfriend after Barry leaves the White House? Come on...pleeeeassse? I love her so much. The Prime Minister of Italy, Matteo Renzi, is visiting the United States for the final White House State Dinner of the Obama Presidency. Michelle pulled out all the stops in a sparkly Versace number in rose gold. It is a gorgeous dress and looks gorgeous on her. Love her. Will Bill wear a sexy Versace at his first White House State Dinner? Probably not, but there is a 100% chance that he will hit on a young girl wearing a Versace who is attendance.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Douche-Bag of the Year
Let's be honest. Casper Smart is the Douche Bag of the Year. There is nothing not douchey about him. His face, his hair (or lack there of it- he look douchey bald too), his clothes, his goddamn sunglasses in a press line. DOUCHE BAG!!! Let's add one more qualifier to this list...homeboy gold-digger cheated on his main piece, J.Lo...more than once!!!! Jesus!!!! He apparently cheated on her two years ago, but because she has a soft spot for homely men who treat her poorly (I'm looking at you Mark Anthony), she forgave him. After the second round of infidelities, J.Lo finally wised up and kicked his sorry ass out. God, that's so depressing for her. She is gorgeous, has an amazing body, rich, doesn't seem like a total asshole, but there has to be something wrong with her synapses, because she has the absolute worst taste in men. When Ben Affleck is your BEST ex, you may need to do some serious course correction with your choice of boyfriend.
Now that J.Lo is single again though, let's find her a new guy...
1. Back with Ben. He's a hot mess too, but they were AWESOME together.
2. Brad...I don't think she's kinky enough to follow up crazy Angie.
3. Prince Harry. He needs a cougar, she needs to be in the Royal family. Perfect. Imagine J.Lo and Kate as sisters-in-laws!!??!??
4. A rich, attractive tech guy- do they make those?
5. Jake Gyllenhall
6. Drake. Sexy. Yes.
7. Jamie Foxx, but he's maybe with Kate...
8. OMG...just thought of this...TOM CRUISE!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS. However, it will never happen bc J.Lo is best friends with Leah Rimini who Tom Cruise would rather see murdered than see in real life, so there is zero percent chance they would ever hook up.
Bey-Robot
Beyonce performed at the Tidal: Give Us Money, We Need It concert this weekend. During the show, her earring caught on her braid and ripped out. Sasha Fierce didn't even pause. She just kept right on signing. Even she seemed surprised that there was real human blood coming out of her body. When you have been practicing choreography in your living room for hours upon hours since the age of fetus while Daddy Knowles yells out 8 counts, you do not feel pain and you definitely don't stop to regroup when part of your earlobe has been traumatically severed. Keep. On. Performing!!!!
She really puts the LIE in Kylie...
Kylie Jenner has had quite a transformation in the past 5 years. She has constantly denied ever having had plastic surgery, instead claiming that her body transformation has been due to gaining weight and make up. Though she did cop to have lip injections once, she has never mentioned it again. Kylie was recently interviewed on her app and was totes honest, guys...
No butt implants: “[I haven’t had] ass implants. You know, I used to be 120 [lbs.]. I was really skinny. Now I’m pushing like 136. But it’s alright, I like the chunkiness. I don’t really think I have the fattest ass, but I know my angles.”
No breast implants: “They’re not big. I’ve thought about [getting breast implants], but I’m like, why ruin it? I have really good boobs naturally and they’re a cute little size. I’m not against it, but right now, it’s a no from me.”
No cheek or jaw reconstructive surgery. “People starting saying that [when] I was like 16. You think Kris Jenner, at 16 years old, would let me get cheek and jaw reconstructive surgery? Nah. I always used to love my jaw – I never was self-conscious about my jaw.”
No nose job. “I didn’t get a nose job. I’ve always had a cute nose. I’ve really always liked my nose.”
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhttt. Look Kylie, don't piss on my feet and tell me it's raining, you have a NEW FACE!! But let's break this down shall we.
1. No, she doesn't have butt implants. Butt implants are so 2001. She most definitely has fat transfer injections. This much I know is true. All the other Kardashians have had it too.
2. Bitch please, 136 pounds is not chunky. Sit down and stop demeaning every American woman who weighs more than that. Ugh, I can't with this girl.
3. I don't know about her boobs, I'm too distracted by her Bratz doll face to pay attention to her boobs.
4. I think she's not lying about her jaw reconstruction. It looks about the same. She is lying about Kris Jenner letting her get surgery at age 16. Khloe has said that her mother was trying to get her to have a nose job while in her teens...so there's that...
5. Bullshit on the nose job. There is no way she didn't have a nose job. She must think we all walk around with crisco smeared over our eyes. Actually, since people buy her blue lipstick, that may actually be true of her fans.
Scroll through the pics below to see the total facial transplant...er I mean subtle changes of Kylie's face between 2011 and 2016.
No butt implants: “[I haven’t had] ass implants. You know, I used to be 120 [lbs.]. I was really skinny. Now I’m pushing like 136. But it’s alright, I like the chunkiness. I don’t really think I have the fattest ass, but I know my angles.”
No breast implants: “They’re not big. I’ve thought about [getting breast implants], but I’m like, why ruin it? I have really good boobs naturally and they’re a cute little size. I’m not against it, but right now, it’s a no from me.”
No cheek or jaw reconstructive surgery. “People starting saying that [when] I was like 16. You think Kris Jenner, at 16 years old, would let me get cheek and jaw reconstructive surgery? Nah. I always used to love my jaw – I never was self-conscious about my jaw.”
No nose job. “I didn’t get a nose job. I’ve always had a cute nose. I’ve really always liked my nose.”
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhttt. Look Kylie, don't piss on my feet and tell me it's raining, you have a NEW FACE!! But let's break this down shall we.
1. No, she doesn't have butt implants. Butt implants are so 2001. She most definitely has fat transfer injections. This much I know is true. All the other Kardashians have had it too.
2. Bitch please, 136 pounds is not chunky. Sit down and stop demeaning every American woman who weighs more than that. Ugh, I can't with this girl.
3. I don't know about her boobs, I'm too distracted by her Bratz doll face to pay attention to her boobs.
4. I think she's not lying about her jaw reconstruction. It looks about the same. She is lying about Kris Jenner letting her get surgery at age 16. Khloe has said that her mother was trying to get her to have a nose job while in her teens...so there's that...
5. Bullshit on the nose job. There is no way she didn't have a nose job. She must think we all walk around with crisco smeared over our eyes. Actually, since people buy her blue lipstick, that may actually be true of her fans.
Scroll through the pics below to see the total facial transplant...er I mean subtle changes of Kylie's face between 2011 and 2016.
Lohan Nightclub
Lindsay Lohan has created quite the nice life for herself in Greece. All she has to do is have sex with Greek and Russian men and they give her money. Sometimes they but off her fingers, but it's totally worth it in the end. Did I say that? Yes I did. LL's most recent venture is a part "owner" of a nightclub in Greece creatively called "Lohan Nightclub". PS- that's a horrible name. Lindsay doesn't actually own the nightclub at all. Her Greek restauranteur pal, Dennis Papageorgiou, is the owner. LL just gets part of the back end for making appearances and using her name on the sign to draw people to the club (so they can get a front row seat to view the shitstorm that is LL). The Lohan Nightclub Facebook page has 5/5 stars by 42 reviewers (who are probably all fake profiles that Lindsay created during a coke binge). There is no better place for a person with drug and alcohol abuse issues to work than a nightclub- great choice, Lindsay!!
Here is a video of Lindsay using all of her public relations skills to address the crowd of people who actually paid money to be in her club on the opening night. Stay classy, Lindsay.
Here is a video of Lindsay using all of her public relations skills to address the crowd of people who actually paid money to be in her club on the opening night. Stay classy, Lindsay.
Nifty Fifty
Sadly, if Dylan is 50, it means that AHHHndrea Zuckerman must be filling out her paperwork for medicare at this very moment. Girlfriend was pushing 30 while she working the beat for the West Beverly Blaze. (Actually per a quick google search, she is 55..so pretty close).
Big Little Lies
Have you read "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty? If not, you should. It's one of my favorites of Moriarty's. The book takes place in an upper middle class seaside community in Australia. The story focuses on three friends who all have children in Kindergarten together. The story spans the course of the school year. In the beginning you find out that that someone that they all know has died at a school fundraiser at the end of the year. The killer was at the fundraiser. The characters all know who died and some know who did it, but it isn't revealed to the readers. The story then moves to the beginning of the school year with different narrators each chapter. It's a really easy, fun read. All of her books are great, actually. Moriarty develops her characters well and they are very relatable and realistic. HBO has developed a limited series based on the book that is coming out in 2017. This appears to take place in Southern California with the main characters being played by Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, and Shailene Woodley. It looks like it's going to be goooooood!! I can't wait to binge!
Friday, October 14, 2016
Jonas V-Card
I lost my virginity to this girl named Ashley. You can probably just Google it. It's pretty easy to figure out. I dated a girl named Ashley, so just Google it to figure out which Ashley that is. It's quite the great story because I didn't have any condoms, so I went to our drummer, Jack's room, who was my roommate at the time and I demolished his room looking for them. Found them underneath his underwear drawer. When he came home, he thought somebody broke into his room because his whole room was demolished because I was in dire need. Needed to happen then and now. Safety first, kids.
Snore. What a boring story, right? It's like he took it right out of an episode of 90210 the College Years. Picture David trashing Steve's room to find a condom when it was finally time to de-virginize Donna. Steve calls the cops and hijinks ensue. The most amazing part of this whole story is that a man who has faithfully worn tight jeans for years and years can still get an erection. I'd figure that his ejection mechanism would have been squeezed to death by all that restrictive denim. And if you are wondering who Ashley is...it's Ashley Greene, of Twilight fame, who will now forever be known as the woman who holds Joe Jonas's V-card.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Coffee, Tea, or Me?
Kate Middleton went to Netherlands today for her first ever solo foreign trip. There have been rumors that Kate is being used as a diplomat by England to broker allegiances in post-Brexit Europe. Sure, ok. And my hair color is real and my license weight is exactly accurate. Anyhoo- Kate must have read the book "Everyone in Amsterdam Dresses Like Flight Attendants from the 1960s" (it's a best seller in Europe) before her trip and wanted to fit in. Well, Kate, I must say you NAILED IT!! This outfit is perfect and I hope you also have a Mad Men party to attend after work, because you will be ready for that too.
Ab-fab
Gwynnie was interviewed in her Bazaar profile by Samantha Bee. Yes, the Samantha Bee formally of the Daily Show and now on her own show Full Frontal with Samantha Bee. Have you seen her show yet? You should. It is the feminist's Daily Show and it's fantastic. Her coverage of the presidential campaign has been spot on and her delivery is hilarious. Here's a clip from her most recent show about the 2nd Debate...also known as "watching your parents, who hate each others guts, go though a divorce".
Stuff I'm Liking- October
I like stuff. Each month I will compile a list of the stuff I currently like. Ok...go...
1. My house cleaner!!! Holy crap, it's taken me years to take a sip of this kool-aid. And now that it's touched my lips, I want to drink a whole gallon, take it out to dinner, make sweet love to it, and get it pregnant. As you can see from the photo, my house is a lot of house to upkeep and pretty drafty in the winter. I came home today to a house cleaner than anything I have ever been able to accomplish. My bedroom floor is singing a joyful tune because it was mopped for the first time ever.
2. Lipstick. I love lipstick. I can't stop buying it. Here are my two favorite shades for October:
Maybelline Unlimited Raisin. Long lasting, sort of drying but not too bad. It is a liquid lipstick so does feel dry, but it didn't get cracked and didn't bleed onto my face. Plus it lasted all day at work- from 6:30 when I put it on to almost 6pm when I got home. There was some fade on the inside of my lips, but not too noticeable. I didn't reapply once. I drank coffee and water and ate breakfast and lunch without any bleed or reapplication. I would have made out with my cleaning lady, but she was long gone when I got home, but I'm assuming that it's also kiss proof!!
Urban Decay Sheer lipsticks were half of a few months ago on Hautelook and I snagged one- Sheer Rapture. Turns out they are discontinuing their former lines of lipstick for an all new line. Bummer, because this stuff is awesome. It's light, creamy, and perfectly pigmented. I think it would look good on anyone and is just the right amount of pink to flatter, but still be neutral. If you can find this on sale anywhere, I'd recommend that you scoop it up, because it's the perfect casual lipstick.
3. Loft. I ignored the Loft for years. I actually forgot about it's existence. But I've been led back and am so happy we are reunited. First of all, if you have a booty or curves, you need to look there first for your pants. Every pair of pants I've purchased has fit my curvy bod perfectly. Secondly, they have the BEST sales. Sometimes you can get 60% off sale prices and they cycle through collections frequently enough that you can get really cute, quality stuff in the sale section.
Thirdly- their prints right now are off the chart. I mean- this bird shirt!?!? I can't wait to get it on sale (I rarely buy things full price).
4. Mums and pumpkins- I want to decorate my whole house with mums and pumpkins. I want to dress my kids in mums and pumpkins. I want to eat mums and pumpkins. I love fall.
5. Speaking of fall and pumpkins and eating, I can guarantee that I have the easiest pumpkin recipe. It has 3 ingredients. Here's the recipe: take pumpkin puree
and add it to spice cake mix. Stir. Add mini chocolate chips.
Stir. Use two spoons to make scoops on a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or so. Eat. So easy and good. They are really cakey and moist. Plus they take about 5 minutes to mix up. I always stock up on both spice cake and pumpkin in the fall so I can whip these up whenever I want. Make them!!!!!!
1. My house cleaner!!! Holy crap, it's taken me years to take a sip of this kool-aid. And now that it's touched my lips, I want to drink a whole gallon, take it out to dinner, make sweet love to it, and get it pregnant. As you can see from the photo, my house is a lot of house to upkeep and pretty drafty in the winter. I came home today to a house cleaner than anything I have ever been able to accomplish. My bedroom floor is singing a joyful tune because it was mopped for the first time ever.
2. Lipstick. I love lipstick. I can't stop buying it. Here are my two favorite shades for October:
3. Loft. I ignored the Loft for years. I actually forgot about it's existence. But I've been led back and am so happy we are reunited. First of all, if you have a booty or curves, you need to look there first for your pants. Every pair of pants I've purchased has fit my curvy bod perfectly. Secondly, they have the BEST sales. Sometimes you can get 60% off sale prices and they cycle through collections frequently enough that you can get really cute, quality stuff in the sale section.
5. Speaking of fall and pumpkins and eating, I can guarantee that I have the easiest pumpkin recipe. It has 3 ingredients. Here's the recipe: take pumpkin puree
Stir. Use two spoons to make scoops on a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or so. Eat. So easy and good. They are really cakey and moist. Plus they take about 5 minutes to mix up. I always stock up on both spice cake and pumpkin in the fall so I can whip these up whenever I want. Make them!!!!!!
Monday, October 10, 2016
Will's Makeover
The shirt that said 1000 words
I don't know much about Melania Trump. I have no idea how she spends her days. I hardly know what her voice sounds like. I have no idea if she is well read and educated or a superficial airhead, quick witted or daft, Republican or Democrat. Melania is only allowed to exist quietly in the world of Donald Trump. She is his pretty-faced, seen and not heard counterpart. Ivanka is the woman in his life who gets thrust to the forefront. She is allowed to be interviewed and to give sound bites, but not Melania. So when Melania wore a $1,100 bright pink, pussy-bow style Gucci shirt last night, the internet collectively wondered if this was on purpose or not? Is Melania that thoughtful to troll us all? If not her, then someone in the Trump camp? This is the woman who plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech at the RNC a few months ago. She may have her own original thoughts, but she is most certainly not allowed to express them. The Trump camp said that it wasn't intentional, but I trust only about 1% that Trump and his people say, so I'm not so sure that I buy that.
So let's get back to the possibility that this is a troll. I'm going to create a truthful scenario in my head of how this all came to be. Here it goes...The audio of Trump proliferating rape culture is made public. Already physically disgusted by her husband, Melania can take no more, this is the final straw. She publicly denounces his comments, but is forced to twist it into a positive spin or they will put her into "the hole" again, like that time she asked Donald to update his hair style and trim is eyebrows. Wanting retribution, Melania pulls out her favorite pink shirt with the pussy bow so she can let the world know that she is sick of her husband constantly grabbing her genitalia without her permission, underneath she wears her favorite t-shirt (see below). During the debate she paints on her best vacant, dead-eyed smile all while plotting her escape from her vile husband. Yes, that all sounds about right. #onecandream
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Hairplugs for men
It's actually been a bit of a slow celebrity week. Donald Trump has been sucking all of the energy out of the internet with his tomfoolery. Since your facebook feeds are likely overflowing with Trump news, I'll refrain here.
Fox Sports commentator, Joe Buck, wrote an autobiography, because everyone is dying to know about the life of Joe Buck. Apparently the most salacious and exciting parts of his life was when he was addicted to hair plugs. Hair plugs? What? Interest piqued. Old Joe was afraid of looking old on TV, so at the ripe old age of 24 he started secretly getting hair plugs. In 2011, after his 8th procedure, he suffered vocal cord paralysis from nerve damage during surgery. The anticlimactic end of the story is that he got some steroid injections and his voice came back. Horray, his job is saved!!!
It's must be so hard to be a white man on television with all the pressure to stay looking young. They have to put their lives on the line to undergo procedures to keep their youthful appearances so they can keep their jobs. And not to mention the pressure they must be under to keep making $0.30 on the dollar more than women. So much stress for these men that my heart hurts for them.
Fox Sports commentator, Joe Buck, wrote an autobiography, because everyone is dying to know about the life of Joe Buck. Apparently the most salacious and exciting parts of his life was when he was addicted to hair plugs. Hair plugs? What? Interest piqued. Old Joe was afraid of looking old on TV, so at the ripe old age of 24 he started secretly getting hair plugs. In 2011, after his 8th procedure, he suffered vocal cord paralysis from nerve damage during surgery. The anticlimactic end of the story is that he got some steroid injections and his voice came back. Horray, his job is saved!!!
It's must be so hard to be a white man on television with all the pressure to stay looking young. They have to put their lives on the line to undergo procedures to keep their youthful appearances so they can keep their jobs. And not to mention the pressure they must be under to keep making $0.30 on the dollar more than women. So much stress for these men that my heart hurts for them.
Friday, October 7, 2016
Brideyonce
When you are a failed pop star and all you really want to do is go on tour, what else is there to do but use your own wedding as your stage? Melissa Molinaro, who was on Making the Band 3 and a Pussy Cat Dolls search show got married to a man who will always be number two to the spotlight. At her wedding (yes, let's be real here, it was HERS) Melissa slipped into something a bit more comfortable and gave a full on 7 minute pop performance/lipsync with back up dancers for her husband, who seemed to slowly realize that he will forever be an audience member to his wife. I expected LL Cool J to come out after as the MC, but I will never know, because I couldn't make it through the whole thing. I dare you to try.
Hot VPs
I'm going to be rotting your brains shortly with a story of Dean and Tori, so before we get to that, let's talk politics. Don't worry, PopCrush will not be endorsing any particular doughy, orange, loudmouth buffoon for president...nor anyone else, but definitely not the aforementioned cheetoh dusted windbag.
Buzzfeed has rated all 47 Vice Presidents by hotness with the least attractive being the ancestor of
Southern Charm's resident cray-cray bitch, Kathryn Calhoun Dennis. John Calhoun was the 7th Vice President under John Adams. He also had a stacked bob haircut, so he was fairly ahead of his time. Don't stare at his face for too long, you will turn to stone.
Up next on the list is Dick Cheney who is plotting to destroy you in this picture. He came pretty close during his reign as the puppet master for 8 years. Shivers.down.spine.
Besting all the Vice Presidents is Al Gore, which if I pictured in my head what Al looks like now, I would loudly disagree. However, that sleepy eyed Harvard grad with a thick head of hair is seducing me with that serious face. Yes, Al, I will listen to your power point...in bed.
Buzzfeed has rated all 47 Vice Presidents by hotness with the least attractive being the ancestor of
Dean is trying to murder Tori
Last week, I established that Tori Spelling is broke. What is the most rational thing a person with no money and no income can do? Get knocked up!!! Babies actually = income when you are a celebrity. She's already selling stories to magazines and photo opportunities to paparazzi. Mama needs some new hair extensions and they aren't going to apply themselves. So Tori is now pregnant with a "surprise" 5th baby. Here's where this story takes a very sick and twisted turn...because getting pregnant for money isn't at all abnormal. Tori almost died from pregnancy complications while pregnant with her fourth child, with whom she was impregnated only a few months after giving birth to her 3rd child. Tori was found to have placenta previa (placenta covering the cervix) and was ound hemorrhaging by her second child and rushed to the hospital and almost lost the baby and ended up on months of bed rest...during which her sex craved husband cheated on her. During all of this her first child was not really accounted for, but I suspect he was lying low and trying to find a new family to adopt him. A reasonable couple would have thrown in the fertility towel after having 2 babies within one year and having almost died from one of them. I think I remember reading at some point that they couldn't actually afford a vascectomy, so there's that. This whole story just strengthens the truth of the following statements: 1. Dysfunctional people actually ovulate either more frequently or from both ovaries at once, which makes them more likely to get pregnant. 2. Dean McDermott is trying to legally murder his wife.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Humanitarian Lohan with 9.5 fingers
Lindsay Lohan has had a busy week. The professional yacht person (aka prostitute)* first ripped off part of her ring finger while "yachting". I suspect what really happened was that Lindsay got mouthy and her "boyfriend" chopped the end of her finger right off as a punishment. Here's the general formula for figuring out the truth of what LL is saying- take whatever garbage that is coming out of her mouth and multiply it by the worst case scenario that you can make up in your mind, divide by two, add some coke and adderall, subtract dignity and wholesomeness and there you have it...the truth! I used this formula to determine that her Jon cut of her finger. See, it works!!!
While in Turkey, recovering from her wounds, Lindsay took some time off from her never ending vacation to do some charity work. She spent time with some Syrian refugees and gave them some presents that she 100% could not afford to purchase on her own. Curiously, I found some pictures of Lindsay from 1 year ago with the same family. Are these people really refugees? I would not put it past LL to use a random family to pose with every year as a way to pretend to be charitable. It looks so posed and arranged to me. She's pretending to be Angelina Jolie. I don't buy her charity for one hot minute #cynical. Last year's photo below, this year's photo above.
*When you see a celebrity who spends most of her time yachting or in the middle east and her name is not Beyonce, assume that person is a getting paid to sleep with/spend time with a wealthy, older man. See also Tara Reid.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Rich Poor People
Sacre Bleu!!!
Kim Kardashian is in Paris this week for Paris Fashion week wearing a coat as a bra and a shirt and boots as pants. But that's not what I'm "sacre bleu'ing". What all the excitement is about is that in the middle of the night last night, Kim was held at gunpoint, tied up in her bathroom, and robbed of millions of dollars worth of jewelery. Aydios Mio!! Oops, wrong language. It was reported last night that Kanye walked off the stage in the middle of his concert in New York citing a "family emergency." Kim's spokesperson then reported that Kim had been robbed. Jinkies! Kim's had a rough go at it in Paris. Late last week a crazy man tried to literally kiss her ass but got the beat down by her body guard
(Click Here to see the video). On Sunday night when this all went down, her body guard was with her sisters at a club. No good dead goes unpunished, Kim, don't lend out your security detail to your family. The masked intruders were apparently dressed like police officers and held the concierge of Kim's rental apartment at gunpoint. They stole her jewelery and phones, but left her ugly boots and all of the overpriced sweatsuits that Kanye had designed.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Bro Force One
Barry O and Billy C were in Israel for the funeral of former Isareli PM, Shimon Peres. They carpooled in Air Force One. When it was time to depart, Barry shuffled onto the plan with his usual swagger...but nobody followed him. He must have been sitting in the plane alone wondering, "Where in the hell is everyone??!!" So he stood in the doorway and persuaded a few more old people to come into the plane. But one was missing. Who could it be? Old Billy was still schmoozing on the tarmac. Barry had to walk back out, risk being assassinated, and call his old friend into the plane. It was like he was standing in the back door waiting for his dog to take his nightly crap, but the dog was sniffing around, so he had to step outside and yell the the dog to come back into the house.
These two have a nice little bromance going on though. In that video when Bill finally comes up the stairs, Barry looks annoyed, but in a delighted way, right? I'd love to know what he said to him. Then Billy C looks like he's gonna give him a giant bear hug, but aborts at the end, he still gets a nice back pat from Barry. Do you know what these two need? A road trip reality show!!! Barry isn't going to have anything to do come January and let's face it, if all goes well, Bill's wife will want him out of her hair for a few years (4 for starts). Let's put them in a car with a camera and a few secret service agents and hilarity will ensue, I promise you that. Andy Cohen, let's make it happen.
Kate in Kanada: Klassy Kate
It's the Cambridge's last day in Canada today. Overall, I think it's been a successful trip for Will and Kate. I have no idea really what they have done or accomplished for the Commonwealth, because I give zero F's about that. By successful, I mean, Will and Kate have looked great and their kids have been perfection.
Kate started the day by going for a little boat ride and they even let her drive!
I want to assume that Will is mansplaining how boats work and how you steer them and Kate is just smiling at him adoringly but in her mind is thinking "STFU and let me drive, bro."
After her cruise in the boat, Kate slipped into a sweet blazer with some black skinnies and shoes we have never seen before with a block heel. Her blazer is from Zara. Way to mix up the high and low, Kate. I love this outfit. She's wearing white after labor day and nobody seems to mind. Canadians are SO laid back!!! (ps, click on the arrows on the pic below bc it's a slideshow...who let the high tech dog out? who who who who who?)
Finally the Cambridges decided it was time to say "goodbye" to Canada. Will decided to model his favorite navy blue suit for us one last time. George and Charlotte came out to wave to their royal subjects. God, they are so flipping cute. Can I get all of Charlotte's outfits to wear? Would it be weird for an adult woman to wear a smocked dress and maryjanes with white tights and a cute bow in my hair? No, i don't think it'd be weird either.
Kate is wearing another gorgeous coat. #coatgoals
Kate started the day by going for a little boat ride and they even let her drive!
I want to assume that Will is mansplaining how boats work and how you steer them and Kate is just smiling at him adoringly but in her mind is thinking "STFU and let me drive, bro."
After her cruise in the boat, Kate slipped into a sweet blazer with some black skinnies and shoes we have never seen before with a block heel. Her blazer is from Zara. Way to mix up the high and low, Kate. I love this outfit. She's wearing white after labor day and nobody seems to mind. Canadians are SO laid back!!! (ps, click on the arrows on the pic below bc it's a slideshow...who let the high tech dog out? who who who who who?)
Listen to This...
In the mid-2000's Bon Iver (aka Justin Vernon) got the sads after a break up with his girlfriend and a bout of mono. He holed up in a cabin in Wisconsin and wrote his first album, For Emma, Forever Ago. I hope Emma has received a nice fat royalty check for dumping her man and serving as the impetus for his Grammy winning record.
Justin Bon Iver has a new album out. It dropped yesterday. The band released the album by alerting fans to go to specific locations around the world. At the locations, they were met with a cassette tape of their new album. So retro, so hipster. I know Justin doesn't have a man-bun, but he will in my mind forevermore.
I wasn't there to listen to the cassette tape, but I did by the album today, because I have my finger on the pulse of all things cool. I have to say that if Bon Iver had the case of the sads back in 2007/2008 with For Emma, Forever Ago, he has the case of the Kanyes with his new album, 22 A million. It has a touch of auto-tuned electronica that Kanye loves, but it's also rocky and moody. I'm totally digging it and so should you. Damn, I was born to be a music critic with my description of this record.
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